You probably know at least one person in your life who has said, “He brings out the worst in me,” or “We bring out the worst in each other.” It’s a common belief–that certain people touch a nerve in you, or they get under your skin, and you find yourself misbehaving in your relationship with them. It’s easy to put the responsibility for your own behavior on them. It’s not that you bring out the worst in yourself, it’s that the other person brings it out in you.

It won’t surprise you that I don’t want you to get away with this! Instead of saying, “She brings out the worst in me,” ask yourself these questions: “In my relationship, what do I want to bring out of myself? What am I bringing out now? And what needs to change?” I know–easier said than done. But even if you simply change your perspective about this–if you just start to take responsibility for your own behaviors, reactions, beliefs, and feelings–that alone will make a positive difference in your relationship.

Try it out. Let’s say your partner prefers to talk through every problem, and you’re the quiet type. Your partner sometimes drives you crazy, right? You’re thinking, “All the talking, all the time…why can’t we just not talk for a minute?! Ugh!” And soon you find yourself flying off the handle and fighting with your partner. And then the thought comes into your head: “He brings out the worst in me!” Now, step back. Remind yourself that you are in control of your own life, and responsible for your own behaviors, your own reactions, your own thoughts and feelings. Your partner is more verbal than you. Sometimes this is annoying. (And this is one of those times!) Ask yourself, “What do I want to bring out of myself right now? I’m different than my partner. What do I need to do to honor my own difference, my own preferences?”

You then may want to go to your partner and say something like, “I know you want to talk about this. I need to not do that right now. I want to talk about it this afternoon.” Your partner may react badly to this, but if it’s coming from the best in you–from the part of you that you want to bring out in your relationship–then your partner at some point will sense that you’re taking care of yourself, and give you the time and space you asked for.

What do you want to bring out of yourself?

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One of the books I want to write is a counseling abecedary, an A-Z book of 26 essays on 26 words that I use a lot in my work with clients. Most people would guess that C is for communication. You’ve heard this before: “We just can’t communicate,” your friend tells you. “I want him to go to counseling so we can learn how to communicate.” It’s a fairly common belief.

But most of the time, communication isn’t the problem. Couples communicate all the time, and only sometimes is it verbal. Silence says a lot. Body language says even more. So if you feel cut off from your partner and think it’s because you’re having poor communication, think of it this way: you’re communicating all over the place. But neither of you wants to hear what the other person is saying.

I would love to hear a new client say, “We’re here because we have poor courage. We want to improve our courage.”

If you don’t know what I mean, think about this: think about the issue or problem you and your partner supposedly don’t know how to communicate about. You never talk about it. It’s the elephant in the room. Maybe it’s sex–one of you wants it all the time, the other never does. Or it’s money–one of you has a lot of it, the other does not, and it’s your Forbidden Subject. You can safely assume that both of you are communicating a lot about this. Your communication is saying, “This is a forbidden topic.” Or, “We can’t handle this issue.” Or, “If we talk about this, we’ll break up.” These messages are being sent and received, over and over again, loud and clear. What’s missing is courage. “Honey, I want to talk about our sex life,” you imagine saying. But you’re afraid to bring it up.

That’s why most of my work with clients is about building courage, not communication skills. You’re communicating just fine. It’s your fear that’s getting in your way.

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