A lot of couples come in for help with communication skills, intimacy problems, emotional issues, or relationship crises (like an affair). When the conversation gets around to sex, a lot of people back off and say, “It’s not just sex that I want to work on in our relationship,” or, “I’m not just worrying about our sex life,” as if it would be shallow or wrong to complain about sex.

I say, complain long and hard about it! Sex is a central, vital dimension of any romantic/partnered/married relationship. You’re not shallow for wanting it to be healthy and pleasurable.

I’ll use the euphemism “intimate” to make my point. When a couple says they were intimate recently, it might take me half a second to realize they’re talking about sex and not non-sexual emotional intimacy. Rather than letting the euphemism stand and dodging a frank discussion about sex, I might mention that the best sex includes emotional intimacy, so we’ll have to use the actual words–’sex,’ ‘having sex,’ and all the other words that so many people worry are not fit for polite conversation.

Let me unpack this a bit more. Imagine that you meet the person of your dreams, the two of you date for a few months, and you decide excitedly that this is it, this is the relationship you’ve been looking for all your life. You start to prepare to move in together. You’re elated by this positive, nourishing relationship in your life. You move in together, and over time (often not that much time) you start to run into sexual problems. One of you starts having orgasm trouble. One of you starts to lose desire. One or both of you starts feeling anxious about the fantasies you keep having, or not having. One of you develops a medical problem, or suffers a loss or setback elsewhere in your life, and the sex goes haywire.

At this point, if you’re like most people, you might start to feel a little panicked. Was I wrong? Is this person not “The One” for me? If you’re smart, you’ll decide to talk to a counselor–even at this early stage in your relationship–to work through these issues. If you come in and talk to me, you might be tempted to downplay the sex problem. Why? I think it’s because I’m a nice guy, my office looks all calm and therapy-esque, you’re holding a cup of hot tea… and maybe you read People magazine in my lobby and the sex portrayed in those pages is a lot flatter and sillier (or hotter!) than anything you’ve experienced. It could be any of those reasons, or just your natural, understandable shyness when you’re talking to a clinician about your private life. One common worry is that I will judge you, that I will see you as a shallow person, a sex-obsessed person.

I promise you, I will not do this! Sex is one of the most powerful ways—if not the most powerful way—to connect with your partner at the deepest level of emotional and personal intimacy. To be literally naked in the presence of one another—without withdrawing your full self, with all your thoughts, feelings, hangups, and strengths—is a sure-fire way to grow and develop as a human being. I will even go as far as to say that sex is, at its best, one of the holiest activities two human beings can share together.

So, let’s talk about it. You’re not shallow. Far from it. You want the full benefits—and full challenges—of a serious, sexual relationship? I’m glad! And I can help you get there.

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When I work with couples, sooner or later I have to come clean with them and tell them that one of my jobs is to challenge both of them: each of you will be confronted with something hard, something very hard, that you need to wrestle with if you want your relationship to move forward. Maybe you need to be more assertive, and for you that is just simply terrifying! Or maybe you need to do the opposite–open yourself up to the other person, and maybe notice them (and their perspectives, and their needs) for the first time. Or maybe your challenge is something else entirely. In any case, one of my jobs is to challenge you.

But the other half of my job is to instill hope. And I mean it. I’ve posted before on the problem of hopelessness and discouragement in relationships, and I am convinced that this is a pervasive problem that frustrates and confounds us in our effort to relate well to others and, well, just be happy. So here’s my mini-manifesto on hope:

Be encouraged: you most likely can make the changes you want to make in your relationship, and even if you can’t—even if you or your partner finally decides to put an end to it—you can handle that disappointment, move forward, and gain wisdom from the experience. Either way, you will make it. I’ve worked with many hundreds of individuals and couples over the last eleven years—I think I’m in the thousands now!—and I have many inspiring stories to tell (if only they weren’t confidential!) about people who thought they couldn’t handle something, but then discovered that they were able to deal with it.

They thought they couldn’t improve their communication with their partner, and they learned new skills—and discovered courage they didn’t know they had—to break new ground. Or they thought they could never regain sexual attraction to their partner, and they found out to their delight that with a little relaxation, self-examination, and faith, they could open up to their partner in a new way, and get the chemistry back. Or they believed that they could never overcome the trauma and heartbreak of their past, but learned to their great relief that they are still capable of having a healthy, honest, non-abusive relationship with someone.

And there’s only one catch. (And I have to be honest about this!)

Here’s the catch: there’s lots of reason for hope, but almost 100% of the time, the happiness and satisfaction you seek will come to you only after you confront your demons, or overcome your fears, or wrestle with your usual way of doing things. Something difficult nearly always precedes the deep satisfaction of a new relationship.

When we work together, you can look forward to two things: a challenge, and a hopeful vision. They go hand-in-hand. I’ll even say that they depend on each other: without hope, the challenge is depressing, discouraging, even debilitating. And without challenge, hope is just a pipe dream. Couples therapy helps you work on both of these things. Be challenged…but also, be encouraged!

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Couples, don’t miss this question about picking up your partner from the airport. It’s one of those little couple interactions that can reveal a lot of wisdom (and problems) in your relationship. It’s a perfect example of small-time everyday situations that activate a couple’s relationship dynamic. Watch and learn!

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