Dear Stephen,

I’ve been nosing around for a counselor recently and came across your blogs. I like what you’ve had to say and thought I’d give it a try: my girlfriend and I have been together about seven months and things are going well. We have, however, struggled to come out as a (lesbian) couple. She has been out for years. I am have only begun the “coming out process,” as she calls it. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of what my family and friends will think; that we will be harassed in public; that my work associates will not associate with me, etc. There are also people I love and respect deeply that I have not told yet. We live in a widely interconnected community and I’m afraid those people will hear through the grapevine and lose respect for me because I do not have the strength yet to tell them in person. Her openness and my fear has led to several conflicts: twice we have been invited to dinner at someone’s house as a couple, on multiple occasions she has introduced me as her girlfriend to complete strangers, brought her parents over to meet me, and now she wants me to spend a weekend at her parents’ home. All without my knowledge or permission. I want to be an active part of her life, but I feel uncomfortable in many of these situations. I have tried to pluck up my courage and be “loud and proud”, and she has tried to be understanding, but I just can’t do it. When these situations pop up, I get anxious and snap at her, or withdraw. This has become a bone of contention between us; I think she feels stifled by me, and I feel exposed by her. How do I navigate these situations while still being respectful of both our positions?

Sincerely,

Peeking out the closet door

Dear Peeking,

I think the best way to look at your dilemma is this: neither of you was put on earth to be the ideal partner for the other. So…either of you could decide (with good reason) that you’d rather be with someone else, someone who is a better fit. And…either of you could decide (with good reason) that you could grow and change in the direction of the other: she could appreciate your need for discretion and boundaries, and she could get in touch with the notion that people who are in a different place in the coming-out process deserve patience and support. This could be a way for her to become a more supportive, sensitive, and gracious person.

Or you could appreciate her courage, and see her “out and proud” approach to her sexual orientation as something worth emulating. This could be a way for you to become a more confident, daring, and forceful person. In both cases, the person who soaks up the life experience and wisdom of the other person will enjoy the learning and growth that results from such an effort.

I see gifts and benefits to both choices: it’s great (even exhilarating) to be “out and proud,” and it’s also great (and wise) to be discreet and quiet about one’s own life. And in your particular case, I don’t doubt that your instinct for self-preservation serves you well: it’s likely that you’re right about the harsh reactions you might suffer from certain people in your life if they learn that you are a lesbian. At some point, it would be great if they came around, but for now, who am I to say that you’re wrong to be cautious? But I’ll also say this: think about the possibility that your friend (or girlfriend, or partner, or spouse, or just friend? who knows for sure just yet?!) has some wisdom to offer you. She’s more pushy than you are, and perhaps less considerate, less sensitive. But she could be in your life right now to teach you that you’re ready to take the next step in your own development as a sexual being…or simply as a human being.

Take some time to reflect on this, and take good care—

Stephen

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