C is for courage
One of the books I want to write is a counseling abecedary, an A-Z book of 26 essays on 26 words that I use a lot in my work with clients. Most people would guess that C is for communication. You’ve heard this before: “We just can’t communicate,” your friend tells you. “I want him to go to counseling so we can learn how to communicate.” It’s a fairly common belief.
But most of the time, communication isn’t the problem. Couples communicate all the time, and only sometimes is it verbal. Silence says a lot. Body language says even more. So if you feel cut off from your partner and think it’s because you’re having poor communication, think of it this way: you’re communicating all over the place. But neither of you wants to hear what the other person is saying.
I would love to hear a new client say, “We’re here because we have poor courage. We want to improve our courage.”
If you don’t know what I mean, think about this: think about the issue or problem you and your partner supposedly don’t know how to communicate about. You never talk about it. It’s the elephant in the room. Maybe it’s sex–one of you wants it all the time, the other never does. Or it’s money–one of you has a lot of it, the other does not, and it’s your Forbidden Subject. You can safely assume that both of you are communicating a lot about this. Your communication is saying, “This is a forbidden topic.” Or, “We can’t handle this issue.” Or, “If we talk about this, we’ll break up.” These messages are being sent and received, over and over again, loud and clear. What’s missing is courage. “Honey, I want to talk about our sex life,” you imagine saying. But you’re afraid to bring it up.
That’s why most of my work with clients is about building courage, not communication skills. You’re communicating just fine. It’s your fear that’s getting in your way.
