Speaking of ‘stories,’ I love the way John Le Carre, the author, defines ‘story.’ In an interview, he said, “‘The cat sat on the mat’ is not a story. ‘The cat sat on the dog’s mat’ is a story.” In other words, stories involve two characters or things or cultures coming into a conflictual relationship with one another. And what I think that means for couples is this: when you and your stories come into contact with me and my stories, we create new stories together, stories about the two of us. Does that sound confusing? (Or a little exhausting??!) Well…that’s also what makes couple relationships so interesting!

So the next time you’re taking offense at something your partner said or did, think about your stories. What stories are you telling yourself, and what new stories are you and your partner creating together as you come into contact (and conflict) with each other?

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And it’s a great metaphor for what happens to a person who learns that their partner has had an affair. Maybe this seems obvious to you, but finding out your partner had an affair is a deeply traumatizing experience. It instantly transforms a major part of your life into something you know nothing about: you’re now partnered with someone who had an affair…what else don’t you know about your partner??

That’s why, if the two of you decide to save the relationship, the person who was betrayed begins to present symptoms of PTSD: hyper-vigilant behaviors, intrusive thoughts, intense mood swings, and being triggered by certain objects or words. You have traumatized your partner. (Or, dear reader, you yourself have been traumatized.) What to do?

First, it helps to recognize this as the trauma it is. If you both understand that one of you has been traumatized enough to experience PTSD, that can help you both be patient and hang in there for the long haul. There’s a lot of repair work to do, but if you both understand the severity of the feelings the affair has caused, you can then relax and get down to work. For example, the person who had the affair might grow impatient with being “the bad guy,” or have a hard time listening to his (or her) partner as they work through their awful feelings. It ain’t pretty. You’re guilty, yet you don’t always feel guilty, and maybe you feel guilty about that. (Or maybe you don’t! Maybe you’re feeling impatient, frustrated, and blamed for something you don’t want to cop to.) And, if you’re like a lot of people who have affairs, you can’t help feeling hopeless about ever regaining your partner’s trust. In all of this, it helps to tell yourself that right now, your partner has PTSD, and people recover from PTSD. There is hope that you two will—slowly and carefully—get through this.

Or if you’re the one who was betrayed, you may feel so awful that you can’t imagine you’ll ever be happy again, or ever trust again. If you tell yourself that you have PTSD—that you were struck full-on by a car—then you can trust that, though your recovery might be slow, it is possible. It is doable.

Not everyone survives a car-vs.ped accident. Some affairs destroy relationships, and some individuals never do the work of recovery, never move forward with their lives. But you can follow a different path. You can appreciate how badly you hurt your partner, and begin the hard process of putting it right. Or you can recognize how badly you’ve been hurt, and also appreciate how much potential you have to work through it, heal, and trust again.

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And here’s what I recommend: don’t ask that question…yet. There will be time for it down the road. If you’re thinking about couples counseling, ask one of these questions first:

1. What do I need to do to be a healthier and more functional partner?
2. What is my ‘gripe’ about my spouse, and how can I articulate it to him/her so that my true concern is spoken and heard?
3. What is my vision for my relationship? Can I articulate that vision to myself, and also my partner?
4. What do I need to do as a next step in my own development as a mature adult?

These are just a few examples of questions I often encourage my clients to ask themselves. They’re a lot more complex—and, I think, rewarding—than the “Should I stay or should I go?” question. And if you’re working on these questions, you’ll find that whatever happens to your partnership/marriage—whether or not you stay together—you’ll come through it with a lot more insight about yourself, and a lot more tools to help yourself in whatever situation awaits you, whether it’s a restored relationship with your partner, a brand-new relationship with someone else, or a new life as a single person.

So if you’re not sure what will happen to your relationship, don’t worry. That’s not the most important question. We have a lot of other things to discuss first!

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Quick answer: I don’t know. But I’ll think about it, and we can talk about it.

I was trained to assume that it’s usually not a good idea to see one person in a couple if we’re discussing couple issues. It’s tricky. If I’m not careful, I could end up colluding with the person in front of me against the other person. It’s not hard for me to see this when it’s happening, but it’s something I need to pay close attention to. And it’s always worth asking the question, why can’t you work on your own individual stuff when your partner is with you in the session? It’s common–it’s an everyday occurrence, even!–for couples to triangulate. You’re frustrated with your spouse, so you gripe to your friend about it. It happens all the time. But it can’t happen in couples therapy, unless you don’t mind that your relationship isn’t getting any better. And I do mind–I want both of you to get better.

Having said all that, there are times when meeting with one of you is helpful. Most of the time, when one person in a couple is feeling bad or behaving badly, the other is also dealing with some troubling feelings and behaviors. (Sorry. If you think your partner’s the only one who has issues, this is bad news!) But there are times when one person really is presenting a deeper need or a more troubling concern than the other person, and that issue might not even be about the relationship. Or there are times when safety is a concern, or one person is simply too mad to come today, but the other could pick up some insights or coaching for use in later encounters. Again, it’s tricky, but it’s not unheard of, and sometimes beneficial, to have at least one session that’s one-on-one.

