To listen well, you must see well
Saturday, May 15th, 2010Lots of people assume that listening is an important relationship skill, and they’re right. It is. But most of the time people think of listening in the traditional, narrow way: I listen well when I pay close attention to what another person is saying, and understand what they’re saying.
But truly good listening is more than that. Truly listening well to another person involves seeing the world through their eyes. This doesn’t mean you agree with them: your position on abortion, for example, might be different than mine. But if I can see your position on abortion through your eyes—that is, with an awareness of your unique perspective—then I can understand your position much better. You may have had an upsetting experience that shaped your views on abortion, or you may have been raised by a family that was grounded in a certain political or religious culture. I will understand you better—and truly listen to you—if I can see the world through that family ‘lens.’
Another good example is this: I strongly disagree with people who condemn homosexuality. I see their position as homophobic and harmful. And yet, even though I would never agree with them, I would do well to try to understand the bigger picture behind their opposing view. Some people are anti-gay, and yet they also are persons of conscience who genuinely want to be ethical and good. Can I see the world through their eyes? Can I see how their views on sexual orientation emerge from their own history, culture, and conscious discernment? Again, I need not agree with them. But if I can listen to them this deeply, I can open up a dialogue that can be healthy and enlightening for both of us.
I posted this in my Couples blog because it’s such a fundamental dimension of life in a relationship. Are you truly listening to your partner, whether or not you agree with her? Can you see the world through his eyes? What do you imagine it’s like to be your partner, to live in your partner’s body, to think with your partner’s mind, and to live with your partner’s personal history? If you can listen to your partner in this way, you are much more likely to cultivate a happy and nourishing life together.
