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Storytelling 101
Let’s talk about stories.
First, imagine the front page of the Seattle Times. On that page there are many stories. Stories about city government, crime, the environment, national politics, sports, weather. We assume that these stories are “true” stories, or “objective” stories.
Now, imagine the children’s section of a bookstore. On those shelves there are many stories. Stories about animals, adventures, grief, family, courage, wizardry. We assume that these stories are fictional, that is, not “true” or “objective.”
Finally, imagine your relationship as a collection of stories, written and told by two people (you and your partner). Both of you have your favorites. Let’s say you have a story like this: your partner spends most of her time at work and hanging out with friends, and that’s because she doesn’t care about you. Or your partner has a story like this: you’re always telling him what to do, and that means you don’t respect him.
Stories are everywhere in all three of these scenarios–the front page, the children’s section, and your relationship. And in all three scenarios, the stories are both true and fictional, objective and subjective. First, the newspaper: there are a lot of facts on the front page, no doubt. If the article said it was 103 degrees in Seattle last week, that’s because someone checked the thermometer at the airport. (And it’s because if you were anywhere near Seattle last week, you know it was wicked hot.) But there is some fiction, too, or at least some subjectivity, in this story. The editor decided that it was important enough for page one. How did she decide that? She probably used a combination of reason, experience, and emotions to make this decision. The writer decided to tell the story in a certain way. How did he decide that? He used his own writing skills, experience, and emotions to craft the article. Perhaps a photo editor found a picture that told the story in another way, and she set that picture next to the written story. Once again, though we’re dealing with lots of facts, there’s a lot of storytelling going on here. Subjective storytelling actually helps in journalism: without it, there can be no journalism, and the storytelling helps us find deeper truth and meaning about the subject we’re discussing.
And if you’ve ever read a children’s book, you know that there’s a lot of truth in the good ones. They may be low on facts–if you understand “facts” as “things that actually happened.” But they are rich with wisdom, truth, insight, and creativity. They speak to the deepest dimensions of our humanity. They draw us outward and upward into ultimate reality, ultimate meaning. Children’s books can be storytelling at its best. (Or so I say–that’s one of my stories!)
Finally, let’s look at the stories in your relationship. If you’re like most people, you assume that your stories are true, plain and simple. My partner doesn’t respect me. My partner doesn’t care about me. If these stories ring true for you, they probably ring pretty loud. And that’s because you’ve probably got lots of “facts” to back them up–things that happened that tell you point-blank that this story is true.
But as truthful as your story sounds, it is just a story. And like all stories, there’s a lot of writing and editing going on. You’re using your reason, experience, and emotions to tell yourself a story about your partner. There’s probably a lot of truth in the story–truthful beliefs, good insights, keen observations–but it is still just a story. And you may be incorrect on many of the particulars.
I mention all of this because there’s a really good way for you to reduce your suffering by looking at your relationship as a collection of stories. Instead of confronting your partner with your story and presenting it as objective reality, try this: 1) use feeling words (mad, sad, glad, afraid, frustrated, worried, upset, etc.) to tell your partner what your current feeling state is; then 2) tell your partner what your story is–the story that is causing your current feelings (not “you make me feel upset because…” but rather “I feel upset because I have a story about you that goes like this…”); finally, 3) invite your partner to tell you his/her story (not “so what do you have to say for yourself?!” but rather “I’d like to know how you see this situation, what story you’re telling yourself about it”).
If you can look at your take on your partner as a collection of stories, it’s easier for you to unhook yourself emotionally from those stories. It’s easier for you to be flexible with them, examine them, turn them over in your mind, present them to your partner, and invite a dialogue with your partner that leads to new (and better) storytelling.
