I want to say more about my recommendation that you not over-focus on the question of whether or not to stay in your relationship. This is just another way to look at it, and to do this I’ll say a little bit about my own story:

A little over ten years ago, I started seeing someone. We moved through the usual stages or phases of an early relationship, with all the ups and downs you might expect, until in 2003 we, well, “tied the knot.” (Our marriage, alas, is not yet recognized by the state. But that’s another story.) Since 2003, we’ve continued to build our life together, making lots of decisions you’ll recognize in your own life and relationships: should we get a dog? (yes); should we get another dog? (yes); should we get another dog? (yes); should we have children? (no); should we live near either of our families in Arizona and Minnesota? (no)… and so on. This is life in a long-term committed relationship. And right now, as we close in on eleven years together and I prepare for my 40th birthday next month, I can tell you: I’m happy.

But—there have been some losses. Some of the decisions we made (and no, the list above is not exhaustive) didn’t go in the direction I wanted. Sometimes we’ve made decisions together that have led me to feel a deep pang of loss. “If I were on my own,” I’d tell myself, “I wouldn’t do this.” Often in my work with clients, people come to counseling bearing the wounds of these losses. Or they come with anticipatory anxiety about the losses they’ll suffer if they hook up with a person, or stay with a person.

And here’s my latest take on all of this. First, the losses you’ve suffered—and will suffer—are real, and they are painful. No question. I won’t insult you by trying to minimize what you’ll lose if you decide to go a certain way in your life, career, or relationship. You will lose something. And most often that loss will really sting. So… why do it? Here’s why (if you ask me). Whatever I’ve decided in my life—over the past ten years with my partner, and in the years before that—and whether or not I’ve been conscious of this, I have always wanted to be happy, to have delightful experiences, to join with another person in ecstatic union (sexual and otherwise), to laugh, to love, to be loved… in short, I’ve always wanted my life on this planet to be wonderful.

And now that I’m pushing 40 (and pushing it hard), I’m finding that whatever choices I make, whether they’re thought through and careful, whimsical and adventurous, or just plain stupid (!), I always have a shot at the happiness I want. If I had chosen differently ten years ago, six years ago, two years ago, or yesterday, I would not be with my partner right now, and that would have been a loss. Ten years ago, it would have been a lost opportunity. Yesterday or two years ago or six years ago, it would have been deeply sad and life-changing. But even then, I would have had a shot at the happiness I want, just as much as I do now, with my partner but without some of the things I’ve lost along the way while deciding to be with this one person.

So… it all comes down to this: if you’re deeply torn about what to do because you know that either choice is going to be painful, can you also see that, no matter what choice you make (even if it’s a, well, bonehead stupid one!), you can still find the happiness you want? After all, you’ll always have yourself, no matter what you choose. And you have a lot of say in what you do with yourself, no matter where you choose to take your life, and no matter where life takes you.

Does this open up the topic and clarify things a bit more? If not, I’d love to hear your comments and questions.

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I was saddened to hear that Al and Tipper Gore are separating, and at the same time I was intrigued by the nationwide reaction. Lots of people reacted as I did—”That’s sad!” we all cried out.

But is it?

Michelle Cottle, one of my favorite journalists, offered this take on the Gore separation. I like what she said. As upsetting as it might be for many of us who look to public figures to exemplify healthy marriages, it’s not all that hard to see how this separation makes good sense for this particular couple, and need not be seen as evidence that marriage in general is in trouble. My partner and I have been together for ten years, and if I have my way, we’ll be toasting each other at our fiftieth in 2049, with hopes for another 20 years of love and happiness. (He’s a really great guy.) But some couples follow a different path. Notice Michelle’s comment about the “unblinking” public eye that gazed upon the Gores for so long. Could your marriage survive that? Maybe. But it makes sense if Al and Tipper found themselves at an impasse, even though they’ve been together for so long. (Or…because they’ve been together for so long…)

If you’re a curious, courageous soul who loves your spouse and hopes to enjoy a lifelong marriage, you won’t necessarily suffer the fate of Al and Tipper. Anything is possible, but conscious intent is powerful. If you’re worried or saddened by the Gores’ story, take some time to talk to your spouse. Find out whether s/he feels you’re both doing okay. Try to be flexible, open, and daring as the two of you learn from the experiences of other couples and plan a bright future together.

