Dear Stephen,

I met my boyfriend two years ago. He was in a five-year relationship with another woman when we met. I was single/divorced for well over ten years. Having been tangled with a married man before, one of my first questions to him was, “Are you married?” to which he honestly replied “No,” but he did not tell me he was in a five-year relationship living with a woman with whom he had had a child. He also had an affair with this woman while he was married to his first (and only) wife of over 20+ years. He has since left the mother of his five-year-old son and is now with me. He says he will never remarry. I, on the other hand, do want to marry again, but I now find it hard to leave because my four-year-old daughter is attached to him and I don’t want to be one of those women who brings different men into their children’s lives. He is not fully committed and says I don’t say Those Three Words…I don’t believe in them, but I’m here. What is your take?

–Looking for Mr. Commitment

Dear Commitment,

I presume by “Those Three Words” you mean “I love you,” and that you haven’t been able to say this to him because of the back-and-forth you two have done around the issues of marriage, truth-telling (or lack thereof), and past pain you’ve suffered…or present pain you’re suffering as you try to puzzle out who your boyfriend is, what he wants, and whether you have a future together.

I don’t know you, so I may be wrong, but it sounds like you don’t want to leave him for reasons other than (or at least in addition to) your concerns about your daughter. I agree that it can be stressful for a child to adjust to a revolving door of mom’s boyfriends, but you haven’t said this is what you’re doing—you’re citing only this one example where you’re concerned that this isn’t the right guy for you. Unless you really think you have a bad habit of dating lots of different guys who bond with your daughter only to break her heart, I’d say your concerns about your daughter are misplaced: she’ll adjust quickly to the change, if breaking up with this man is the right choice for you. She’ll adjust even more quickly if you are taking full ownership of the decision and explain clearly to her that he’s a friend, but no longer a special friend.

As for him not wanting to marry, that’s a perfectly reasonable choice. Lots of people choose not to marry. Some of the best people I know are single, and plan to remain so. But he’s in a relationship with you now, and you are interested in marriage…so interested, in fact, that you’re debating breaking up over the issue. It’s time to tell him exactly what goals, plans, and dreams you have for yourself. You might lose him, and your daughter may have to adjust to that, but if you’re stating clearly—to yourself, to him, and to your daughter—who you are and what you want, then everyone (especially you yourself!) will feel better and know what to do, even if the first few steps are sad or painful.

–Stephen

P.S. His decision not to tell you about the woman he was living with—the woman with whom he had an affair—is a highly significant omission. Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, I encourage you to address this with him, preferably with a counselor’s help. Knowing your partner deeply and broadly is a basic component of a happy relationship. He shouldn’t have kept that from you, and his choice to do so is a significant concern.

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Dear Stephen,

I am writing to ask your advice on being a partner to a transgendered person. My partner is a biowoman, and most of the time, dresses in “women’s” clothing, she has a “woman’s” haircut, uses female pronouns to refer to herself, and identifies sexually as a woman. However, she considers herself transgendered because she likes to wear pants and polo shirts, and do “manly” things that women don’t do. Therefore, she does not see herself fitting into the category of “woman.” I disagree with her on this count because I think that women can do all of the things she does and still be very much women. I myself do everything she does, sometimes in a skirt, sometimes in pants, and it has always been important to me that I do those things as a woman. It seems to me that she is buying into a highly limited view of what it means to be a woman that mostly involves being dainty, pretty, and not doing anything too strenuous. I am not sure that we will never agree on this one.

Aside from that, however, it is important to me to be supportive and accepting of her identity. I love her very much and this is an important part of who she is. I’ve read Judith Butler and Riki Wilchins, I’ve seen presentations, and talked with leaders in the transgendered community. But none of that makes it any easier to feel like I’m walking beside my partner when she puts on her binder and tells me that today she feels “manly.” To be honest, I am scared that she will wake up one morning and decide that she is not transgendered, but transsexual and I don’t know what I would do. I’d like to say that I would still love her and we would make our relationship work but I don’t think that is true. I do not want to be with a man, I want to be with a woman and I don’t know if I could have the same relationship with a man, even if he were a transman. I spent enough time dating men I wanted nothing to do with, and I don’t want to be pulled back into that place. She assures me that she is not transsexual, and I believe her, but I know that part of the journey is that people change and there’s no guarantee that she will not discover later than she is transsexual.

When she says that she feels “dykey” I want to be able to see her in that as much as she sees herself. When she wears a binder and men’s clothes, I want to feel like it’s her walking in the door and not a stranger. I have tried, but I’m out of ideas. I am sure that this is hard for me because I’m limiting myself in some way, but I can’t figure out how to get around it. So, I’m asking you: how do I let go of what I want my partner to be, and learn to see her in all of her forms?

Sincerely,

Blinded by Appearances

P.S. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for using female pronouns in your writing. It is not very common and I very much appreciate the inclusiveness.

