I want to say more about my recommendation that you not over-focus on the question of whether or not to stay in your relationship. This is just another way to look at it, and to do this I’ll say a little bit about my own story:

A little over ten years ago, I started seeing someone. We moved through the usual stages or phases of an early relationship, with all the ups and downs you might expect, until in 2003 we, well, “tied the knot.” (Our marriage, alas, is not yet recognized by the state. But that’s another story.) Since 2003, we’ve continued to build our life together, making lots of decisions you’ll recognize in your own life and relationships: should we get a dog? (yes); should we get another dog? (yes); should we get another dog? (yes); should we have children? (no); should we live near either of our families in Arizona and Minnesota? (no)… and so on. This is life in a long-term committed relationship. And right now, as we close in on eleven years together and I prepare for my 40th birthday next month, I can tell you: I’m happy.

But—there have been some losses. Some of the decisions we made (and no, the list above is not exhaustive) didn’t go in the direction I wanted. Sometimes we’ve made decisions together that have led me to feel a deep pang of loss. “If I were on my own,” I’d tell myself, “I wouldn’t do this.” Often in my work with clients, people come to counseling bearing the wounds of these losses. Or they come with anticipatory anxiety about the losses they’ll suffer if they hook up with a person, or stay with a person.

And here’s my latest take on all of this. First, the losses you’ve suffered—and will suffer—are real, and they are painful. No question. I won’t insult you by trying to minimize what you’ll lose if you decide to go a certain way in your life, career, or relationship. You will lose something. And most often that loss will really sting. So… why do it? Here’s why (if you ask me). Whatever I’ve decided in my life—over the past ten years with my partner, and in the years before that—and whether or not I’ve been conscious of this, I have always wanted to be happy, to have delightful experiences, to join with another person in ecstatic union (sexual and otherwise), to laugh, to love, to be loved… in short, I’ve always wanted my life on this planet to be wonderful.

And now that I’m pushing 40 (and pushing it hard), I’m finding that whatever choices I make, whether they’re thought through and careful, whimsical and adventurous, or just plain stupid (!), I always have a shot at the happiness I want. If I had chosen differently ten years ago, six years ago, two years ago, or yesterday, I would not be with my partner right now, and that would have been a loss. Ten years ago, it would have been a lost opportunity. Yesterday or two years ago or six years ago, it would have been deeply sad and life-changing. But even then, I would have had a shot at the happiness I want, just as much as I do now, with my partner but without some of the things I’ve lost along the way while deciding to be with this one person.

So… it all comes down to this: if you’re deeply torn about what to do because you know that either choice is going to be painful, can you also see that, no matter what choice you make (even if it’s a, well, bonehead stupid one!), you can still find the happiness you want? After all, you’ll always have yourself, no matter what you choose. And you have a lot of say in what you do with yourself, no matter where you choose to take your life, and no matter where life takes you.

Does this open up the topic and clarify things a bit more? If not, I’d love to hear your comments and questions.

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Lots of people assume that listening is an important relationship skill, and they’re right. It is. But most of the time people think of listening in the traditional, narrow way: I listen well when I pay close attention to what another person is saying, and understand what they’re saying.

But truly good listening is more than that. Truly listening well to another person involves seeing the world through their eyes. This doesn’t mean you agree with them: your position on abortion, for example, might be different than mine. But if I can see your position on abortion through your eyes—that is, with an awareness of your unique perspective—then I can understand your position much better. You may have had an upsetting experience that shaped your views on abortion, or you may have been raised by a family that was grounded in a certain political or religious culture. I will understand you better—and truly listen to you—if I can see the world through that family ‘lens.’

Another good example is this: I strongly disagree with people who condemn homosexuality. I see their position as homophobic and harmful. And yet, even though I would never agree with them, I would do well to try to understand the bigger picture behind their opposing view. Some people are anti-gay, and yet they also are persons of conscience who genuinely want to be ethical and good. Can I see the world through their eyes? Can I see how their views on sexual orientation emerge from their own history, culture, and conscious discernment? Again, I need not agree with them. But if I can listen to them this deeply, I can open up a dialogue that can be healthy and enlightening for both of us.