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So, this happened.

Back in June I posted on the then-revelatory news that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford had had an affair (and a spectacular one, at that). And ever since then, I’ve felt increasingly uncomfortable with my June-09 take on the story. The hapless governor has looked worse and worse in my view. And it isn’t just the emails. It’s that after he disclosed his affair to his wife Jenny, he then asked for her permission to visit his lover. Maybe this is obvious, but that’s a no-no.

He never came to me for advice, but here’s how a better man (or woman) in that situation would handle it: 1) if you’re not planning to end it—or are at all ambivalent about ending it—tell your spouse about the affair; 2) if you can honestly say that you want to move in the direction of reviving your marriage (or bringing it to life for the first time), then by all means seek counseling; 3) stop telling the world about it and respect your spouse’s privacy, if not your own; 4) if you want to visit your lover, then visit her, but you’ll need to go back to step one and reconsider whether you really want to honor your spouse with a legitimate reconciliation process.

Since Gov. Sanford did none of these things, when I learned that his wife filed for divorce, I thought it was a good move. To borrow a line from one of my favorite therapists and authors, Mark Sanford forced Jenny Sanford to choose between her integrity and her marriage. I’m glad she chose wisely.

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When I work with couples, sooner or later I have to come clean with them and tell them that one of my jobs is to challenge both of them: each of you will be confronted with something hard, something very hard, that you need to wrestle with if you want your relationship to move forward. Maybe you need to be more assertive, and for you that is just simply terrifying! Or maybe you need to do the opposite–open yourself up to the other person, and maybe notice them (and their perspectives, and their needs) for the first time. Or maybe your challenge is something else entirely. In any case, one of my jobs is to challenge you.

But the other half of my job is to instill hope. And I mean it. I’ve posted before on the problem of hopelessness and discouragement in relationships, and I am convinced that this is a pervasive problem that frustrates and confounds us in our effort to relate well to others and, well, just be happy. So here’s my mini-manifesto on hope:

Be encouraged: you most likely can make the changes you want to make in your relationship, and even if you can’t—even if you or your partner finally decides to put an end to it—you can handle that disappointment, move forward, and gain wisdom from the experience. Either way, you will make it. I’ve worked with many hundreds of individuals and couples over the last eleven years—I think I’m in the thousands now!—and I have many inspiring stories to tell (if only they weren’t confidential!) about people who thought they couldn’t handle something, but then discovered that they were able to deal with it.

They thought they couldn’t improve their communication with their partner, and they learned new skills—and discovered courage they didn’t know they had—to break new ground. Or they thought they could never regain sexual attraction to their partner, and they found out to their delight that with a little relaxation, self-examination, and faith, they could open up to their partner in a new way, and get the chemistry back. Or they believed that they could never overcome the trauma and heartbreak of their past, but learned to their great relief that they are still capable of having a healthy, honest, non-abusive relationship with someone.

And there’s only one catch. (And I have to be honest about this!)

Here’s the catch: there’s lots of reason for hope, but almost 100% of the time, the happiness and satisfaction you seek will come to you only after you confront your demons, or overcome your fears, or wrestle with your usual way of doing things. Something difficult nearly always precedes the deep satisfaction of a new relationship.

When we work together, you can look forward to two things: a challenge, and a hopeful vision. They go hand-in-hand. I’ll even say that they depend on each other: without hope, the challenge is depressing, discouraging, even debilitating. And without challenge, hope is just a pipe dream. Couples therapy helps you work on both of these things. Be challenged…but also, be encouraged!

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Couples, I encourage you to read at least the first few paragraphs of this long (and negative) book review. If you’re like me, when the critic doesn’t like the book, you don’t worry about reading every letter of the review. She doesn’t like the book. Okay. Then let’s move on to books she recommends. And in this case, I feel frustrated because I have an immodest feeling that I would write a better book on this topic!

Anyway, the review as a whole may or may not interest you, but the first few paragraphs definitely captured my attention. They were singing my song.

