Most couples begin their couples counseling work by asking the question, “Should we stay together?” Sometimes only one of them is fixated on this question, but most often it’s on both of their minds. “Can I stay if I can’t trust him?” “If I don’t feel love for her, should I stay with her?” “If he doesn’t love me, should we break up?” These are examples of the same ’should-we-stay-or-should-we-go’ question.

And here’s what I recommend: don’t ask that question…yet. There will be time for it down the road. If you’re thinking about couples counseling, ask one of these questions first:

1. What do I need to do to be a healthier and more functional partner?
2. What is my ‘gripe’ about my spouse, and how can I articulate it to him/her so that my true concern is spoken and heard?
3. What is my vision for my relationship? Can I articulate that vision to myself, and also my partner?
4. What do I need to do as a next step in my own development as a mature adult?

These are just a few examples of questions I often encourage my clients to ask themselves. They’re a lot more complex—and, I think, rewarding—than the “Should I stay or should I go?” question. And if you’re working on these questions, you’ll find that whatever happens to your partnership/marriage—whether or not you stay together—you’ll come through it with a lot more insight about yourself, and a lot more tools to help yourself in whatever situation awaits you, whether it’s a restored relationship with your partner, a brand-new relationship with someone else, or a new life as a single person.

So if you’re not sure what will happen to your relationship, don’t worry. That’s not the most important question. We have a lot of other things to discuss first!

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I get this question from many couples.

Quick answer: I don’t know. But I’ll think about it, and we can talk about it.

I was trained to assume that it’s usually not a good idea to see one person in a couple if we’re discussing couple issues. It’s tricky. If I’m not careful, I could end up colluding with the person in front of me against the other person. It’s not hard for me to see this when it’s happening, but it’s something I need to pay close attention to. And it’s always worth asking the question, why can’t you work on your own individual stuff when your partner is with you in the session? It’s common–it’s an everyday occurrence, even!–for couples to triangulate. You’re frustrated with your spouse, so you gripe to your friend about it. It happens all the time. But it can’t happen in couples therapy, unless you don’t mind that your relationship isn’t getting any better. And I do mind–I want both of you to get better.

Having said all that, there are times when meeting with one of you is helpful. Most of the time, when one person in a couple is feeling bad or behaving badly, the other is also dealing with some troubling feelings and behaviors. (Sorry. If you think your partner’s the only one who has issues, this is bad news!) But there are times when one person really is presenting a deeper need or a more troubling concern than the other person, and that issue might not even be about the relationship. Or there are times when safety is a concern, or one person is simply too mad to come today, but the other could pick up some insights or coaching for use in later encounters. Again, it’s tricky, but it’s not unheard of, and sometimes beneficial, to have at least one session that’s one-on-one.

But there need to be a few ground rules. First, if I begin working together with you as a couple,* I really don’t like keeping secrets between you (triangulation!), and I won’t keep a secret if it affects the well-being, dignity, or safety of the other person. If you’re having an affair and want to excuse your partner to talk with me alone about the affair–and you’re not interested in talking about how to bring your partner into the conversation–then we better not do that. I’d be delighted to help both of you work on an affair, and I know that there may be a period in that work when one of you doesn’t know about it, but I see both of you as my client. I can’t be your confidante and not his. I can’t be your listening post and not hers.

Let’s talk about it. There are exceptions to most rules, and there are times when a one-on-one session is not only a good idea, but essential for our couples work to move forward.

But let’s be careful.

_____________

* If you begin working with me as an individual, sometimes we’ll talk about problems you’re having in a relationship, but in that case you aone are my client, and your partner is not. So we’d approach this question from the opposite direction: is it a good idea to bring your partner in? That’ll be a separate post in my “You” blog…stay tuned!

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It’s been a while, so I want to link again to this list of relationship tips by John Gottman, a master therapist and researcher. He studied couples who reported that they were happy—he took their word for it—and discovered these insights. I think my two favorites are “Accept Influence” and “Have High Standards.” In my work with couples, I find that couples are happier when they listen to each other and respond non-defensively (“Accept Influence”), and when they have high expectations of one another. That’s right—high expectations. Often enough, people will say, “Maybe I’m just being unrealistic, and demanding too much of him.” And I think, no, the reverse is true. Gottman’s research shows that the happiest couples are the ones who expect very good relationships with lots of give and take, lots of love, and lots of exciting intimacy.