I posted this in my Couples blog because it’s such a fundamental dimension of life in a relationship. Are you truly listening to your partner, whether or not you agree with her? Can you see the world through his eyes? What do you imagine it’s like to be your partner, to live in your partner’s body, to think with your partner’s mind, and to live with your partner’s personal history? If you can listen to your partner in this way, you are much more likely to cultivate a happy and nourishing life together.

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I’ve been reflecting a lot in recent weeks about the experience of holding–holding someone (literally and/or emotionally), and allowing oneself to be held. Why is this so hard for so many of us?

It was the genius Erik Erikson who talked about that line from the traditional wedding vow–”to have and to hold”–and how it expresses a fundamental task of human development. In his writings, which were among the first building blocks of what’s now called ‘Object Relations’ theory, Erikson reflected on the human need to have and hold things–and to have and hold people. As a human being moves through the stages of life, two basic experiences are repeated again and again: saying ‘yes’ to others (having and holding), and saying ‘no’ to others (separating and rejecting). Both are essential.

(Do you wonder why the ability to separate and reject is essential? Think about what you should be able to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship.)

Often, in my work with couples, I see people strugging to hold the other person, even if the ‘holding’ in question is simply being emotionally present while the other person is expressing herself. And I see people struggling to allow themselves to be held. “I’m fine,” someone will say, brushing away tears and dropping eye contact. “No you’re not,” I sometimes say. And I (gently!) add, “You know you’re not. I know you’re not. Why do you think I have Kleenex in my office?!”

If you and your partner are going through a rough time–and even if tempers are high and trust is low–what would it be like for one of you to work on your holding skills? What would it be like to experiment with being more emotionally present to your partner, even if your partner has not earned your trust? It would be hard, I can tell you. But it would be a powerful way for you to grow and develop as a human being: even in situations where you’re not feeling safe, you’re better able to be more fully present, both to yourself and to the other person. And sometimes you may discover that the other person is actually not as frightening or untrustworthy as you thought: when you get better at holding and being held, the other person might notice this going on in you, begin to relax, and engage with you with more understanding, compassion, and honesty.

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It’s been a while, so I want to link again to this list of relationship tips by John Gottman, a master therapist and researcher. He studied couples who reported that they were happy—he took their word for it—and discovered these insights. I think my two favorites are “Accept Influence” and “Have High Standards.” In my work with couples, I find that couples are happier when they listen to each other and respond non-defensively (“Accept Influence”), and when they have high expectations of one another. That’s right—high expectations. Often enough, people will say, “Maybe I’m just being unrealistic, and demanding too much of him.” And I think, no, the reverse is true. Gottman’s research shows that the happiest couples are the ones who expect very good relationships with lots of give and take, lots of love, and lots of exciting intimacy.

But there’s something to think about here. You may have high expectations of your partner and come to find out that your partner simply is not interested (or able) to meet them. If so, this is upsetting, and it could lead to the end of your relationship. If that’s the case, the problem is not that your expectations were too high. It’s just that you were looking to the wrong person to meet them. And here’s maybe the hardest part to understand and accept: your partner (or now-ex-partner) was not wrong or bad for not meeting your expectations. They are your expectations, and no one was put on earth to meet them. You just need to find someone who wants to strive with you to have the high-expectation, high-quality relationship you want.

Oh – and I’ll add this: your partner may have promised you something that s/he ended up not willing (or able) to deliver. If that’s the case, then it makes perfect sense if you’re feeling frustrated and resentful. But if that’s not the case, your best option would be to take ownership of your expectations, keep them high, and keep searching for someone who wants to have the happy adventure you long for.

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So, this happened.

Back in June I posted on the then-revelatory news that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford had had an affair (and a spectacular one, at that). And ever since then, I’ve felt increasingly uncomfortable with my June-09 take on the story. The hapless governor has looked worse and worse in my view. And it isn’t just the emails. It’s that after he disclosed his affair to his wife Jenny, he then asked for her permission to visit his lover. Maybe this is obvious, but that’s a no-no.