Again and again, I bring couples back to the theme of courage and risk. Are you willing to take a scary risk in your relationship? Are you willing to open up to another person if it means being vulnerable, and not in total control? Are you using silence–or thousands of words–to hide what you really want to say? In my experience–both personal and professional–it’s the good things that are the most risky. Expressing your love. Working on forgiveness. Allowing your partner to laugh with (and at) you. Telling your partner about your most private sexual fantasies. Those are often much riskier–and scarier–than telling your partner a hard truth.

So take a look at this book review. And hopefully, before long, I’ll have my own book on love and risk to recommend!

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Is it wrong–or weak–to say “yes” when you don’t feel it? Your partner is sick of renting and wants to buy a condo with you, and you’re not sure you feel strongly enough about him to take that step. Your true answer is “maybe.” Should you say “yes”? Or your partner wants to get married–and move to Massachusetts so that it’s a state-sanctioned marriage–and you aren’t sure you really love her enough to make such a strong commitment. Your true answer is “no.” Should you say “yes”? Or how about this one: your partner wants a child, and you don’t. And for your partner, it’s a deal-breaker. Should you say “yes”?

Maybe.

There are times in a relationship when it’s best to assert yourself, to say “no” when “no” is the answer, to say “maybe” when you need more time. There are times when this self-assertion will lead to the end of the relationship, and even then, it’s the right choice… the right choice for you.

And then there are times when you discern that despite your preferences–and some of them are strong!!–you feel and think that you’d like to creatively say “yes.” Yes, I will move in with you. Yes, I will move to Massachusetts with you and set a wedding date. Yes, I will begin the process of becoming a parent with you. Of course the dilemma is, how do you decide when you’re “supposed to” assert yourself vs. when you’re “supposed to” accommodate your partner? I have a response to this.

You’ll get a lot closer to the answer if you consciously begin a process of discernment. I’m talking about self-discernment here–getting in touch with yourself. How do you do that? If you’re a journaling person, you start writing, and you return regularly to the journal to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. If you’re an athletic, outgoing person, you work out and then have coffee with a good friend. If you’re an introverted, contemplative person, you take time for silence and stillness, time to breathe, wait, and receive the wisdom you seek. And if you’re any of these kinds of people, you may find that doing something contrary to your instinct is also helpful. (The extravert might learn a lot on a walk by herself, and the introvert might receive good counsel from a friend.) If your partner wants you to make a significant change in the relationship for his/her sake, then it is not wrong–no, not at all!–for you to tell your partner that you need some amount of time for discernment. And then, if you’ve discerned what you think the answer is, go ahead and give your partner the answer.

And if the answer is “yes,” remember this (and remember it well!): you chose to say yes. Your partner did not force you to do so. You may say, “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” but if it doesn’t work out or you find that you’re miserable in your new situation, it’s important for you to see how you yourself made this choice. At the same time, it also helps if your partner understands and respects the process you’ve gone through, and it’s okay for you to ask your partner for this. “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” you might say, and then add, “and I ask you to be patient with my ambivalence about it. I am actively choosing to say yes, but I’m also asking for your patience as I live into this decision.”

In the end, whatever decision you make, it’s not the wrong one. Even if it leads to suffering and upheaval in your life, it is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about your partner, and about the mystery of relationships–the mystery of two persons drawing close together in a dynamic, sometimes scary, and unpredictable adventure.

If you say yes, I encourage you to do it this way–to creatively say “yes,” and then, as your future unfolds, keep discerning!

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One of the books I want to write is a counseling abecedary, an A-Z book of 26 essays on 26 words that I use a lot in my work with clients. Most people would guess that C is for communication. You’ve heard this before: “We just can’t communicate,” your friend tells you. “I want him to go to counseling so we can learn how to communicate.” It’s a fairly common belief.

But most of the time, communication isn’t the problem. Couples communicate all the time, and only sometimes is it verbal. Silence says a lot. Body language says even more. So if you feel cut off from your partner and think it’s because you’re having poor communication, think of it this way: you’re communicating all over the place. But neither of you wants to hear what the other person is saying.

I would love to hear a new client say, “We’re here because we have poor courage. We want to improve our courage.”

