Dear Stephen,

I met my boyfriend two years ago. He was in a five-year relationship with another woman when we met. I was single/divorced for well over ten years. Having been tangled with a married man before, one of my first questions to him was, “Are you married?” to which he honestly replied “No,” but he did not tell me he was in a five-year relationship living with a woman with whom he had had a child. He also had an affair with this woman while he was married to his first (and only) wife of over 20+ years. He has since left the mother of his five-year-old son and is now with me. He says he will never remarry. I, on the other hand, do want to marry again, but I now find it hard to leave because my four-year-old daughter is attached to him and I don’t want to be one of those women who brings different men into their children’s lives. He is not fully committed and says I don’t say Those Three Words…I don’t believe in them, but I’m here. What is your take?

–Looking for Mr. Commitment

Dear Commitment,

I presume by “Those Three Words” you mean “I love you,” and that you haven’t been able to say this to him because of the back-and-forth you two have done around the issues of marriage, truth-telling (or lack thereof), and past pain you’ve suffered…or present pain you’re suffering as you try to puzzle out who your boyfriend is, what he wants, and whether you have a future together.

I don’t know you, so I may be wrong, but it sounds like you don’t want to leave him for reasons other than (or at least in addition to) your concerns about your daughter. I agree that it can be stressful for a child to adjust to a revolving door of mom’s boyfriends, but you haven’t said this is what you’re doing—you’re citing only this one example where you’re concerned that this isn’t the right guy for you. Unless you really think you have a bad habit of dating lots of different guys who bond with your daughter only to break her heart, I’d say your concerns about your daughter are misplaced: she’ll adjust quickly to the change, if breaking up with this man is the right choice for you. She’ll adjust even more quickly if you are taking full ownership of the decision and explain clearly to her that he’s a friend, but no longer a special friend.

As for him not wanting to marry, that’s a perfectly reasonable choice. Lots of people choose not to marry. Some of the best people I know are single, and plan to remain so. But he’s in a relationship with you now, and you are interested in marriage…so interested, in fact, that you’re debating breaking up over the issue. It’s time to tell him exactly what goals, plans, and dreams you have for yourself. You might lose him, and your daughter may have to adjust to that, but if you’re stating clearly—to yourself, to him, and to your daughter—who you are and what you want, then everyone (especially you yourself!) will feel better and know what to do, even if the first few steps are sad or painful.

–Stephen

P.S. His decision not to tell you about the woman he was living with—the woman with whom he had an affair—is a highly significant omission. Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, I encourage you to address this with him, preferably with a counselor’s help. Knowing your partner deeply and broadly is a basic component of a happy relationship. He shouldn’t have kept that from you, and his choice to do so is a significant concern.

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