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Elizabeth Edwards: I disagree
I should say first of all that I admire and respect Elizabeth Edwards. She’s bright, sensitive, reflective, and funny. That’s four gold stars in her favor! I’ve even blogged about her. But lately I’ve been concerned about her. In fact, I disagree with some of the things she has said (and written) of late. The newsmagazine Time recently published an excerpt of Edwards’s latest book, “Resilience,” and in the excerpt she was writing about her husband’s affair, her own cancer diagnosis, and all the emotional upheaval her marriage has endured. At one point she said that because of her cancer diagnosis, it was she, not he, who “needed a selfless partner.”
Whoa. Back up.
First, let me say this: John Edwards was behaving like a cad. According to the standards of his own marriage, he should not have slept with Rielle Hunter. He’s right to say that he was behaving like a narcissist, and he was betraying his wife. Not good. Seriously. But–and again, I like Elizabeth Edwards!–if you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer, that does not mean that you alone get to be the partner in your marriage who deserves a “selfless partner.” It’s reasonable for you to expect that your partner will not step out on you–and it makes perfect sense if you’re upset with your partner for doing just that–but even if you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness, your marriage continues to unfold as a union of two full-grown adults, two people who have chosen to draw close to one another in a lasting bond of intimacy and commitment. This means that even though you’re sick, the ethics of your union call you to be mindful of your spouse’s needs, even if there’s nothing you can do–or should do–about them.
I know this might be hard to hear, but I should say that I write it as someone who knows a person who died of cancer. Though I haven’t dealt with terminal illness in my own committed relationship, I know a couple who dealt with this, and I’m here to tell you that it’s important that couples face these crises in this way. As poignant and upsetting as cancer can be, it does not excuse you from the ethical dimensions of your relationship.
