Dear Stephen,

I met my boyfriend two years ago. He was in a five-year relationship with another woman when we met. I was single/divorced for well over ten years. Having been tangled with a married man before, one of my first questions to him was, “Are you married?” to which he honestly replied “No,” but he did not tell me he was in a five-year relationship living with a woman with whom he had had a child. He also had an affair with this woman while he was married to his first (and only) wife of over 20+ years. He has since left the mother of his five-year-old son and is now with me. He says he will never remarry. I, on the other hand, do want to marry again, but I now find it hard to leave because my four-year-old daughter is attached to him and I don’t want to be one of those women who brings different men into their children’s lives. He is not fully committed and says I don’t say Those Three Words…I don’t believe in them, but I’m here. What is your take?

–Looking for Mr. Commitment

Dear Commitment,

I presume by “Those Three Words” you mean “I love you,” and that you haven’t been able to say this to him because of the back-and-forth you two have done around the issues of marriage, truth-telling (or lack thereof), and past pain you’ve suffered…or present pain you’re suffering as you try to puzzle out who your boyfriend is, what he wants, and whether you have a future together.

I don’t know you, so I may be wrong, but it sounds like you don’t want to leave him for reasons other than (or at least in addition to) your concerns about your daughter. I agree that it can be stressful for a child to adjust to a revolving door of mom’s boyfriends, but you haven’t said this is what you’re doing—you’re citing only this one example where you’re concerned that this isn’t the right guy for you. Unless you really think you have a bad habit of dating lots of different guys who bond with your daughter only to break her heart, I’d say your concerns about your daughter are misplaced: she’ll adjust quickly to the change, if breaking up with this man is the right choice for you. She’ll adjust even more quickly if you are taking full ownership of the decision and explain clearly to her that he’s a friend, but no longer a special friend.

As for him not wanting to marry, that’s a perfectly reasonable choice. Lots of people choose not to marry. Some of the best people I know are single, and plan to remain so. But he’s in a relationship with you now, and you are interested in marriage…so interested, in fact, that you’re debating breaking up over the issue. It’s time to tell him exactly what goals, plans, and dreams you have for yourself. You might lose him, and your daughter may have to adjust to that, but if you’re stating clearly—to yourself, to him, and to your daughter—who you are and what you want, then everyone (especially you yourself!) will feel better and know what to do, even if the first few steps are sad or painful.

–Stephen

P.S. His decision not to tell you about the woman he was living with—the woman with whom he had an affair—is a highly significant omission. Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, I encourage you to address this with him, preferably with a counselor’s help. Knowing your partner deeply and broadly is a basic component of a happy relationship. He shouldn’t have kept that from you, and his choice to do so is a significant concern.

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Dear Stephen,

I am writing to ask your advice on being a partner to a transgendered person. My partner is a biowoman, and most of the time, dresses in “women’s” clothing, she has a “woman’s” haircut, uses female pronouns to refer to herself, and identifies sexually as a woman. However, she considers herself transgendered because she likes to wear pants and polo shirts, and do “manly” things that women don’t do. Therefore, she does not see herself fitting into the category of “woman.” I disagree with her on this count because I think that women can do all of the things she does and still be very much women. I myself do everything she does, sometimes in a skirt, sometimes in pants, and it has always been important to me that I do those things as a woman. It seems to me that she is buying into a highly limited view of what it means to be a woman that mostly involves being dainty, pretty, and not doing anything too strenuous. I am not sure that we will never agree on this one.

Aside from that, however, it is important to me to be supportive and accepting of her identity. I love her very much and this is an important part of who she is. I’ve read Judith Butler and Riki Wilchins, I’ve seen presentations, and talked with leaders in the transgendered community. But none of that makes it any easier to feel like I’m walking beside my partner when she puts on her binder and tells me that today she feels “manly.” To be honest, I am scared that she will wake up one morning and decide that she is not transgendered, but transsexual and I don’t know what I would do. I’d like to say that I would still love her and we would make our relationship work but I don’t think that is true. I do not want to be with a man, I want to be with a woman and I don’t know if I could have the same relationship with a man, even if he were a transman. I spent enough time dating men I wanted nothing to do with, and I don’t want to be pulled back into that place. She assures me that she is not transsexual, and I believe her, but I know that part of the journey is that people change and there’s no guarantee that she will not discover later than she is transsexual.

