I like to remind couples that their lives are filled with stories. If you say something to me, I will hear it and integrate it into my ever-growing list of stories—stories about myself, about you, about relationships, about human nature, and so on. For example, if you and I are in a relationship, you might say something that I find offensive. I might feel stung by your sharp words. That’s because I’m ‘downloading’ stories in my mind whenever you talk to me (and you’re doing the same when I’m talking to you), and in the context of those stories, what you said was offensive to me. Maybe you said something about my appearance, or about my intelligence. Maybe you said something about my family, or my career. Whatever it was that you said, my reaction grows out of my set of stories…stories such as, “I’m a fairly smart person,” or “My family is fabulous,” or “My career is how I express my true identity.” Can you see how, if you call me dumb, or say something critical about my family, or express a lack of respect about my line of work, I could take offense? I take offense because you’re challenging my stories.

Speaking of ‘stories,’ I love the way John Le Carre, the author, defines ‘story.’ In an interview, he said, “‘The cat sat on the mat’ is not a story. ‘The cat sat on the dog’s mat’ is a story.” In other words, stories involve two characters or things or cultures coming into a conflictual relationship with one another. And what I think that means for couples is this: when you and your stories come into contact with me and my stories, we create new stories together, stories about the two of us. Does that sound confusing? (Or a little exhausting??!) Well…that’s also what makes couple relationships so interesting!

So the next time you’re taking offense at something your partner said or did, think about your stories. What stories are you telling yourself, and what new stories are you and your partner creating together as you come into contact (and conflict) with each other?

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It