Dear Blinded,

Thanks for your question, and you’re certainly welcome re: the female pronouns! One question I have for your partner is whether she also has consulted with anyone who identifies as a person in the transgender community. It sounds like you have done some research and discernment, whereas she has not. (And I might be mistaken about that, of course!) It might be a good idea for you both to speak to someone who can contextualize your partner’s experience and offer both of you advice from her/his transgender background. It’s possible that your partner is so earnest about breaking gender stereotypes that s/he truly does not identify fully with one gender orientation. If so, then it’s not a foregone conclusion that s/he will soon seek a full biological and socio-psychological transition. Either way, it’s only ethical for her to acknowledge your concerns and seek further advice and support for both of you. Since this issue is so deeply personal for her, and also has such a huge potential impact on you, it’s best if s/he takes your concerns seriously, and solicits the support you both need to discern what’s next for your relationship.

I hope this helps, and look forward to further communication from you if you have more questions. Take good care,

Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

Seven years ago my wife and I decided to get married and keep it a secret until we could have a proper wedding. However, I have a big mouth and it slipped out a few weeks later that we had gotten married. About six months later, I moved far away to be with my bride, and we see family about once a year. We haven’t been able to pull the money together to have that wedding, and our financial situation doesn’t allow us to plan one just yet. But I digress. My family is aware of our wedding date, but it seems that every year I have to remind them. It’s important to me that I’m married, and it hurts me that they cannot remember. This year I reminded my father subtly over the phone about a week before our anniversary, and then I sent my mother an email the day before to remind her, and asked her to call my wife on the day. She thanked me for reminding her and sent us an (ugh) e-card. My sister, who is in the process of planning her own wedding in November, completely forgot it. I can’t help but be upset, and I’m wondering if we have a right to be upset, given that we eloped. Thanks for your help.

—Quebec

Dear Quebec,

It might be a good idea to assume that your family is not intentionally ignoring your anniversary, but are simply not remembering it because they weren’t a part of the original event. Alternatively, as they move through the calendar of birthdays and anniversaries, they may simply not see it as one that you want commemorated, given that you eloped, which is a very private way to celebrate a marriage. Even if they are consciously expressing anger about your decision to elope, you may want to see this as understandable, even if it’s painful for you. You left them out of your special day: isn’t it reasonable that they might have some negative feelings about that?

I think the solution is to call them together—or meet with them one-on-one, which is also fine—and simply tell them that, though you decided to elope, you now want your family to be more involved in the annual celebration of your marriage. Tell them that you understand if they felt (or still feel) hurt by your decision to elope, and you’d be happy to listen if they’d like to share their feelings with you. And then tell them that you’re hoping to plan a modest, affordable celebration soon that officially welcomes everyone into your married life without busting your budget. In my opinion, it’s better to blow a bundle on a major anniversary, rather than the initial wedding: if you make it through 10, 20, or 25 years and still feel happy together, now that’s a cause for expensive celebration!

—Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

My partner and I have been together for three years, and I’m worried that I’ve just about had enough. About a year ago, I got to know a new co-worker who became a good, close friend. Like me, he’s a gay man in a committed relationship. We have lunch together most days, and for a while we’d talk on the phone in the evening. I’ve stopped the phone calls, though, because my partner goes crazy when he finds out I’m communicating with my friend. I’ve never cheated on him, but he was hurt by someone in a previous relationship, and he says it’s “not natural” for two gay guys to be such close friends, and even if it is, it’s “inevitable” that we’ll end up together. My friend is interesting and attractive, but I can’t convince my partner that he has nothing to worry about. I don’t feel a romantic connection with my friend. And I’m not that guy. I’m not the guy who betrays someone he loves.

My partner has now started checking up on me. He got on my laptop and checked my emails, and when I confronted him with it he was defensive and angry, saying that he has to protect himself, so he’s justified in invading my privacy. He calls me and texts me dozens of times a day, asking where I am. I always tell him, but I’ve asked him to stop this and told him that if he doesn’t trust me, then I don’t know how we can make this work. That just makes him freak out even more. I don’t want to break up with him—I really do love him. But I can’t think of anything else to do at this point.

—Trustworthy, and Frustrated

Dear Trustworthy,

Your situation is a perfect example of a relationship that looks unbalanced: one person looks sane, the other looks neurotic. It sounds like your partner doesn’t know that his behavior is the surest way to drive you out of his life. But this isn’t the whole story. There are things you’re doing, and, more importantly, not doing that are supporting your partner’s unhealthy behavior. Here are some questions you’d do well to ask yourself:

First, if you’re actually trustworthy, then why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you? If you’re a good guy, why be with someone who thinks you’re a villain? People stay in unhappy relationships for lots of reasons—a sense of duty, to meet practical needs (like a shared mortgage), beliefs about love and commitment, inertia—but I’ll guess one of your big reasons for staying with your partner is that you’re afraid to step away from him. You’re afraid to say, “Bill, I love you, but I can’t be your partner if you don’t trust me to be faithful to you. We either need to work on this together, or we need to end the relationship.” You know that he’d freak out if you said this, but my bigger concern is that you also would freak out: you’d lose your nerve, or get pulled into a big fight, and then you’d both return to the status quo.