If you don’t know what I mean, think about this: think about the issue or problem you and your partner supposedly don’t know how to communicate about. You never talk about it. It’s the elephant in the room. Maybe it’s sex–one of you wants it all the time, the other never does. Or it’s money–one of you has a lot of it, the other does not, and it’s your Forbidden Subject. You can safely assume that both of you are communicating a lot about this. Your communication is saying, “This is a forbidden topic.” Or, “We can’t handle this issue.” Or, “If we talk about this, we’ll break up.” These messages are being sent and received, over and over again, loud and clear. What’s missing is courage. “Honey, I want to talk about our sex life,” you imagine saying. But you’re afraid to bring it up.

That’s why most of my work with clients is about building courage, not communication skills. You’re communicating just fine. It’s your fear that’s getting in your way.

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Like everyone, I have my biases. And one of them is this: I have a problem with passivity. Here’s what I mean. If you’re in a relationship, chances are you (like most of us, including me) have a tendency to receive your relationship passively. You unconsciously think that your relationship is something that happens to you, not something you actively co-create with another person. If things are going well, you call yourself “lucky,” or you are thankful to your partner, or to the person who introduced you to your partner, for the gift of this good relationship. And if things aren’t going well, you are frustrated and feel like you’ve been dealt a bad hand.

If you think and feel this way, you’re not crazy. After all, relationships often feel out of our own personal control. You’re relating to another human being who can (and will) behave unpredictably, and independently. And most of us (including you and the person you love) act in our own self-interest more often than not. It’s no wonder we often feel out of control in our relationships!

But you might have more influence and control than you think. Please understand: I don’t equate passivity with creative accommodation. Sometimes it’s a great idea for you to actively, consciously choose to go along with your partner’s decisions and choices in the relationship. Maybe s/he has an idea about your next vacation, or your next sexual adventure, or your next home-repair project, and you think to yourself, that’s not what I would have decided, but you know, I’m willing to go along with this. I’m open to my partner’s wisdom on this particular issue. That’s not passivity.

Passivity is the assumption (usually unconscious, but sometimes not) that your partner’s choices are law, or that you yourself have no choices. Passivity is the assumption that your relationship either can’t change, or won’t change without extreme suffering. Passivity sees your partner as someone who will remain the same, much to your own frustration. Passivity looks at relationships as experiences that are received–more like a movie you’re watching than a play in which you’re a lead actor.

If you catch yourself going passive in your relationship, I offer you a warning and a challenge. First, the warning: going passive can easily lead to going passive-aggressive! And the challenge: ask yourself whether you really can’t handle taking direct action in your relationship. Conscious action, creative action. Challenge yourself to “go active.”

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Lots of couples go into counseling because they think they have communication problems. “We just talk past each other.” “We don’t talk at all.” “It didn’t used to be like this…we used to be able to work out our problems, but now we just fight.”

Though this sounds like you have communication problems, it might help to think of your problem differently. Try this: you actually communicate really well, you just don’t like what the other person is saying! “We just talk past each other” can be translated as, “When we hear what the other person is saying, we don’t like it, and we try to talk over it, change the subject, or shift the argument to our own advantage.” “We don’t talk at all” could be translated as, “We don’t have to use words anymore because we’re that good at communicating how upset we are!” “It didn’t used to be like this…now we just fight” could be translated as, “We’re done with diplomacy and are now communicating powerfully via open warfare.”

So if communication isn’t your problem, what is your problem? My hunch with most couples is that they are communicating just fine, but they still haven’t really wrestled with their real differences. For example, let’s say there’s a major disagreement about sex. (This is an issue that couples communicate about quite a lot, but mostly non-verbally!) One or both of you may have hurt feelings, unexpressed fears, embarrassing memories, intimacy issues, body issues, physiological problems, or any number of other concerns that affect your sex life, and the way forward is not necessarily learning how to communicate better, but rather to face those feelings, fears, issues, and problems yourself, and then (with courage!) re-engage with your partner. Chances are both of you are struggling with a number of these issues, and chances are you’re both aware of that on some level.

Here’s another way of saying it. You don’t necessarily have a communication problem–the two of you communicate quite efficiently, often enough without the need for words. But you do have a consciousness problem: you’re not very conscious or insightful about the storm of thoughts and feelings that’s swirling within you, and you’re (understandably) scared of this storm. Counseling helps you make sense of yourself, and then take healthy risks with yourself and your partner. And through all of this, you can be sure that you have most of the communication skills you need! What you’re really looking for, and building in your counseling work, is courage.

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