But there’s something to think about here. You may have high expectations of your partner and come to find out that your partner simply is not interested (or able) to meet them. If so, this is upsetting, and it could lead to the end of your relationship. If that’s the case, the problem is not that your expectations were too high. It’s just that you were looking to the wrong person to meet them. And here’s maybe the hardest part to understand and accept: your partner (or now-ex-partner) was not wrong or bad for not meeting your expectations. They are your expectations, and no one was put on earth to meet them. You just need to find someone who wants to strive with you to have the high-expectation, high-quality relationship you want.

Oh – and I’ll add this: your partner may have promised you something that s/he ended up not willing (or able) to deliver. If that’s the case, then it makes perfect sense if you’re feeling frustrated and resentful. But if that’s not the case, your best option would be to take ownership of your expectations, keep them high, and keep searching for someone who wants to have the happy adventure you long for.

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For those of you who learn best by reflecting on images and poetry, here’s a poem (below) that I think offers a good image of how loss and painful change can help us take our relationships to the next level. If you’re worried that something is broken in your relationship, you might want to reflect on how its breakage is making possible a new, more solid structure. I found the poem here.

Scaffolding
by Seamus Heaney

Masons, when they start upon a building,
Are careful to test out the scaffolding.

Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.

And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.

So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me,

Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
confident that we have built our wall.

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Recently I acquired a new Flip camcorder so that I can videotape counseling sessions for my own learning and development as a therapist. To do this, I must obtain the written permission of the client, so please hear this loud and clear: the camera won’t be running when you come into my office! But I want to offer you the opportunity to have a videotaped session, and I’ve reduced my fee to $90 for a videotaped session (offer is good for one session per couple) to give you an added incentive to do this.

Here’s why it’s helpful: back in 2003, when I was licensed by the state of Washington as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I was finally allowed to stop working with a clinical supervisor. But I kept meeting with him. His insights and leadership are too valuable for me, and I know that the possession of a license doesn’t mean much if I don’t keep challenging myself and developing my skills. The best way for us to work together, though, is by viewing a video of one of my sessions and reflecting on the things I said and did in the session. Why did I lead the client this way? What’s my theory when I’m asking that? Have I considered how gender plays a role in their problem? Having a video makes all of this a much richer learning opportunity.

And there’s also a benefit for you (beyond the ten bucks!). If you’re willing to give written permission for a videotaped session, you’ll be letting my supervisor take a look at your problem and offer his insights. (You won’t meet with him, but I can let you know if there’s anything we discuss that might help you.)

If this isn’t your cup of tea, that’s just fine. But if you’re interested in doing this, let me know. It can lead to lots of learning and growth—and not just for me.

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I just saw this post from three days ago on the Stranger website. I’m not an avid reader of Dan Savage, but I’ve read him over the years and enjoyed his appearances on the national stage. But I have some quarrels with his take on monogamy, non-monogamy, and what’s “natural” and “unnatural.”

First, just so you know I get the joke (if it is a joke), I wouldn’t be surprised if Savage was just being provocative and sarcastic when he said monogamy is “unnatural.” After all, the people he tends to criticize are the people who love to separate “natural” human behaviors (such as, say, heterosexual missionary-style sex) from “unnatural” human behaviors (every other kind of sexual act, particularly if both participants share the same gender). Since I don’t read Savage too much, I’m happy to give him the benefit of the doubt. But on the chance that he’s being serious—that he truly holds to the view that long-term monogamous relationships are “unnatural” for humans, I would only say that he needs to clarify from what perspective he is stating this opinion. Is he reasoning as a sociologist or an anthropologist? I doubt it. And if not, then he’s just making a claim based on his own values and experience, and his label “unnatural” is, for the purposes of any serious debate, nonsensical.

(more…)

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A lot of couples come in for help with communication skills, intimacy problems, emotional issues, or relationship crises (like an affair). When the conversation gets around to sex, a lot of people back off and say, “It’s not just sex that I want to work on in our relationship,” or, “I’m not just worrying about our sex life,” as if it would be shallow or wrong to complain about sex.

