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“Sweetheart, where does it hurt?”
I had a personal experience a while ago that I’d like to share with all you couples out there. I share it with you because anger–that wild, fantastic emotion!–can be such a problem for couples.
Not too long ago, we were having guests over for a Sunday lunch, and one of them started coming through the outer front door, opened the inner front door, and then turned back to call out to his partner to bring something in from the car. These guests know about our dogs, who are sweet, enthusiastic, and highly prone to escaping! But for some reason this particular guest forgot that we can’t just open wide both of our front doors unless we want to chase our dogs around the neighborhood in a terrified race to prevent them from running into the busy street just five doors to the north.
I hate to admit it, but I was enraged. What, what was he thinking?! Doesn’t he remember this? How could he be so insensitive?? Lucky for me, I didn’t express this anger to him. I made it to the bathroom in time. I ran to the bathroom because I managed to remember that when I fly into a rage, it’s probably not about the thing that’s making me angry. I entered the bathroom, closed the door, leaned wearily on the sink, and said this to myself:
“Sweetheart, where does it hurt?”
That’s right, call me crazy, but I sometimes address myself as “sweetheart.” It’s a small way for me to practice self-care. (Seriously.) I could also have said to myself, “Okay, asshole, why are you so pissed?” But I knew that below the anger was some kind of other pain, some other issue.
This time, the issue was terror. I don’t want to sound too neurotic, but I get very scared when our doors open and the dogs have a chance to escape. I read carefully (perhaps too carefully) all the descriptions of the Shiba Inu breed, and I’m something like the Director of Homeland Security around my house. I want it to be a stronghold! So when I sense a breach in the wall, I get scared, fast.
It turned out okay, of course. Our friend came in and closed the door, and the dogs were going crazy over our guests’ arrival, as they always do. There probably was never a real risk of escape given how enthusiastically they welcome any visitors. And after I identified what was really going on inside me, I was able to breathe, wash my face, breathe again, and return to the party. All in the space of about 60 seconds.
I offer this to couples because all too often couples get into big, explosive fights because one (or both) of them is just 60 seconds away from calming down and figuring out what’s really going on inside. The next time you’re feeling a surge of anger like this, give it a try: find a quiet place, take a breath, and ask your sweet self where it hurts.