When she says that she feels “dykey” I want to be able to see her in that as much as she sees herself. When she wears a binder and men’s clothes, I want to feel like it’s her walking in the door and not a stranger. I have tried, but I’m out of ideas. I am sure that this is hard for me because I’m limiting myself in some way, but I can’t figure out how to get around it. So, I’m asking you: how do I let go of what I want my partner to be, and learn to see her in all of her forms?

Sincerely,

Blinded by Appearances

P.S. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for using female pronouns in your writing. It is not very common and I very much appreciate the inclusiveness.

Dear Blinded,

Thanks for your question, and you’re certainly welcome re: the female pronouns! One question I have for your partner is whether she also has consulted with anyone who identifies as a person in the transgender community. It sounds like you have done some research and discernment, whereas she has not. (And I might be mistaken about that, of course!) It might be a good idea for you both to speak to someone who can contextualize your partner’s experience and offer both of you advice from her/his transgender background. It’s possible that your partner is so earnest about breaking gender stereotypes that s/he truly does not identify fully with one gender orientation. If so, then it’s not a foregone conclusion that s/he will soon seek a full biological and socio-psychological transition. Either way, it’s only ethical for her to acknowledge your concerns and seek further advice and support for both of you. Since this issue is so deeply personal for her, and also has such a huge potential impact on you, it’s best if s/he takes your concerns seriously, and solicits the support you both need to discern what’s next for your relationship.

I hope this helps, and look forward to further communication from you if you have more questions. Take good care,

Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

Seven years ago my wife and I decided to get married and keep it a secret until we could have a proper wedding. However, I have a big mouth and it slipped out a few weeks later that we had gotten married. About six months later, I moved far away to be with my bride, and we see family about once a year. We haven’t been able to pull the money together to have that wedding, and our financial situation doesn’t allow us to plan one just yet. But I digress. My family is aware of our wedding date, but it seems that every year I have to remind them. It’s important to me that I’m married, and it hurts me that they cannot remember. This year I reminded my father subtly over the phone about a week before our anniversary, and then I sent my mother an email the day before to remind her, and asked her to call my wife on the day. She thanked me for reminding her and sent us an (ugh) e-card. My sister, who is in the process of planning her own wedding in November, completely forgot it. I can’t help but be upset, and I’m wondering if we have a right to be upset, given that we eloped. Thanks for your help.

—Quebec

Dear Quebec,

It might be a good idea to assume that your family is not intentionally ignoring your anniversary, but are simply not remembering it because they weren’t a part of the original event. Alternatively, as they move through the calendar of birthdays and anniversaries, they may simply not see it as one that you want commemorated, given that you eloped, which is a very private way to celebrate a marriage. Even if they are consciously expressing anger about your decision to elope, you may want to see this as understandable, even if it’s painful for you. You left them out of your special day: isn’t it reasonable that they might have some negative feelings about that?

I think the solution is to call them together—or meet with them one-on-one, which is also fine—and simply tell them that, though you decided to elope, you now want your family to be more involved in the annual celebration of your marriage. Tell them that you understand if they felt (or still feel) hurt by your decision to elope, and you’d be happy to listen if they’d like to share their feelings with you. And then tell them that you’re hoping to plan a modest, affordable celebration soon that officially welcomes everyone into your married life without busting your budget. In my opinion, it’s better to blow a bundle on a major anniversary, rather than the initial wedding: if you make it through 10, 20, or 25 years and still feel happy together, now that’s a cause for expensive celebration!

—Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

My partner and I have been together for three years, and I’m worried that I’ve just about had enough. About a year ago, I got to know a new co-worker who became a good, close friend. Like me, he’s a gay man in a committed relationship. We have lunch together most days, and for a while we’d talk on the phone in the evening. I’ve stopped the phone calls, though, because my partner goes crazy when he finds out I’m communicating with my friend. I’ve never cheated on him, but he was hurt by someone in a previous relationship, and he says it’s “not natural” for two gay guys to be such close friends, and even if it is, it’s “inevitable” that we’ll end up together. My friend is interesting and attractive, but I can’t convince my partner that he has nothing to worry about. I don’t feel a romantic connection with my friend. And I’m not that guy. I’m not the guy who betrays someone he loves.

My partner has now started checking up on me. He got on my laptop and checked my emails, and when I confronted him with it he was defensive and angry, saying that he has to protect himself, so he’s justified in invading my privacy. He calls me and texts me dozens of times a day, asking where I am. I always tell him, but I’ve asked him to stop this and told him that if he doesn’t trust me, then I don’t know how we can make this work. That just makes him freak out even more. I don’t want to break up with him—I really do love him. But I can’t think of anything else to do at this point.