I say, complain long and hard about it! Sex is a central, vital dimension of any romantic/partnered/married relationship. You’re not shallow for wanting it to be healthy and pleasurable.

I’ll use the euphemism “intimate” to make my point. When a couple says they were intimate recently, it might take me half a second to realize they’re talking about sex and not non-sexual emotional intimacy. Rather than letting the euphemism stand and dodging a frank discussion about sex, I might mention that the best sex includes emotional intimacy, so we’ll have to use the actual words–’sex,’ ‘having sex,’ and all the other words that so many people worry are not fit for polite conversation.

Let me unpack this a bit more. Imagine that you meet the person of your dreams, the two of you date for a few months, and you decide excitedly that this is it, this is the relationship you’ve been looking for all your life. You start to prepare to move in together. You’re elated by this positive, nourishing relationship in your life. You move in together, and over time (often not that much time) you start to run into sexual problems. One of you starts having orgasm trouble. One of you starts to lose desire. One or both of you starts feeling anxious about the fantasies you keep having, or not having. One of you develops a medical problem, or suffers a loss or setback elsewhere in your life, and the sex goes haywire.

At this point, if you’re like most people, you might start to feel a little panicked. Was I wrong? Is this person not “The One” for me? If you’re smart, you’ll decide to talk to a counselor–even at this early stage in your relationship–to work through these issues. If you come in and talk to me, you might be tempted to downplay the sex problem. Why? I think it’s because I’m a nice guy, my office looks all calm and therapy-esque, you’re holding a cup of hot tea… and maybe you read People magazine in my lobby and the sex portrayed in those pages is a lot flatter and sillier (or hotter!) than anything you’ve experienced. It could be any of those reasons, or just your natural, understandable shyness when you’re talking to a clinician about your private life. One common worry is that I will judge you, that I will see you as a shallow person, a sex-obsessed person.

I promise you, I will not do this! Sex is one of the most powerful ways—if not the most powerful way—to connect with your partner at the deepest level of emotional and personal intimacy. To be literally naked in the presence of one another—without withdrawing your full self, with all your thoughts, feelings, hangups, and strengths—is a sure-fire way to grow and develop as a human being. I will even go as far as to say that sex is, at its best, one of the holiest activities two human beings can share together.

So, let’s talk about it. You’re not shallow. Far from it. You want the full benefits—and full challenges—of a serious, sexual relationship? I’m glad! And I can help you get there.

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When I work with couples, sooner or later I have to come clean with them and tell them that one of my jobs is to challenge both of them: each of you will be confronted with something hard, something very hard, that you need to wrestle with if you want your relationship to move forward. Maybe you need to be more assertive, and for you that is just simply terrifying! Or maybe you need to do the opposite–open yourself up to the other person, and maybe notice them (and their perspectives, and their needs) for the first time. Or maybe your challenge is something else entirely. In any case, one of my jobs is to challenge you.

But the other half of my job is to instill hope. And I mean it. I’ve posted before on the problem of hopelessness and discouragement in relationships, and I am convinced that this is a pervasive problem that frustrates and confounds us in our effort to relate well to others and, well, just be happy. So here’s my mini-manifesto on hope:

Be encouraged: you most likely can make the changes you want to make in your relationship, and even if you can’t—even if you or your partner finally decides to put an end to it—you can handle that disappointment, move forward, and gain wisdom from the experience. Either way, you will make it. I’ve worked with many hundreds of individuals and couples over the last eleven years—I think I’m in the thousands now!—and I have many inspiring stories to tell (if only they weren’t confidential!) about people who thought they couldn’t handle something, but then discovered that they were able to deal with it.

They thought they couldn’t improve their communication with their partner, and they learned new skills—and discovered courage they didn’t know they had—to break new ground. Or they thought they could never regain sexual attraction to their partner, and they found out to their delight that with a little relaxation, self-examination, and faith, they could open up to their partner in a new way, and get the chemistry back. Or they believed that they could never overcome the trauma and heartbreak of their past, but learned to their great relief that they are still capable of having a healthy, honest, non-abusive relationship with someone.

And there’s only one catch. (And I have to be honest about this!)