But there need to be a few ground rules. First, if I begin working together with you as a couple,* I really don’t like keeping secrets between you (triangulation!), and I won’t keep a secret if it affects the well-being, dignity, or safety of the other person. If you’re having an affair and want to excuse your partner to talk with me alone about the affair–and you’re not interested in talking about how to bring your partner into the conversation–then we better not do that. I’d be delighted to help both of you work on an affair, and I know that there may be a period in that work when one of you doesn’t know about it, but I see both of you as my client. I can’t be your confidante and not his. I can’t be your listening post and not hers.

Let’s talk about it. There are exceptions to most rules, and there are times when a one-on-one session is not only a good idea, but essential for our couples work to move forward.

But let’s be careful.

_____________

* If you begin working with me as an individual, sometimes we’ll talk about problems you’re having in a relationship, but in that case you aone are my client, and your partner is not. So we’d approach this question from the opposite direction: is it a good idea to bring your partner in? That’ll be a separate post in my “You” blog…stay tuned!

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But there’s something to think about here. You may have high expectations of your partner and come to find out that your partner simply is not interested (or able) to meet them. If so, this is upsetting, and it could lead to the end of your relationship. If that’s the case, the problem is not that your expectations were too high. It’s just that you were looking to the wrong person to meet them. And here’s maybe the hardest part to understand and accept: your partner (or now-ex-partner) was not wrong or bad for not meeting your expectations. They are your expectations, and no one was put on earth to meet them. You just need to find someone who wants to strive with you to have the high-expectation, high-quality relationship you want.

Oh – and I’ll add this: your partner may have promised you something that s/he ended up not willing (or able) to deliver. If that’s the case, then it makes perfect sense if you’re feeling frustrated and resentful. But if that’s not the case, your best option would be to take ownership of your expectations, keep them high, and keep searching for someone who wants to have the happy adventure you long for.

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Scaffolding
by Seamus Heaney

Masons, when they start upon a building,
Are careful to test out the scaffolding.

Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.

And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.

So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me,

Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
confident that we have built our wall.

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Here’s why it’s helpful: back in 2003, when I was licensed by the state of Washington as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I was finally allowed to stop working with a clinical supervisor. But I kept meeting with him. His insights and leadership are too valuable for me, and I know that the possession of a license doesn’t mean much if I don’t keep challenging myself and developing my skills. The best way for us to work together, though, is by viewing a video of one of my sessions and reflecting on the things I said and did in the session. Why did I lead the client this way? What’s my theory when I’m asking that? Have I considered how gender plays a role in their problem? Having a video makes all of this a much richer learning opportunity.

And there’s also a benefit for you (beyond the ten bucks!). If you’re willing to give written permission for a videotaped session, you’ll be letting my supervisor take a look at your problem and offer his insights. (You won’t meet with him, but I can let you know if there’s anything we discuss that might help you.)

If this isn’t your cup of tea, that’s just fine. But if you’re interested in doing this, let me know. It can lead to lots of learning and growth—and not just for me.

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First, just so you know I get the joke (if it is a joke), I wouldn’t be surprised if Savage was just being provocative and sarcastic when he said monogamy is “unnatural.” After all, the people he tends to criticize are the people who love to separate “natural” human behaviors (such as, say, heterosexual missionary-style sex) from “unnatural” human behaviors (every other kind of sexual act, particularly if both participants share the same gender). Since I don’t read Savage too much, I’m happy to give him the benefit of the doubt. But on the chance that he’s being serious—that he truly holds to the view that long-term monogamous relationships are “unnatural” for humans, I would only say that he needs to clarify from what perspective he is stating this opinion. Is he reasoning as a sociologist or an anthropologist? I doubt it. And if not, then he’s just making a claim based on his own values and experience, and his label “unnatural” is, for the purposes of any serious debate, nonsensical.

Okay, that was pretty wordy, and probably sounded snarky. Sorry. But I have a button that Savage pushed: I think people should speak from their area of expertise. If you’re a theologian, I don’t want you telling me your theory of the origin of the species. That’s a biologist’s job. You might have opinions about these things, but that’s all they are—opinions. And if you’re a biologist, I don’t think you’re an expert on the existential dilemmas of the human race, or the meaning of death, or the purpose of life. You might have opinions about these things, but that’s all they are—opinions.

But back to Savage’s theme, which was his contention that non-monogamous relationships are superior to monogamous ones. Speaking from my area of expertise—I am a couples therapist—I disagree. I think all forms of coupling carry both gifts and challenges. If you’re in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship, you have the freedom to explore your sexuality with multiple partners, fill your days and years with a variety of romantic companions, and resolve the typical relationship problems (boredom, low desire, conflict, anxiety) by involving others in the dynamic. But you are also vulnerable to the challenges non-monogamous relationships raise, such as jealousy, complicated triangulation, and an increased chance that no one will become as emotionally intimate with each other as they would if they were in a one-on-one relationship.