—Trustworthy, and Frustrated

Dear Trustworthy,

Your situation is a perfect example of a relationship that looks unbalanced: one person looks sane, the other looks neurotic. It sounds like your partner doesn’t know that his behavior is the surest way to drive you out of his life. But this isn’t the whole story. There are things you’re doing, and, more importantly, not doing that are supporting your partner’s unhealthy behavior. Here are some questions you’d do well to ask yourself:

First, if you’re actually trustworthy, then why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you? If you’re a good guy, why be with someone who thinks you’re a villain? People stay in unhappy relationships for lots of reasons—a sense of duty, to meet practical needs (like a shared mortgage), beliefs about love and commitment, inertia—but I’ll guess one of your big reasons for staying with your partner is that you’re afraid to step away from him. You’re afraid to say, “Bill, I love you, but I can’t be your partner if you don’t trust me to be faithful to you. We either need to work on this together, or we need to end the relationship.” You know that he’d freak out if you said this, but my bigger concern is that you also would freak out: you’d lose your nerve, or get pulled into a big fight, and then you’d both return to the status quo.

Second, if you’re actually trustworthy, why do you go along with your partner’s vigilant monitoring of you every day? This is really the same question as the one above, but on a smaller level. The Big Choice you could make is to tell your partner truthfully that either his behavior changes, or the relationship ends. Smaller choices—choices that put you on the path toward health and happiness, whether or not the relationship survives—are choices like not responding to his anxious texts, setting clear limits in your daily routine, and calmly letting him know that you’re tired of reporting to a probation officer for a crime you didn’t commit. Would your partner then break up with you? Maybe, but if so, that would probably be a good development in your life. If your partner responds in a healthy way, and the two of you finally begin to rebuild trust in your relationship, that would be great, but even then, your partner’s initial response to your limit-setting will probably be negative.

Third—and I know this is a very different way to look at this!—does your partner have a point? Lunch and phone calls every day with an attractive man who spends every workday with you? I can take you at your word that you’re not betraying your partner, and I have many close friends with whom I spend a lot of time each week, but is it possible that you’re giving this co-worker the time and attention you used to give to your partner? Are you straying from your partner, and, to use a strong word, abandoning your partner in a way that isn’t full-blown betrayal but nonetheless is quite significant? Maybe your partner needs to work on jealousy and hypervigilant behavior, but maybe you need to work on what you really want in your relationship, and whether you’re really being honest with yourself and your partner about that.

Through all of this, I hope you can see how your own fears are as much a barrier to your health and happiness as your partner’s behavior. Think of it this way: your partner, by behaving badly, is unconsciously (and unintentionally) challenging you to face your own fears and hang-ups. See it as your problem, and your own opportunity for self-development. You might lose the relationship, you might not. Either way, it’s a step forward in your own growth.

—Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I don’t know if you see people for depression. Maybe you only work with couples. But I’ve been feeling down for a long time now, and I don’t really have a good reason. My life is okay. I have a job, and I’m in a good relationship, and I really don’t have a lot to worry about. I know I could lose some weight, but I’ve even gotten to a better place on that issue, even though my mother did her best to shame me into the cycle of dieting that so many of my friends have also been caught in. I just feel – blah. And it’s springtime, which is usually a decent time of year for me. A friend told me I should try an antidepressant. What do you think?

Mysteriously Sad

Dear Mysteriously,

I’m glad to hear that your life is going fairly well, even if your emotions aren’t a good match for your life circumstances. (And yes, I do work with individuals, and sometimes we work on depression. Other times, anxiety, or relationship concerns, or whatever else is bothering the person.)

I worked for several years in various behavioral-health organizations, and I still appreciate the wisdom about medication that I learned at Group Health, where I was a therapist from 2004-2007. At Group Health, clients are encouraged to talk to a counselor and see in that face-to-face meeting whether medication is a good option for them. Some people have a big problem with medications, and in those situations, it’s probably better not to go in that direction and stick with counseling alone. Other times, a person is open to trying a medication, and they start a small dose (for example, 10 mg of Prozac per day) and see how things go for a few weeks.

I haven’t met you, so it would be unethical for me to state unequivocally what you should do. But from what you’ve told me, you sound like someone who might want to explore this question with your physician, or with a counselor. I personally try not to be a hard-liner in either direction: for some people, medications are essential, and for others, medications are not appropriate. In most cases, meds are most effective when combined with counseling.

