I get this question from many couples.

Quick answer: I don’t know. But I’ll think about it, and we can talk about it.

I was trained to assume that it’s usually not a good idea to see one person in a couple if we’re discussing couple issues. It’s tricky. If I’m not careful, I could end up colluding with the person in front of me against the other person. It’s not hard for me to see this when it’s happening, but it’s something I need to pay close attention to. And it’s always worth asking the question, why can’t you work on your own individual stuff when your partner is with you in the session? It’s common–it’s an everyday occurrence, even!–for couples to triangulate. You’re frustrated with your spouse, so you gripe to your friend about it. It happens all the time. But it can’t happen in couples therapy, unless you don’t mind that your relationship isn’t getting any better. And I do mind–I want both of you to get better.

Having said all that, there are times when meeting with one of you is helpful. Most of the time, when one person in a couple is feeling bad or behaving badly, the other is also dealing with some troubling feelings and behaviors. (Sorry. If you think your partner’s the only one who has issues, this is bad news!) But there are times when one person really is presenting a deeper need or a more troubling concern than the other person, and that issue might not even be about the relationship. Or there are times when safety is a concern, or one person is simply too mad to come today, but the other could pick up some insights or coaching for use in later encounters. Again, it’s tricky, but it’s not unheard of, and sometimes beneficial, to have at least one session that’s one-on-one.

But there need to be a few ground rules. First, if I begin working together with you as a couple,* I really don’t like keeping secrets between you (triangulation!), and I won’t keep a secret if it affects the well-being, dignity, or safety of the other person. If you’re having an affair and want to excuse your partner to talk with me alone about the affair–and you’re not interested in talking about how to bring your partner into the conversation–then we better not do that. I’d be delighted to help both of you work on an affair, and I know that there may be a period in that work when one of you doesn’t know about it, but I see both of you as my client. I can’t be your confidante and not his. I can’t be your listening post and not hers.

Let’s talk about it. There are exceptions to most rules, and there are times when a one-on-one session is not only a good idea, but essential for our couples work to move forward.

But let’s be careful.

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* If you begin working with me as an individual, sometimes we’ll talk about problems you’re having in a relationship, but in that case you aone are my client, and your partner is not. So we’d approach this question from the opposite direction: is it a good idea to bring your partner in? That’ll be a separate post in my “You” blog…stay tuned!

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I had a personal experience a while ago that I’d like to share with all you couples out there. I share it with you because anger–that wild, fantastic emotion!–can be such a problem for couples.

Not too long ago, we were having guests over for a Sunday lunch, and one of them started coming through the outer front door, opened the inner front door, and then turned back to call out to his partner to bring something in from the car. These guests know about our dogs, who are sweet, enthusiastic, and highly prone to escaping! But for some reason this particular guest forgot that we can’t just open wide both of our front doors unless we want to chase our dogs around the neighborhood in a terrified race to prevent them from running into the busy street just five doors to the north.

I hate to admit it, but I was enraged. What, what was he thinking?! Doesn’t he remember this? How could he be so insensitive?? Lucky for me, I didn’t express this anger to him. I made it to the bathroom in time. I ran to the bathroom because I managed to remember that when I fly into a rage, it’s probably not about the thing that’s making me angry. I entered the bathroom, closed the door, leaned wearily on the sink, and said this to myself:

“Sweetheart, where does it hurt?”

That’s right, call me crazy, but I sometimes address myself as “sweetheart.” It’s a small way for me to practice self-care. (Seriously.) I could also have said to myself, “Okay, asshole, why are you so pissed?” But I knew that below the anger was some kind of other pain, some other issue.

This time, the issue was terror. I don’t want to sound too neurotic, but I get very scared when our doors open and the dogs have a chance to escape. I read carefully (perhaps too carefully) all the descriptions of the Shiba Inu breed, and I’m something like the Director of Homeland Security around my house. I want it to be a stronghold! So when I sense a breach in the wall, I get scared, fast.

It turned out okay, of course. Our friend came in and closed the door, and the dogs were going crazy over our guests’ arrival, as they always do. There probably was never a real risk of escape given how enthusiastically they welcome any visitors. And after I identified what was really going on inside me, I was able to breathe, wash my face, breathe again, and return to the party. All in the space of about 60 seconds.

I offer this to couples because all too often couples get into big, explosive fights because one (or both) of them is just 60 seconds away from calming down and figuring out what’s really going on inside. The next time you’re feeling a surge of anger like this, give it a try: find a quiet place, take a breath, and ask your sweet self where it hurts.

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