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Creatively saying “yes,” when what you want is “no,” or “maybe”
Is it wrong–or weak–to say “yes” when you don’t feel it? Your partner is sick of renting and wants to buy a condo with you, and you’re not sure you feel strongly enough about him to take that step. Your true answer is “maybe.” Should you say “yes”? Or your partner wants to get married–and move to Massachusetts so that it’s a state-sanctioned marriage–and you aren’t sure you really love her enough to make such a strong commitment. Your true answer is “no.” Should you say “yes”? Or how about this one: your partner wants a child, and you don’t. And for your partner, it’s a deal-breaker. Should you say “yes”?
Maybe.
There are times in a relationship when it’s best to assert yourself, to say “no” when “no” is the answer, to say “maybe” when you need more time. There are times when this self-assertion will lead to the end of the relationship, and even then, it’s the right choice… the right choice for you.
And then there are times when you discern that despite your preferences–and some of them are strong!!–you feel and think that you’d like to creatively say “yes.” Yes, I will move in with you. Yes, I will move to Massachusetts with you and set a wedding date. Yes, I will begin the process of becoming a parent with you. Of course the dilemma is, how do you decide when you’re “supposed to” assert yourself vs. when you’re “supposed to” accommodate your partner? I have a response to this.
You’ll get a lot closer to the answer if you consciously begin a process of discernment. I’m talking about self-discernment here–getting in touch with yourself. How do you do that? If you’re a journaling person, you start writing, and you return regularly to the journal to get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. If you’re an athletic, outgoing person, you work out and then have coffee with a good friend. If you’re an introverted, contemplative person, you take time for silence and stillness, time to breathe, wait, and receive the wisdom you seek. And if you’re any of these kinds of people, you may find that doing something contrary to your instinct is also helpful. (The extravert might learn a lot on a walk by herself, and the introvert might receive good counsel from a friend.) If your partner wants you to make a significant change in the relationship for his/her sake, then it is not wrong–no, not at all!–for you to tell your partner that you need some amount of time for discernment. And then, if you’ve discerned what you think the answer is, go ahead and give your partner the answer.
And if the answer is “yes,” remember this (and remember it well!): you chose to say yes. Your partner did not force you to do so. You may say, “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” but if it doesn’t work out or you find that you’re miserable in your new situation, it’s important for you to see how you yourself made this choice. At the same time, it also helps if your partner understands and respects the process you’ve gone through, and it’s okay for you to ask your partner for this. “Yes, I’ll move in with you,” you might say, and then add, “and I ask you to be patient with my ambivalence about it. I am actively choosing to say yes, but I’m also asking for your patience as I live into this decision.”
In the end, whatever decision you make, it’s not the wrong one. Even if it leads to suffering and upheaval in your life, it is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about your partner, and about the mystery of relationships–the mystery of two persons drawing close together in a dynamic, sometimes scary, and unpredictable adventure.
If you say yes, I encourage you to do it this way–to creatively say “yes,” and then, as your future unfolds, keep discerning!
