I just saw this post from three days ago on the Stranger website. I’m not an avid reader of Dan Savage, but I’ve read him over the years and enjoyed his appearances on the national stage. But I have some quarrels with his take on monogamy, non-monogamy, and what’s “natural” and “unnatural.”

First, just so you know I get the joke (if it is a joke), I wouldn’t be surprised if Savage was just being provocative and sarcastic when he said monogamy is “unnatural.” After all, the people he tends to criticize are the people who love to separate “natural” human behaviors (such as, say, heterosexual missionary-style sex) from “unnatural” human behaviors (every other kind of sexual act, particularly if both participants share the same gender). Since I don’t read Savage too much, I’m happy to give him the benefit of the doubt. But on the chance that he’s being serious—that he truly holds to the view that long-term monogamous relationships are “unnatural” for humans, I would only say that he needs to clarify from what perspective he is stating this opinion. Is he reasoning as a sociologist or an anthropologist? I doubt it. And if not, then he’s just making a claim based on his own values and experience, and his label “unnatural” is, for the purposes of any serious debate, nonsensical.

Okay, that was pretty wordy, and probably sounded snarky. Sorry. But I have a button that Savage pushed: I think people should speak from their area of expertise. If you’re a theologian, I don’t want you telling me your theory of the origin of the species. That’s a biologist’s job. You might have opinions about these things, but that’s all they are—opinions. And if you’re a biologist, I don’t think you’re an expert on the existential dilemmas of the human race, or the meaning of death, or the purpose of life. You might have opinions about these things, but that’s all they are—opinions.

But back to Savage’s theme, which was his contention that non-monogamous relationships are superior to monogamous ones. Speaking from my area of expertise—I am a couples therapist—I disagree. I think all forms of coupling carry both gifts and challenges. If you’re in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship, you have the freedom to explore your sexuality with multiple partners, fill your days and years with a variety of romantic companions, and resolve the typical relationship problems (boredom, low desire, conflict, anxiety) by involving others in the dynamic. But you are also vulnerable to the challenges non-monogamous relationships raise, such as jealousy, complicated triangulation, and an increased chance that no one will become as emotionally intimate with each other as they would if they were in a one-on-one relationship.

But if you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s not a day at the park, either. You have the gifts of a one-on-one union, and for me the greatest gift of monogamy is the incredible (and incredibly difficult) transformation and maturity that happens when you really work on drawing closer emotionally (and physically) to one other person. If Savage thinks monogamy is “unnatural” because of the divorce rate, or boredom, or diminishing sexual satisfaction in the monogamous relationships he has known in his research and personal life, I see these problems as the challenges of monagamy, not evidence that it is inferior to other relationship arrangements. Savage seems to be making a common mistake: he sees problems and challenges as evidence that a relationship arrangement is flawed. I see them as part of the normal developmental process. Sometimes the problems and challenges are the very things we need to grow, develop, and find happiness together.

If Savage is upset with “monoganazis” who insist that their way is best, he would do well to avoid their methods of separating everyone into groups labeled “natural” and “unnatural.” I’ll say it this way: if you’re in a relationship, it’s going to be lovely, thrilling, hard, frustrating, and sometimes just plain boring. All of this is natural. All of this is normal. Let’s keep everyone in one group of natural, normal humans who are participating in the mystery of relationships.

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