He never came to me for advice, but here’s how a better man (or woman) in that situation would handle it: 1) if you’re not planning to end it—or are at all ambivalent about ending it—tell your spouse about the affair; 2) if you can honestly say that you want to move in the direction of reviving your marriage (or bringing it to life for the first time), then by all means seek counseling; 3) stop telling the world about it and respect your spouse’s privacy, if not your own; 4) if you want to visit your lover, then visit her, but you’ll need to go back to step one and reconsider whether you really want to honor your spouse with a legitimate reconciliation process.

Since Gov. Sanford did none of these things, when I learned that his wife filed for divorce, I thought it was a good move. To borrow a line from one of my favorite therapists and authors, Mark Sanford forced Jenny Sanford to choose between her integrity and her marriage. I’m glad she chose wisely.

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Couples, don’t miss this question about picking up your partner from the airport. It’s one of those little couple interactions that can reveal a lot of wisdom (and problems) in your relationship. It’s a perfect example of small-time everyday situations that activate a couple’s relationship dynamic. Watch and learn!

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Is it wrong–or weak–to say “yes” when you don’t feel it? Your partner is sick of renting and wants to buy a condo with you, and you’re not sure you feel strongly enough about him to take that step. Your true answer is “maybe.” Should you say “yes”? Or your partner wants to get married–and move to Massachusetts so that it’s a state-sanctioned marriage–and you aren’t sure you really love her enough to make such a strong commitment. Your true answer is “no.” Should you say “yes”? Or how about this one: your partner wants a child, and you don’t. And for your partner, it’s a deal-breaker. Should you say “yes”?

Maybe.

There are times in a relationship when it’s best to assert yourself, to say “no” when “no” is the answer, to say “maybe” when you need more time. There are times when this self-assertion will lead to the end of the relationship, and even then, it’s the right choice… the right choice for you.

And then there are times when you discern that despite your preferences–and some of them are strong!!–you feel and think that you’d like to creatively say “yes.” Yes, I will move in with you. Yes, I will move to Massachusetts with you and set a wedding date. Yes, I will begin the process of becoming a parent with you. Of course the dilemma is, how do you decide when you’re “supposed to” assert yourself vs. when you’re “supposed to” accommodate your partner? I have a response to this.

You’ll get a lot closer to the answer if you consciously begin a process of discernment. I’m talking about self-discernment here–getting in touch with yourself. How do you do that? If you’re a journaling person, you start writing, and you return regularly to the journal to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. If you’re an athletic, outgoing person, you work out and then have coffee with a good friend. If you’re an introverted, contemplative person, you take time for silence and stillness, time to breathe, wait, and receive the wisdom you seek. And if you’re any of these kinds of people, you may find that doing something contrary to your instinct is also helpful. (The extravert might learn a lot on a walk by herself, and the introvert might receive good counsel from a friend.) If your partner wants you to make a significant change in the relationship for his/her sake, then it is not wrong–no, not at all!–for you to tell your partner that you need some amount of time for discernment. And then, if you’ve discerned what you think the answer is, go ahead and give your partner the answer.

And if the answer is “yes,” remember this (and remember it well!): you chose to say yes. Your partner did not force you to do so. You may say, “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” but if it doesn’t work out or you find that you’re miserable in your new situation, it’s important for you to see how you yourself made this choice. At the same time, it also helps if your partner understands and respects the process you’ve gone through, and it’s okay for you to ask your partner for this. “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” you might say, and then add, “and I ask you to be patient with my ambivalence about it. I am actively choosing to say yes, but I’m also asking for your patience as I live into this decision.”

In the end, whatever decision you make, it’s not the wrong one. Even if it leads to suffering and upheaval in your life, it is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about your partner, and about the mystery of relationships–the mystery of two persons drawing close together in a dynamic, sometimes scary, and unpredictable adventure.

If you say yes, I encourage you to do it this way–to creatively say “yes,” and then, as your future unfolds, keep discerning!

