Lots of people assume that listening is an important relationship skill, and they’re right. It is. But most of the time people think of listening in the traditional, narrow way: I listen well when I pay close attention to what another person is saying, and understand what they’re saying.

But truly good listening is more than that. Truly listening well to another person involves seeing the world through their eyes. This doesn’t mean you agree with them: your position on abortion, for example, might be different than mine. But if I can see your position on abortion through your eyes—that is, with an awareness of your unique perspective—then I can understand your position much better. You may have had an upsetting experience that shaped your views on abortion, or you may have been raised by a family that was grounded in a certain political or religious culture. I will understand you better—and truly listen to you—if I can see the world through that family ‘lens.’

Another good example is this: I strongly disagree with people who condemn homosexuality. I see their position as homophobic and harmful. And yet, even though I would never agree with them, I would do well to try to understand the bigger picture behind their opposing view. Some people are anti-gay, and yet they also are persons of conscience who genuinely want to be ethical and good. Can I see the world through their eyes? Can I see how their views on sexual orientation emerge from their own history, culture, and conscious discernment? Again, I need not agree with them. But if I can listen to them this deeply, I can open up a dialogue that can be healthy and enlightening for both of us.

I posted this in my Couples blog because it’s such a fundamental dimension of life in a relationship. Are you truly listening to your partner, whether or not you agree with her? Can you see the world through his eyes? What do you imagine it’s like to be your partner, to live in your partner’s body, to think with your partner’s mind, and to live with your partner’s personal history? If you can listen to your partner in this way, you are much more likely to cultivate a happy and nourishing life together.

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I’m just passing along a great post today in the slate.com series called “The Happiness Project.” I encourage you to think about the language you use when you’re fighting with your partner (and yes, I mean when, not if!). This is a pretty good list, and it can get you thinking about your own way of saying things right.

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Let’s talk about stories.

First, imagine the front page of the Seattle Times. On that page there are many stories. Stories about city government, crime, the environment, national politics, sports, weather. We assume that these stories are “true” stories, or “objective” stories.

Now, imagine the children’s section of a bookstore. On those shelves there are many stories. Stories about animals, adventures, grief, family, courage, wizardry. We assume that these stories are fictional, that is, not “true” or “objective.”

Finally, imagine your relationship as a collection of stories, written and told by two people (you and your partner). Both of you have your favorites. Let’s say you have a story like this: your partner spends most of her time at work and hanging out with friends, and that’s because she doesn’t care about you. Or your partner has a story like this: you’re always telling him what to do, and that means you don’t respect him.

(more…)

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You probably know at least one person in your life who has said, “He brings out the worst in me,” or “We bring out the worst in each other.” It’s a common belief–that certain people touch a nerve in you, or they get under your skin, and you find yourself misbehaving in your relationship with them. It’s easy to put the responsibility for your own behavior on them. It’s not that you bring out the worst in yourself, it’s that the other person brings it out in you.

It won’t surprise you that I don’t want you to get away with this! Instead of saying, “She brings out the worst in me,” ask yourself these questions: “In my relationship, what do I want to bring out of myself? What am I bringing out now? And what needs to change?” I know–easier said than done. But even if you simply change your perspective about this–if you just start to take responsibility for your own behaviors, reactions, beliefs, and feelings–that alone will make a positive difference in your relationship.

Try it out. Let’s say your partner prefers to talk through every problem, and you’re the quiet type. Your partner sometimes drives you crazy, right? You’re thinking, “All the talking, all the time…why can’t we just not talk for a minute?! Ugh!” And soon you find yourself flying off the handle and fighting with your partner. And then the thought comes into your head: “He brings out the worst in me!” Now, step back. Remind yourself that you are in control of your own life, and responsible for your own behaviors, your own reactions, your own thoughts and feelings. Your partner is more verbal than you. Sometimes this is annoying. (And this is one of those times!) Ask yourself, “What do I want to bring out of myself right now? I’m different than my partner. What do I need to do to honor my own difference, my own preferences?”

You then may want to go to your partner and say something like, “I know you want to talk about this. I need to not do that right now. I want to talk about it this afternoon.” Your partner may react badly to this, but if it’s coming from the best in you–from the part of you that you want to bring out in your relationship–then your partner at some point will sense that you’re taking care of yourself, and give you the time and space you asked for.

What do you want to bring out of yourself?

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One of the books I want to write is a counseling abecedary, an A-Z book of 26 essays on 26 words that I use a lot in my work with clients. Most people would guess that C is for communication. You’ve heard this before: “We just can’t communicate,” your friend tells you. “I want him to go to counseling so we can learn how to communicate.” It’s a fairly common belief.

But most of the time, communication isn’t the problem. Couples communicate all the time, and only sometimes is it verbal. Silence says a lot. Body language says even more. So if you feel cut off from your partner and think it’s because you’re having poor communication, think of it this way: you’re communicating all over the place. But neither of you wants to hear what the other person is saying.

I would love to hear a new client say, “We’re here because we have poor courage. We want to improve our courage.”

If you don’t know what I mean, think about this: think about the issue or problem you and your partner supposedly don’t know how to communicate about. You never talk about it. It’s the elephant in the room. Maybe it’s sex–one of you wants it all the time, the other never does. Or it’s money–one of you has a lot of it, the other does not, and it’s your Forbidden Subject. You can safely assume that both of you are communicating a lot about this. Your communication is saying, “This is a forbidden topic.” Or, “We can’t handle this issue.” Or, “If we talk about this, we’ll break up.” These messages are being sent and received, over and over again, loud and clear. What’s missing is courage. “Honey, I want to talk about our sex life,” you imagine saying. But you’re afraid to bring it up.

That’s why most of my work with clients is about building courage, not communication skills. You’re communicating just fine. It’s your fear that’s getting in your way.

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Lots of couples go into counseling because they think they have communication problems. “We just talk past each other.” “We don’t talk at all.” “It didn’t used to be like this…we used to be able to work out our problems, but now we just fight.”

Though this sounds like you have communication problems, it might help to think of your problem differently. Try this: you actually communicate really well, you just don’t like what the other person is saying! “We just talk past each other” can be translated as, “When we hear what the other person is saying, we don’t like it, and we try to talk over it, change the subject, or shift the argument to our own advantage.” “We don’t talk at all” could be translated as, “We don’t have to use words anymore because we’re that good at communicating how upset we are!” “It didn’t used to be like this…now we just fight” could be translated as, “We’re done with diplomacy and are now communicating powerfully via open warfare.”

So if communication isn’t your problem, what is your problem? My hunch with most couples is that they are communicating just fine, but they still haven’t really wrestled with their real differences. For example, let’s say there’s a major disagreement about sex. (This is an issue that couples communicate about quite a lot, but mostly non-verbally!) One or both of you may have hurt feelings, unexpressed fears, embarrassing memories, intimacy issues, body issues, physiological problems, or any number of other concerns that affect your sex life, and the way forward is not necessarily learning how to communicate better, but rather to face those feelings, fears, issues, and problems yourself, and then (with courage!) re-engage with your partner. Chances are both of you are struggling with a number of these issues, and chances are you’re both aware of that on some level.

Here’s another way of saying it. You don’t necessarily have a communication problem–the two of you communicate quite efficiently, often enough without the need for words. But you do have a consciousness problem: you’re not very conscious or insightful about the storm of thoughts and feelings that’s swirling within you, and you’re (understandably) scared of this storm. Counseling helps you make sense of yourself, and then take healthy risks with yourself and your partner. And through all of this, you can be sure that you have most of the communication skills you need! What you’re really looking for, and building in your counseling work, is courage.

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