Here’s the catch: there’s lots of reason for hope, but almost 100% of the time, the happiness and satisfaction you seek will come to you only after you confront your demons, or overcome your fears, or wrestle with your usual way of doing things. Something difficult nearly always precedes the deep satisfaction of a new relationship.

When we work together, you can look forward to two things: a challenge, and a hopeful vision. They go hand-in-hand. I’ll even say that they depend on each other: without hope, the challenge is depressing, discouraging, even debilitating. And without challenge, hope is just a pipe dream. Couples therapy helps you work on both of these things. Be challenged…but also, be encouraged!

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I like to tell clients that the biggest barrier to successful therapy is low intensity. The one-hour-per-week model of therapy is (if you ask me) showing signs of age, and the future is a more intense format. Click here for more on this. But there’s another barrier to successful therapy: we will run into problems if we don’t think about our agenda.

First, there’s your agenda. (And if you’re a couple, you have two!) Maybe you want to vent. Maybe you want to improve your communication skills. Maybe–if you’re being really honest with yourself–you want to win an argument or get your partner to change. Maybe–if you’re being really, really honest!–your agenda in therapy is simply to appease your partner, to score points for showing up in the hopes that s/he will get off your back. Obviously, not all agendas are created equal!

But then there’s my agenda. If a therapist tells you she doesn’t have an agenda, she’s lying. Therapists always have an agenda, whether or not they’re aware of it. And we always have theories, opinions, biases, and buttons (as in, you can push my buttons). To be a good therapist, I need to know this and work with it, keeping what works (such as a good theory) and overcoming what doesn’t (such as an unfair bias or unhelpful opinion).

When we meet, I will always ask about the agenda, and I’ll always try to say at least something about my own. One time I worked with a couple whose agenda was to get the other person to understand something, or stop doing something. Both of them said it that way. “My agenda is to get him to understand that _____.” “My agenda is to get her to stop doing _____.” After they both announced these agendas, I told them that my agenda was quite different. I told them that my agenda was to get each of them to confront themselves about their own lack of understanding and their own bad behavior.

It helped to do this–it always helps to do this–because then both therapist and client can see more clearly what’s in store for them, and decide whether couples counseling is truly the right way to go. Sometimes it’s not. And in that case, we talk about other options for the couple.

But I’m happy to say that most times counseling does turn out to be useful, and we’re able to set an agenda that helps the couple work through their issues and find happiness. But every time we get together, I’m going to ask about agenda. So when you’re getting ready for a session, take some time to think about your hopes, assumptions, and plans for the session. Think about your agenda. I may encourage you to change it when you come in, or it may turn out to be the best path for us to follow. Either way, it pays to think ahead.

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Let’s talk about homework. I have two definitions of it. First, there’s the homework I’ll occasionally encourage clients to do between sessions (okay, not occasionally…often!). Here’s a book I think you’ll like, or maybe you two should try being more present emotionally when you’re having sex (and here’s how), or how about looking at this list and trying out some of the ideas?

Other times, I define ‘homework’ more broadly. During the session–and particularly in a couples session–you and I might notice something you’re doing (or not doing) because you’re scared. (It’s usually fear and anxiety more than anything else!) You’re scared to be honest, scared to reveal a truth, scared to take a risk, scared to say the thing you know will upset your partner, scared to be tender and caring…scared. This can be your homework.

Sometimes homework is a specific task, a self-help book, a technique. But more often it’s the hard and scary work of self-confrontation, both inside the therapy session and out in your own world of home and work and relationships. And here’s a funny thing: if you’re feeling bored–in therapy, let’s say, or more generally in your relationship–then you’re probably scared of something! Fear is a great basic emotion–an emotion that leads to secondary emotions like boredom, anger, sadness. (Sometimes those are basic emotions too, of course. But fear is often at the heart of the dilemmas we face in couples work.)

So I’ll recommend specific homework for you, if that’s what you’d like. But most often I’ll be challenging you to do your ‘personal homework,’ and that’s mostly going to be about your fears. But this isn’t the end of the story. When people face their fears and challenge themselves, their relationships improve. All of the happy couples I know–personally and professionally–have found happiness by confronting their fears. It sounds hard because it is hard. But ‘personal homework’ is the best path to happiness and ecstasy in your relationship.

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