Dear Stephen,

I know, I know, this is a cliche, but my husband forgot our anniversary and I’m pissed. The thing is, I’m not 100% sure he forgot, but on the day of the anniversary he showed up after work, went into his home office, and came out with a card. He’s got tons of stuff in the office, and I wouldn’t put it past him to have a stash of cards for those “Oh crap I forgot” moments he likes to have. Sorry if I sound crabby, but it’s really upsetting to me when he forgets. It means he doesn’t love me, and doesn’t care about us. But I feel like I can’t nag him about it because that’s all it will sound like–nagging. Plus, this all happened like three months ago, so it feels like I’d be petty if I brought it up now. What should I do?

Ignored in Illinois

Dear Ignored,

I like the alliteration in your advice-column name, but I suggest “Pissed in Peoria.” I’m not joking around–seriously, I think you’re mad, and I certainly understand why. But I encourage you to stay with that rather than focusing on the conclusions you’re jumping to (such as the belief that your husband is ignoring you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you). You’re mad because of these conclusions and beliefs, so at some point you’ll need to address them, but it helps to stay with yourself first, and focus on what you yourself can do about the problem.

Here’s what I would do: I would sit down with him and tell him what I really want to happen on anniversaries. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, and you’re probably right that he might feel defensive–and might even think you’re a nag! But you’re not. You just know what you want, and you’re getting that across to him. And be really detailed about it. Instead of saying, “I want you to be caring and respectful of me, and remember our anniversary,” say, “I want our anniversary to be really special, and for me that means dinner out, gifts, and time together, just the two of us.” You could then let him know that when this hasn’t happened in the past, you’ve felt angry and hurt. You know that those are your feelings, and that they’re based on the conclusions and beliefs you created in response to his behavior, but you understand that they are not facts.

If he gets defensive, hang in there. Your job is not to try and convict him in a kangaroo court where you’re the judge and he’s the hapless defendant. Even if he feels that way, it doesn’t have to be what’s really happening. Your job is simply to connect with your husband about your desires, and for that, you need to take your own desires seriously, own them, and extravert them to him. It may not sound romantic, and it may not sound fair. But all it really is is you taking the lead, from a mature stance, so that the anniversaries to come are joyous celebrations of your life together.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

My partner recently asked me to move in with her. We’ve been dating for a couple of years now, so we get lots of jokes from our friends because we aren’t the stereotypical “U-Haul on the second date” lesbian couple. I think one of the reasons we’ve waited so long is that my partner has a cat and knows I’m highly allergic to cats. (And she simply adores her cat.) I’ve spent some time in her apartment and had allergic reactions, though they haven’t been really bad, probably because I don’t usually spend very much time there and she’s willing to stay over at my place most of the time. I really want to move in with her, but my allergy is a serious problem. My partner is trying to be cool about it, but I can see it annoys her that I’m letting my allergy stand in the way of our next step as a couple. I don’t want to ask her to get rid of the cat, but I’m really feeling that if the cat doesn’t go, I can’t move in. Help!

–Allergy Girl

Dear Allergy Girl,

It sounds like the two of you just need to have a good talk, and also do some research about the problem. First, the talk: tell your girlfriend that you’re worried that she is frustrated with you about this problem, and that if she is, you understand her frustration. Tell her you’re willing to work with her on the situation, but you also need her to meet you halfway. I found a book that addresses the issue in a balanced way (see the link below). In her book “The Natural Cat,” author Anitra Frazier discusses natural methods that truly help reduce allergic reactions. She encourages cat owners to feed their cats well and brush them often. I think it also helps to vacuum or sweep regularly, keep the air moving in the apartment, and generally be sensitive to the presence of the cat’s fur in the living space. In Frazier’s experience, healthy, well-brushed cats are far less allergenic. In addition, she encourages the person with the allergy to consider a shot or other treatments to minimize their symptoms. (This could be a true sign of love on your part!) If your reactions so far haven’t been severe, that might mean that your partner is already raising a healthy and happy cat, and that all she needs to do is increase the brushing. Cats (and dogs) also benefit from Omega-3 fish-oil supplements that improve the health of their skin and coat. Bottom line: if you’re both willing to make some changes and understand the concerns of the other, you should be okay. Again, see below for the link to a good book.

–Stephen

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It