Let’s talk about homework. I have two definitions of it. First, there’s the homework I’ll occasionally encourage clients to do between sessions (okay, not occasionally…often!). Here’s a book I think you’ll like, or maybe you two should try being more present emotionally when you’re having sex (and here’s how), or how about looking at this list and trying out some of the ideas?

Other times, I define ‘homework’ more broadly. During the session–and particularly in a couples session–you and I might notice something you’re doing (or not doing) because you’re scared. (It’s usually fear and anxiety more than anything else!) You’re scared to be honest, scared to reveal a truth, scared to take a risk, scared to say the thing you know will upset your partner, scared to be tender and caring…scared. This can be your homework.

Sometimes homework is a specific task, a self-help book, a technique. But more often it’s the hard and scary work of self-confrontation, both inside the therapy session and out in your own world of home and work and relationships. And here’s a funny thing: if you’re feeling bored–in therapy, let’s say, or more generally in your relationship–then you’re probably scared of something! Fear is a great basic emotion–an emotion that leads to secondary emotions like boredom, anger, sadness. (Sometimes those are basic emotions too, of course. But fear is often at the heart of the dilemmas we face in couples work.)

So I’ll recommend specific homework for you, if that’s what you’d like. But most often I’ll be challenging you to do your ‘personal homework,’ and that’s mostly going to be about your fears. But this isn’t the end of the story. When people face their fears and challenge themselves, their relationships improve. All of the happy couples I know–personally and professionally–have found happiness by confronting their fears. It sounds hard because it is hard. But ‘personal homework’ is the best path to happiness and ecstasy in your relationship.

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Is it wrong–or weak–to say “yes” when you don’t feel it? Your partner is sick of renting and wants to buy a condo with you, and you’re not sure you feel strongly enough about him to take that step. Your true answer is “maybe.” Should you say “yes”? Or your partner wants to get married–and move to Massachusetts so that it’s a state-sanctioned marriage–and you aren’t sure you really love her enough to make such a strong commitment. Your true answer is “no.” Should you say “yes”? Or how about this one: your partner wants a child, and you don’t. And for your partner, it’s a deal-breaker. Should you say “yes”?

Maybe.

There are times in a relationship when it’s best to assert yourself, to say “no” when “no” is the answer, to say “maybe” when you need more time. There are times when this self-assertion will lead to the end of the relationship, and even then, it’s the right choice… the right choice for you.

And then there are times when you discern that despite your preferences–and some of them are strong!!–you feel and think that you’d like to creatively say “yes.” Yes, I will move in with you. Yes, I will move to Massachusetts with you and set a wedding date. Yes, I will begin the process of becoming a parent with you. Of course the dilemma is, how do you decide when you’re “supposed to” assert yourself vs. when you’re “supposed to” accommodate your partner? I have a response to this.

You’ll get a lot closer to the answer if you consciously begin a process of discernment. I’m talking about self-discernment here–getting in touch with yourself. How do you do that? If you’re a journaling person, you start writing, and you return regularly to the journal to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. If you’re an athletic, outgoing person, you work out and then have coffee with a good friend. If you’re an introverted, contemplative person, you take time for silence and stillness, time to breathe, wait, and receive the wisdom you seek. And if you’re any of these kinds of people, you may find that doing something contrary to your instinct is also helpful. (The extravert might learn a lot on a walk by herself, and the introvert might receive good counsel from a friend.) If your partner wants you to make a significant change in the relationship for his/her sake, then it is not wrong–no, not at all!–for you to tell your partner that you need some amount of time for discernment. And then, if you’ve discerned what you think the answer is, go ahead and give your partner the answer.

And if the answer is “yes,” remember this (and remember it well!): you chose to say yes. Your partner did not force you to do so. You may say, “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” but if it doesn’t work out or you find that you’re miserable in your new situation, it’s important for you to see how you yourself made this choice. At the same time, it also helps if your partner understands and respects the process you’ve gone through, and it’s okay for you to ask your partner for this. “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” you might say, and then add, “and I ask you to be patient with my ambivalence about it. I am actively choosing to say yes, but I’m also asking for your patience as I live into this decision.”

In the end, whatever decision you make, it’s not the wrong one. Even if it leads to suffering and upheaval in your life, it is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about your partner, and about the mystery of relationships–the mystery of two persons drawing close together in a dynamic, sometimes scary, and unpredictable adventure.

If you say yes, I encourage you to do it this way–to creatively say “yes,” and then, as your future unfolds, keep discerning!

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Couples, I’m cross-posting this from my “You” blog because it uses an example from the world of relationships to unpack the concept of selfishness. Check it out!

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I’m just passing along a great post today in the slate.com series called “The Happiness Project.” I encourage you to think about the language you use when you’re fighting with your partner (and yes, I mean when, not if!). This is a pretty good list, and it can get you thinking about your own way of saying things right.

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Let’s talk about stories.

First, imagine the front page of the Seattle Times. On that page there are many stories. Stories about city government, crime, the environment, national politics, sports, weather. We assume that these stories are “true” stories, or “objective” stories.

Now, imagine the children’s section of a bookstore. On those shelves there are many stories. Stories about animals, adventures, grief, family, courage, wizardry. We assume that these stories are fictional, that is, not “true” or “objective.”

Finally, imagine your relationship as a collection of stories, written and told by two people (you and your partner). Both of you have your favorites. Let’s say you have a story like this: your partner spends most of her time at work and hanging out with friends, and that’s because she doesn’t care about you. Or your partner has a story like this: you’re always telling him what to do, and that means you don’t respect him.

(more…)

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