One final note: I wouldn’t want anyone to ‘medicate away’ their sad feelings if the feelings are related to something that’s weighing on your heart and begs to be dealt with. Your life is going well right now, but is it possible that you feel down because it could actually be going much better? Or is there a loss you suffered a while back that you’re only now beginning to wrestle with? I encourage you to seek a counselor who can help you sort some of these issues out, and then address your question about medications.

Take good care!

Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I’ve been nosing around for a counselor recently and came across your blogs. I like what you’ve had to say and thought I’d give it a try: my girlfriend and I have been together about seven months and things are going well. We have, however, struggled to come out as a (lesbian) couple. She has been out for years. I am have only begun the “coming out process,” as she calls it. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of what my family and friends will think; that we will be harassed in public; that my work associates will not associate with me, etc. There are also people I love and respect deeply that I have not told yet. We live in a widely interconnected community and I’m afraid those people will hear through the grapevine and lose respect for me because I do not have the strength yet to tell them in person. Her openness and my fear has led to several conflicts: twice we have been invited to dinner at someone’s house as a couple, on multiple occasions she has introduced me as her girlfriend to complete strangers, brought her parents over to meet me, and now she wants me to spend a weekend at her parents’ home. All without my knowledge or permission. I want to be an active part of her life, but I feel uncomfortable in many of these situations. I have tried to pluck up my courage and be “loud and proud”, and she has tried to be understanding, but I just can’t do it. When these situations pop up, I get anxious and snap at her, or withdraw. This has become a bone of contention between us; I think she feels stifled by me, and I feel exposed by her. How do I navigate these situations while still being respectful of both our positions?

Sincerely,

Peeking out the closet door

Dear Peeking,

I think the best way to look at your dilemma is this: neither of you was put on earth to be the ideal partner for the other. So…either of you could decide (with good reason) that you’d rather be with someone else, someone who is a better fit. And…either of you could decide (with good reason) that you could grow and change in the direction of the other: she could appreciate your need for discretion and boundaries, and she could get in touch with the notion that people who are in a different place in the coming-out process deserve patience and support. This could be a way for her to become a more supportive, sensitive, and gracious person.

Or you could appreciate her courage, and see her “out and proud” approach to her sexual orientation as something worth emulating. This could be a way for you to become a more confident, daring, and forceful person. In both cases, the person who soaks up the life experience and wisdom of the other person will enjoy the learning and growth that results from such an effort.

I see gifts and benefits to both choices: it’s great (even exhilarating) to be “out and proud,” and it’s also great (and wise) to be discreet and quiet about one’s own life. And in your particular case, I don’t doubt that your instinct for self-preservation serves you well: it’s likely that you’re right about the harsh reactions you might suffer from certain people in your life if they learn that you are a lesbian. At some point, it would be great if they came around, but for now, who am I to say that you’re wrong to be cautious? But I’ll also say this: think about the possibility that your friend (or girlfriend, or partner, or spouse, or just friend? who knows for sure just yet?!) has some wisdom to offer you. She’s more pushy than you are, and perhaps less considerate, less sensitive. But she could be in your life right now to teach you that you’re ready to take the next step in your own development as a sexual being…or simply as a human being.

Take some time to reflect on this, and take good care—

Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I just found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, even though we’ve had what I thought was a non-open (that means closed!) relationship. I’m pretty upset about it…just the fact that he stepped out once was hard to hear, and then I found out that he’s also very into porn, and has been with lots of different guys over the course of our relationship. I don’t know if we’re going to make it, but I’m also really concerned about him and wonder if he needs an intervention or something. Is he a sex addict?

–Concerned and Upset

Dear Concerned,

I can’t tell you what’s going on with your boyfriend himself, since I haven’t met him, much less assessed what’s going on with him, but I can tell you my thoughts on sex addiction. First, you should know that the jury is still out on the question of whether “sex addiction” is a useful and ethical way to describe a person’s sexual problem. You are likely to find therapists and other medical professionals in your community who use the disease model of addiction to describe a person’s out-of-control sexual behaviors and habits, but you’ll also find therapists like me who won’t go that far. (For what it’s worth, the primary diagnostic manual in the field of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy–the DSM–is not considering “sex addiction” as an additional disorder in its next edition. There is simply not enough consensus about this in the field to warrant its inclusion in the official listing of ‘disorders.’)

