Lately I’ve been trying out a new way of helping people stop being reactive, resentful, and defensive when they see that their partner is not doing what they want, or being who they want their partner to be. It’s natural to feel this way when your partner does not show interest in the things you like to do, or just seems to be pulling away from you.

Let’s say you have a vision for yourself and your partner: you want a partner who travels with you, or tries new activities, or (to turn up the intensity a bit) has a particular sexual relationship with you. And you see that right now, your partner isn’t with you, isn’t saying “yes” to your vision. (Or is even saying “no,” and sharply!) Here’s my new metaphor for the problem. (Let me know what you think!) Imagine that you work in marketing for Starbucks, and you’re on a break, relaxing in a park, watching people come and go. And then you notice that someone just walked by with a Tully’s coffee cup. You’re responsible for marketing at Starbucks, and right here in front of you is a person choosing the other guy’s product. What would you do? It probably wouldn’t occur to you to be resentful. If you’re any good at your job, you know–and you accept–that many hundreds of thousands of people are not going to buy your product. You might be so put-together about this reality that you barely react at all to that Tully’s coffee cup.

But in personal relationships, it’s different. In personal relationships, it’s easy to get bent out of shape: my partner isn’t buying my “product”! If your product is a new habit of hiking on weekends, or a new practice of having a nice dinner at the table once a week, or a new sexual method–whatever your “product” is, your partner is resisting. Your partner is choosing Tully’s instead. If so, try to think like that Starbucks marketing manager. Try to detach yourself from your partner’s choices. Right now, your partner hasn’t said “yes” to your new idea. And if you’re feeling resentful, that means you skipped over the part where you remind yourself that your partner doesn’t need to say “yes” to anything. Your partner is a free, independent adult.

So if your partner is holding a Tully’s coffee cup, and you want to take the relationship in a Starbucks direction, ask yourself: am I excited enough about what I want us to do that I’m willing to push past my own resentment and “make the sale” with my partner? And if not–if I’m not that excited, not that motivated, not that willing to make the sale–then why does it surprise me that my partner is not buying it?

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