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Couples, I’m cross-posting this from my “You” blog because it uses an example from the world of relationships to unpack the concept of selfishness. Check it out!

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You probably know at least one person in your life who has said, “He brings out the worst in me,” or “We bring out the worst in each other.” It’s a common belief–that certain people touch a nerve in you, or they get under your skin, and you find yourself misbehaving in your relationship with them. It’s easy to put the responsibility for your own behavior on them. It’s not that you bring out the worst in yourself, it’s that the other person brings it out in you.

It won’t surprise you that I don’t want you to get away with this! Instead of saying, “She brings out the worst in me,” ask yourself these questions: “In my relationship, what do I want to bring out of myself? What am I bringing out now? And what needs to change?” I know–easier said than done. But even if you simply change your perspective about this–if you just start to take responsibility for your own behaviors, reactions, beliefs, and feelings–that alone will make a positive difference in your relationship.

Try it out. Let’s say your partner prefers to talk through every problem, and you’re the quiet type. Your partner sometimes drives you crazy, right? You’re thinking, “All the talking, all the time…why can’t we just not talk for a minute?! Ugh!” And soon you find yourself flying off the handle and fighting with your partner. And then the thought comes into your head: “He brings out the worst in me!” Now, step back. Remind yourself that you are in control of your own life, and responsible for your own behaviors, your own reactions, your own thoughts and feelings. Your partner is more verbal than you. Sometimes this is annoying. (And this is one of those times!) Ask yourself, “What do I want to bring out of myself right now? I’m different than my partner. What do I need to do to honor my own difference, my own preferences?”

You then may want to go to your partner and say something like, “I know you want to talk about this. I need to not do that right now. I want to talk about it this afternoon.” Your partner may react badly to this, but if it’s coming from the best in you–from the part of you that you want to bring out in your relationship–then your partner at some point will sense that you’re taking care of yourself, and give you the time and space you asked for.

What do you want to bring out of yourself?

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Lately I’ve been trying out a new way of helping people stop being reactive, resentful, and defensive when they see that their partner is not doing what they want, or being who they want their partner to be. It’s natural to feel this way when your partner does not show interest in the things you like to do, or just seems to be pulling away from you.

Let’s say you have a vision for yourself and your partner: you want a partner who travels with you, or tries new activities, or (to turn up the intensity a bit) has a particular sexual relationship with you. And you see that right now, your partner isn’t with you, isn’t saying “yes” to your vision. (Or is even saying “no,” and sharply!) Here’s my new metaphor for the problem. (Let me know what you think!) Imagine that you work in marketing for Starbucks, and you’re on a break, relaxing in a park, watching people come and go. And then you notice that someone just walked by with a Tully’s coffee cup. You’re responsible for marketing at Starbucks, and right here in front of you is a person choosing the other guy’s product. What would you do? It probably wouldn’t occur to you to be resentful. If you’re any good at your job, you know–and you accept–that many hundreds of thousands of people are not going to buy your product. You might be so put-together about this reality that you barely react at all to that Tully’s coffee cup.

But in personal relationships, it’s different. In personal relationships, it’s easy to get bent out of shape: my partner isn’t buying my “product”! If your product is a new habit of hiking on weekends, or a new practice of having a nice dinner at the table once a week, or a new sexual method–whatever your “product” is, your partner is resisting. Your partner is choosing Tully’s instead. If so, try to think like that Starbucks marketing manager. Try to detach yourself from your partner’s choices. Right now, your partner hasn’t said “yes” to your new idea. And if you’re feeling resentful, that means you skipped over the part where you remind yourself that your partner doesn’t need to say “yes” to anything. Your partner is a free, independent adult.

So if your partner is holding a Tully’s coffee cup, and you want to take the relationship in a Starbucks direction, ask yourself: am I excited enough about what I want us to do that I’m willing to push past my own resentment and “make the sale” with my partner? And if not–if I’m not that excited, not that motivated, not that willing to make the sale–then why does it surprise me that my partner is not buying it?

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