There are problems with using a disease/addiction model when talking about a person’s sexuality. Unlike external substances like alcohol and drugs, sex is something that is fully integrated into our physical being. It’s a fundamental dimension of human sensation, human relationships, and human experience. It’s how we propogate the species, and it’s simply a major part of a natural human life on earth. If your boyfriend were thinking about joining a celibate religious order, he might want to discern with his superiors whether he truly wants to live a life in which his sexual behavior is highly constrained. But–and I think it’s safe to guess that he’s not interested in that!–outside of a context like that, his use of the addiction model to change his sexual behavior will have its limits. Unlike an alcoholic, your boyfriend would be striving for a sex life in which sex happens–perhaps on a daily basis–but happens in a context that is, in his own opinion, life-giving and healthy.

Having said that, the addiction model offers wisdom up to a point … wisdom that a person who believes s/he has sexual-behavior problems might like to know. For example, it might be helpful for that person to identify triggers of problematic behavior, or social contexts where it’s more likely to happen; and it may be a good idea to identify friends or companions who can help that person make healthier choices. These are tactics that lots of addicts use to maintain sobriety. But one doesn’t have to say, “I am a sexual addict,” to build a new sex life that is more in keeping with what they want.

You may have noticed that I’ve shifted the focus off your boyfriend and onto a general, non-specific person. That’s because, as interesting as your question is, I’m guessing it’s not the best question for you to ask right now. Your boyfriend is behaving in ways that upset you. Your boyfriend has done things that have harmed you emotionally. And–this is important!–your boyfriend has potentially put you at physical risk if the two of you have had sex while he was having sex with other people. Are you sure that both of you have been tested for sexually-transmitted infections? These questions are more worthy of your attention right now than your boyfriend’s need for a sexual treatment plan.

Take good care of yourself, ask your own questions first, and I think that whatever your boyfriend chooses to do, you’ll be in a better position.

–Stephen

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Sometimes, when my own little advice column isn’t busy, I check out “Prudie” on slate.com. Here’s her latest post. I particularly liked how she responded to the reader who got into hot water with his wife and her sister. It’s a great example of dual relationships, triangles, and the general mess of trouble we all get into from time to time. I particularly like how Prudie handled the idea of spouses sharing confidences. There are times when it is—ahem—ABSOLUTELY WRONG to share certain things with your spouse (for example, someone else’s deeply private information that’s been entrusted to you for professional reasons, which is to say, the content of my daily work life!), but in family situations like the one described, Prudie’s right: the sister was being unreasonable and not respecting the jam she was putting her brother-in-law and sister into. (Oh, and Prudie’s right to agree with the reader that he behaved idiotically too!) It’s worth a read.

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Dear Stephen,

Okay, so I confess, I Googled you. I was looking for a therapist and I liked your site, so I looked for other evidence of you on the Internet. Much to my surprise, I saw you on a blog for a church in Seattle. Are you a Christian counselor? I don’t mean any disrespect, but I am not interested in that.

–Looking for a Secular Perspective

Dear Secular,

I’m glad you asked! I’ve been wondering when someone would do a Google search on me and ask me this. I’m happy to tell you that no, I am not a Christian counselor. I am trained as a “systems” therapist (also known as a couple and family therapist), and though the university that trained me is affiliated with the Lutheran church, the therapy graduate program was fully and thoroughly non-sectarian. I have not been trained as a chaplain, spiritual director, or any other kind of religious counselor.

Having said all that, I do have a personal spiritual practice, and a religious orientation. Since it’s pretty much out in the open anyway, I think it’s time to say on my own website that I am an active Episcopalian at a progressive, affirming church in Seattle. We don’t do a political litmus test, but our church attracts fairly liberal—and highly open-minded—people. If you want to learn more, click here.

I’ve been fairly “closeted”—I suppose that’s the right word—about all this because the majority of my clients do not identify with any religious organization, and some have been harmed by churches who rejected them for being gay (or for other reasons). I never—ever!—take our therapy in a religious direction, with only one exception: if the client is asking her own religious or spiritual questions and wants to talk about them with me, I can help her wrestle with those questions using her own religious background as a starting point, and often enough I’ll know a fair amount about that background, at least in a general sense. (If she says, “I was raised Catholic,” I’ll have a very educated guess about what she means.) But even then, my training, and my temperament as a therapist, prevent me from falling into the role of a religious counselor. It is important that I do the work for which I was licensed.