But if you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s not a day at the park, either. You have the gifts of a one-on-one union, and for me the greatest gift of monogamy is the incredible (and incredibly difficult) transformation and maturity that happens when you really work on drawing closer emotionally (and physically) to one other person. If Savage thinks monogamy is “unnatural” because of the divorce rate, or boredom, or diminishing sexual satisfaction in the monogamous relationships he has known in his research and personal life, I see these problems as the challenges of monagamy, not evidence that it is inferior to other relationship arrangements. Savage seems to be making a common mistake: he sees problems and challenges as evidence that a relationship arrangement is flawed. I see them as part of the normal developmental process. Sometimes the problems and challenges are the very things we need to grow, develop, and find happiness together.

If Savage is upset with “monoganazis” who insist that their way is best, he would do well to avoid their methods of separating everyone into groups labeled “natural” and “unnatural.” I’ll say it this way: if you’re in a relationship, it’s going to be lovely, thrilling, hard, frustrating, and sometimes just plain boring. All of this is natural. All of this is normal. Let’s keep everyone in one group of natural, normal humans who are participating in the mystery of relationships.

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I say, complain long and hard about it! Sex is a central, vital dimension of any romantic/partnered/married relationship. You’re not shallow for wanting it to be healthy and pleasurable.

I’ll use the euphemism “intimate” to make my point. When a couple says they were intimate recently, it might take me half a second to realize they’re talking about sex and not non-sexual emotional intimacy. Rather than letting the euphemism stand and dodging a frank discussion about sex, I might mention that the best sex includes emotional intimacy, so we’ll have to use the actual words–’sex,’ ‘having sex,’ and all the other words that so many people worry are not fit for polite conversation.

Let me unpack this a bit more. Imagine that you meet the person of your dreams, the two of you date for a few months, and you decide excitedly that this is it, this is the relationship you’ve been looking for all your life. You start to prepare to move in together. You’re elated by this positive, nourishing relationship in your life. You move in together, and over time (often not that much time) you start to run into sexual problems. One of you starts having orgasm trouble. One of you starts to lose desire. One or both of you starts feeling anxious about the fantasies you keep having, or not having. One of you develops a medical problem, or suffers a loss or setback elsewhere in your life, and the sex goes haywire.

At this point, if you’re like most people, you might start to feel a little panicked. Was I wrong? Is this person not “The One” for me? If you’re smart, you’ll decide to talk to a counselor–even at this early stage in your relationship–to work through these issues. If you come in and talk to me, you might be tempted to downplay the sex problem. Why? I think it’s because I’m a nice guy, my office looks all calm and therapy-esque, you’re holding a cup of hot tea… and maybe you read People magazine in my lobby and the sex portrayed in those pages is a lot flatter and sillier (or hotter!) than anything you’ve experienced. It could be any of those reasons, or just your natural, understandable shyness when you’re talking to a clinician about your private life. One common worry is that I will judge you, that I will see you as a shallow person, a sex-obsessed person.

I promise you, I will not do this! Sex is one of the most powerful ways—if not the most powerful way—to connect with your partner at the deepest level of emotional and personal intimacy. To be literally naked in the presence of one another—without withdrawing your full self, with all your thoughts, feelings, hangups, and strengths—is a sure-fire way to grow and develop as a human being. I will even go as far as to say that sex is, at its best, one of the holiest activities two human beings can share together.

So, let’s talk about it. You’re not shallow. Far from it. You want the full benefits—and full challenges—of a serious, sexual relationship? I’m glad! And I can help you get there.

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But the other half of my job is to instill hope. And I mean it. I’ve posted before on the problem of hopelessness and discouragement in relationships, and I am convinced that this is a pervasive problem that frustrates and confounds us in our effort to relate well to others and, well, just be happy. So here’s my mini-manifesto on hope:

Be encouraged: you most likely can make the changes you want to make in your relationship, and even if you can’t—even if you or your partner finally decides to put an end to it—you can handle that disappointment, move forward, and gain wisdom from the experience. Either way, you will make it. I’ve worked with many hundreds of individuals and couples over the last eleven years—I think I’m in the thousands now!—and I have many inspiring stories to tell (if only they weren’t confidential!) about people who thought they couldn’t handle something, but then discovered that they were able to deal with it.

They thought they couldn’t improve their communication with their partner, and they learned new skills—and discovered courage they didn’t know they had—to break new ground. Or they thought they could never regain sexual attraction to their partner, and they found out to their delight that with a little relaxation, self-examination, and faith, they could open up to their partner in a new way, and get the chemistry back. Or they believed that they could never overcome the trauma and heartbreak of their past, but learned to their great relief that they are still capable of having a healthy, honest, non-abusive relationship with someone.

And there’s only one catch. (And I have to be honest about this!)

Here’s the catch: there’s lots of reason for hope, but almost 100% of the time, the happiness and satisfaction you seek will come to you only after you confront your demons, or overcome your fears, or wrestle with your usual way of doing things. Something difficult nearly always precedes the deep satisfaction of a new relationship.

When we work together, you can look forward to two things: a challenge, and a hopeful vision. They go hand-in-hand. I’ll even say that they depend on each other: without hope, the challenge is depressing, discouraging, even debilitating. And without challenge, hope is just a pipe dream. Couples therapy helps you work on both of these things. Be challenged…but also, be encouraged!

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