Most people assume that my job is to help people patch up their differences and have a happy relationship. Often enough I do that, and enjoy it. But other times my job is to help people break up. Couples counseling isn’t always about fixing relationships. Sometimes the fix—the best outcome—is the end of the relationship. This is often sad, and always painful, but it is sometimes the best option for a couple.
If you’re in that place with your partner, I would work with you on making your breakup the best it can be. I want you to break up in the healthiest way you can. Here are a few tips (with the caveats that this is not an exhaustive list, and not every couple will do everything on this list):
1. Seek support separately. You may have had a relationship in which you both assumed that your partner is your best friend, your biggest fan, a linchpin in your emotional support system. This may sound obvious, but it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to be that person for you. Be sure you have friends and family of your own to fall back on, and it also wouldn’t hurt to have an individual therapist for yourself to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings during this difficult time.
2. Keep up some level of civil dialogue, if possible. For some couples, this is not possible, or not advisable, or both. But if there is any amount of civility between the two of you, have a system—in writing, if necessary—of communication that allows the two of you to relate to each other as you move through the separation process.
3. But don’t use that dialogue to re-fight the old arguments. You’re probably breaking up because of—to borrow a legal term—irreconcilable differences. It would help to put those old fights into the coffin, alongside the deceased relationship. You probably still feel a sting of hurt or anger about something your partner said or did. You may feel righteously angry. But you’ve handled the problem by deciding to break up. Any continued fighting is a sign that you’re getting rid of the positive parts of the relationship but holding onto all the negative, hurtful parts. Why would you do that? It’s better to work with your individual therapist on ways you can make sense of the old arguments, put them to rest inside yourself, and move forward.
4. Consider either a trial separation or a trial non-separation. It’s okay to take the breakup in stages. What would it be like for one of you to get an extended-stay hotel room for 60 days, and just “try on” the breakup to see how it feels? You would have to set the rules carefully: how much contact (if any)? Who goes to the hotel? Do you want to split the time so that both of you are home with the kids (or pets) during the separation period? And how will you come together after 60 days to talk about it? A non-separation (a term coined by this author) works like this: rather than separating, you go through a trial period of staying together in a new way. No one is making any promises about whether they want this to continue after the 60 days, but for now you agree to work with a couples therapist to decide how you would live together differently. You might try the date-night plan you’ve always talked about but never done. You might try new ways of communicating, coached by your therapist. You might decide to have weekly “staff meetings” in which you sit down once a week to talk about the household, yourselves, and how it’s going. This is not necessarily an attempt to reconcile. You are both free to say “No, thanks” at the end of the trial period. It’s just an experiment to see if, in fact, breaking up is the best option. And you’d have the satisfaction of genuinely trying a different solution before arriving at the decision to break up. (That is, unless you find that this new way of life really works for both of you!)
5. Hire a mediator. Again, this may not work for some couples for whom conflict is too high for a mediator to be helpful. But it’s a good idea to hire one if you’re able to do so, and I recommend hiring an attorney who is also trained as a couple/family therapist, such as this provider.
6. Finally, something for you yourself to think about: you will get through this. At some point, it will all be done, and the dust will have settled. You’ll be single again, or you won’t, but you will arrive at a resolution of the problem. Right now, it’s a good idea to ask yourself this question: “I will get through this, one way or another. What do I want to look back on, and be proud of?” The purpose of this question is to get you thinking about the deeper, more personal goal you have as you move through this tough time. Don’t just try to get through it. Don’t just try to survive it. Use this painful time as a life event in which you learn something about yourself, develop a skill, or do something challenging that forces you to grow.
Oh—and I almost forgot. Self-care is essential. Try to eat well, drink lots of fluids (the non-alcoholic kind), and rest as well as you can. And here’s another self-soothing idea.