I also keep the wisdom of my own tradition in mind. One Episcopal priest I know and respect said to me, “The church can be a great place to hide from God.” I think he meant that religious people can do all kinds of irreligious things—awful things!—or shrink from a truly ethical life, and rationalize it by going to church every week. And a Catholic priest I know and respect said to me, “If the Holy Spirit is only present inside the church, then we are all in very big trouble.” I think he meant that not only does the institutional church have plenty of problems, including the fact that it simply doesn’t work for the majority of human beings on this planet, but there is far too much beauty and creativity and wisdom beyond the church walls for anyone to fantasize that the church can somehow contain the Source of All Being that, in churches, goes by the name of God. I say all this because these are reasons why it’s quite easy for me to walk away from church language, church politics, and even church worldviews when I step into my counseling office.

So if you’re interested in receiving non-religious counseling, you really can get it from someone who has his own religious community. Just let me know!

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Dear Stephen,

I stumbled upon your website while searching the internet for advice and found your replies to others’ questions very interesting and helpful. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year. She’s been dealing with a death in the family recently, and I have tried to be supportive, wanting to have a relationship and get to know this woman while respecting the ups and downs of her family situation. I know the past few months have been a blur for her and she feels emotionally scattered. When I had a birthday recently, she gave me a sweet card and apologized for not getting me anything because she couldn’t think or plan anything during this tough time for her family. So I planned my own day and had a lovely time. Then, a few weeks later she told me she was looking for something for me for my birthday. This weekend we celebrated our anniversary and she drove us to a friend’s house and we had a lovely time. I planned meals and food for us because she felt she couldn’t plan anything yet since she was still coping with family problems. But then, during the weekend, we missed a mutual friend’s birthday and my partner wanted to make it up to her by planning a fancy birthday dinner with lots of courses. I started feeling angry and annoyed and jealous (and even more petty) that my partner wanted to do something special for a friend without having planned something special for us. Yes, for our anniversary she did drive us to a friend’s house, but I felt that I planned the whole thing and have been planning things for her for months. And the first time she is capable of planning something, I feel hurt because it’s not for me. Am I being crazy or selfish? Really petty? I’m trying to be understanding of my partner’s grief, but I am struggling to communicate (and to weigh) my own needs in the relationship. I would appreciate any advice.

–Trying to Be Supportive

Dear Trying,

If your partner is dealing with a death in the family, then you’re right to give her some latitude. A friend of mine has a good rule of thumb: depending on how significant the death is, the grieving person can reasonably expect to be out of sorts for up to a year. Though I am not Jewish, I appreciate the Jewish wisdom of a one-year grieving process (discussed here). We’re too quick in our culture to paper over our feelings and move forward, as if bereavement can really be wrapped up in a matter of days or weeks.

Having said that, your partner does not get a free pass out of behaving ethically in her relationships, and you do not need to suspend your own thoughts and feelings for a year. You get to feel resentful. I say this first of all because if you do feel resentful, there’s not much you can do about that. Feelings are like the weather: they come over you. You can control how you handle your feelings, but the feelings themselves just happen. It sounds like you feel resentful because your partner took a pass on your birthday (for the most part) and then decided to order up a full birthday special for your friend. This is not something you need to swallow.

You might want to have a sit-down with your partner. Tell her, first of all, that you understand that the grieving process is a serious thing, and that her grief honors the family member who died. Tell her you want to be supportive, and you understand that she’s been unable to do the usual “relationshippy” things, like planning a special birthday experience for you. You could even ask her if there’s anything further you could do (or not do) to help her during this time. And then tell her that for the sake of your relationship, you need to let her know that you were taken aback when she said she wanted to plan an event for your friend. Tell her you really struggled with this because you don’t want to sound petty, but you couldn’t help feeling stung by it.

It’s normal for couples to avoid these kinds of conversations. You don’t want to sound petty, or you don’t want to overburden the relationship with discussions about your expectations. But if you’re approaching your partner from a mature, sensitive, yet self-confident stance, she’ll most likely notice that. If you really don’t think you’re being petty, then you will effectively communicate to her that you love her, support her, and also expect your propers as her partner.

Someone I know said it this way to her partner: “If I’m your partner, then when the plane is going down, it’s my hand you’re holding.” It sounds like you want this kind of relationship—a relationship where each of you is #1 in the eyes of the other. Even if your partner is grieving, it’s not petty or crazy or selfish to ask for this.

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