I like to tell clients that the biggest barrier to successful therapy is low intensity. The one-hour-per-week model of therapy is (if you ask me) showing signs of age, and the future is a more intense format. Click here for more on this. But there’s another barrier to successful therapy: we will run into problems if we don’t think about our agenda.

First, there’s your agenda. (And if you’re a couple, you have two!) Maybe you want to vent. Maybe you want to improve your communication skills. Maybe–if you’re being really honest with yourself–you want to win an argument or get your partner to change. Maybe–if you’re being really, really honest!–your agenda in therapy is simply to appease your partner, to score points for showing up in the hopes that s/he will get off your back. Obviously, not all agendas are created equal!

But then there’s my agenda. If a therapist tells you she doesn’t have an agenda, she’s lying. Therapists always have an agenda, whether or not they’re aware of it. And we always have theories, opinions, biases, and buttons (as in, you can push my buttons). To be a good therapist, I need to know this and work with it, keeping what works (such as a good theory) and overcoming what doesn’t (such as an unfair bias or unhelpful opinion).

When we meet, I will always ask about the agenda, and I’ll always try to say at least something about my own. One time I worked with a couple whose agenda was to get the other person to understand something, or stop doing something. Both of them said it that way. “My agenda is to get him to understand that _____.” “My agenda is to get her to stop doing _____.” After they both announced these agendas, I told them that my agenda was quite different. I told them that my agenda was to get each of them to confront themselves about their own lack of understanding and their own bad behavior.

It helped to do this–it always helps to do this–because then both therapist and client can see more clearly what’s in store for them, and decide whether couples counseling is truly the right way to go. Sometimes it’s not. And in that case, we talk about other options for the couple.

But I’m happy to say that most times counseling does turn out to be useful, and we’re able to set an agenda that helps the couple work through their issues and find happiness. But every time we get together, I’m going to ask about agenda. So when you’re getting ready for a session, take some time to think about your hopes, assumptions, and plans for the session. Think about your agenda. I may encourage you to change it when you come in, or it may turn out to be the best path for us to follow. Either way, it pays to think ahead.

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Couples, I encourage you to read at least the first few paragraphs of this long (and negative) book review. If you’re like me, when the critic doesn’t like the book, you don’t worry about reading every letter of the review. She doesn’t like the book. Okay. Then let’s move on to books she recommends. And in this case, I feel frustrated because I have an immodest feeling that I would write a better book on this topic!

Anyway, the review as a whole may or may not interest you, but the first few paragraphs definitely captured my attention. They were singing my song.

Again and again, I bring couples back to the theme of courage and risk. Are you willing to take a scary risk in your relationship? Are you willing to open up to another person if it means being vulnerable, and not in total control? Are you using silence–or thousands of words–to hide what you really want to say? In my experience–both personal and professional–it’s the good things that are the most risky. Expressing your love. Working on forgiveness. Allowing your partner to laugh with (and at) you. Telling your partner about your most private sexual fantasies. Those are often much riskier–and scarier–than telling your partner a hard truth.

So take a look at this book review. And hopefully, before long, I’ll have my own book on love and risk to recommend!

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