I’ve been reflecting a lot in recent weeks about the experience of holding–holding someone (literally and/or emotionally), and allowing oneself to be held. Why is this so hard for so many of us?

It was the genius Erik Erikson who talked about that line from the traditional wedding vow–”to have and to hold”–and how it expresses a fundamental task of human development. In his writings, which were among the first building blocks of what’s now called ‘Object Relations’ theory, Erikson reflected on the human need to have and hold things–and to have and hold people. As a human being moves through the stages of life, two basic experiences are repeated again and again: saying ‘yes’ to others (having and holding), and saying ‘no’ to others (separating and rejecting). Both are essential.

(Do you wonder why the ability to separate and reject is essential? Think about what you should be able to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship.)

Often, in my work with couples, I see people strugging to hold the other person, even if the ‘holding’ in question is simply being emotionally present while the other person is expressing herself. And I see people struggling to allow themselves to be held. “I’m fine,” someone will say, brushing away tears and dropping eye contact. “No you’re not,” I sometimes say. And I (gently!) add, “You know you’re not. I know you’re not. Why do you think I have Kleenex in my office?!”

If you and your partner are going through a rough time–and even if tempers are high and trust is low–what would it be like for one of you to work on your holding skills? What would it be like to experiment with being more emotionally present to your partner, even if your partner has not earned your trust? It would be hard, I can tell you. But it would be a powerful way for you to grow and develop as a human being: even in situations where you’re not feeling safe, you’re better able to be more fully present, both to yourself and to the other person. And sometimes you may discover that the other person is actually not as frightening or untrustworthy as you thought: when you get better at holding and being held, the other person might notice this going on in you, begin to relax, and engage with you with more understanding, compassion, and honesty.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

I had a personal experience a while ago that I’d like to share with all you couples out there. I share it with you because anger–that wild, fantastic emotion!–can be such a problem for couples.

Not too long ago, we were having guests over for a Sunday lunch, and one of them started coming through the outer front door, opened the inner front door, and then turned back to call out to his partner to bring something in from the car. These guests know about our dogs, who are sweet, enthusiastic, and highly prone to escaping! But for some reason this particular guest forgot that we can’t just open wide both of our front doors unless we want to chase our dogs around the neighborhood in a terrified race to prevent them from running into the busy street just five doors to the north.

I hate to admit it, but I was enraged. What, what was he thinking?! Doesn’t he remember this? How could he be so insensitive?? Lucky for me, I didn’t express this anger to him. I made it to the bathroom in time. I ran to the bathroom because I managed to remember that when I fly into a rage, it’s probably not about the thing that’s making me angry. I entered the bathroom, closed the door, leaned wearily on the sink, and said this to myself:

“Sweetheart, where does it hurt?”

That’s right, call me crazy, but I sometimes address myself as “sweetheart.” It’s a small way for me to practice self-care. (Seriously.) I could also have said to myself, “Okay, asshole, why are you so pissed?” But I knew that below the anger was some kind of other pain, some other issue.

This time, the issue was terror. I don’t want to sound too neurotic, but I get very scared when our doors open and the dogs have a chance to escape. I read carefully (perhaps too carefully) all the descriptions of the Shiba Inu breed, and I’m something like the Director of Homeland Security around my house. I want it to be a stronghold! So when I sense a breach in the wall, I get scared, fast.

It turned out okay, of course. Our friend came in and closed the door, and the dogs were going crazy over our guests’ arrival, as they always do. There probably was never a real risk of escape given how enthusiastically they welcome any visitors. And after I identified what was really going on inside me, I was able to breathe, wash my face, breathe again, and return to the party. All in the space of about 60 seconds.

I offer this to couples because all too often couples get into big, explosive fights because one (or both) of them is just 60 seconds away from calming down and figuring out what’s really going on inside. The next time you’re feeling a surge of anger like this, give it a try: find a quiet place, take a breath, and ask your sweet self where it hurts.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It