Second, if you’re actually trustworthy, why do you go along with your partner’s vigilant monitoring of you every day? This is really the same question as the one above, but on a smaller level. The Big Choice you could make is to tell your partner truthfully that either his behavior changes, or the relationship ends. Smaller choices—choices that put you on the path toward health and happiness, whether or not the relationship survives—are choices like not responding to his anxious texts, setting clear limits in your daily routine, and calmly letting him know that you’re tired of reporting to a probation officer for a crime you didn’t commit. Would your partner then break up with you? Maybe, but if so, that would probably be a good development in your life. If your partner responds in a healthy way, and the two of you finally begin to rebuild trust in your relationship, that would be great, but even then, your partner’s initial response to your limit-setting will probably be negative.

Third—and I know this is a very different way to look at this!—does your partner have a point? Lunch and phone calls every day with an attractive man who spends every workday with you? I can take you at your word that you’re not betraying your partner, and I have many close friends with whom I spend a lot of time each week, but is it possible that you’re giving this co-worker the time and attention you used to give to your partner? Are you straying from your partner, and, to use a strong word, abandoning your partner in a way that isn’t full-blown betrayal but nonetheless is quite significant? Maybe your partner needs to work on jealousy and hypervigilant behavior, but maybe you need to work on what you really want in your relationship, and whether you’re really being honest with yourself and your partner about that.

Through all of this, I hope you can see how your own fears are as much a barrier to your health and happiness as your partner’s behavior. Think of it this way: your partner, by behaving badly, is unconsciously (and unintentionally) challenging you to face your own fears and hang-ups. See it as your problem, and your own opportunity for self-development. You might lose the relationship, you might not. Either way, it’s a step forward in your own growth.

—Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I’ve been nosing around for a counselor recently and came across your blogs. I like what you’ve had to say and thought I’d give it a try: my girlfriend and I have been together about seven months and things are going well. We have, however, struggled to come out as a (lesbian) couple. She has been out for years. I am have only begun the “coming out process,” as she calls it. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of what my family and friends will think; that we will be harassed in public; that my work associates will not associate with me, etc. There are also people I love and respect deeply that I have not told yet. We live in a widely interconnected community and I’m afraid those people will hear through the grapevine and lose respect for me because I do not have the strength yet to tell them in person. Her openness and my fear has led to several conflicts: twice we have been invited to dinner at someone’s house as a couple, on multiple occasions she has introduced me as her girlfriend to complete strangers, brought her parents over to meet me, and now she wants me to spend a weekend at her parents’ home. All without my knowledge or permission. I want to be an active part of her life, but I feel uncomfortable in many of these situations. I have tried to pluck up my courage and be “loud and proud”, and she has tried to be understanding, but I just can’t do it. When these situations pop up, I get anxious and snap at her, or withdraw. This has become a bone of contention between us; I think she feels stifled by me, and I feel exposed by her. How do I navigate these situations while still being respectful of both our positions?

Sincerely,

Peeking out the closet door

Dear Peeking,

I think the best way to look at your dilemma is this: neither of you was put on earth to be the ideal partner for the other. So…either of you could decide (with good reason) that you’d rather be with someone else, someone who is a better fit. And…either of you could decide (with good reason) that you could grow and change in the direction of the other: she could appreciate your need for discretion and boundaries, and she could get in touch with the notion that people who are in a different place in the coming-out process deserve patience and support. This could be a way for her to become a more supportive, sensitive, and gracious person.

Or you could appreciate her courage, and see her “out and proud” approach to her sexual orientation as something worth emulating. This could be a way for you to become a more confident, daring, and forceful person. In both cases, the person who soaks up the life experience and wisdom of the other person will enjoy the learning and growth that results from such an effort.

I see gifts and benefits to both choices: it’s great (even exhilarating) to be “out and proud,” and it’s also great (and wise) to be discreet and quiet about one’s own life. And in your particular case, I don’t doubt that your instinct for self-preservation serves you well: it’s likely that you’re right about the harsh reactions you might suffer from certain people in your life if they learn that you are a lesbian. At some point, it would be great if they came around, but for now, who am I to say that you’re wrong to be cautious? But I’ll also say this: think about the possibility that your friend (or girlfriend, or partner, or spouse, or just friend? who knows for sure just yet?!) has some wisdom to offer you. She’s more pushy than you are, and perhaps less considerate, less sensitive. But she could be in your life right now to teach you that you’re ready to take the next step in your own development as a sexual being…or simply as a human being.

Take some time to reflect on this, and take good care—

Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I just found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, even though we’ve had what I thought was a non-open (that means closed!) relationship. I’m pretty upset about it…just the fact that he stepped out once was hard to hear, and then I found out that he’s also very into porn, and has been with lots of different guys over the course of our relationship. I don’t know if we’re going to make it, but I’m also really concerned about him and wonder if he needs an intervention or something. Is he a sex addict?

–Concerned and Upset

Dear Concerned,

I can’t tell you what’s going on with your boyfriend himself, since I haven’t met him, much less assessed what’s going on with him, but I can tell you my thoughts on sex addiction. First, you should know that the jury is still out on the question of whether “sex addiction” is a useful and ethical way to describe a person’s sexual problem. You are likely to find therapists and other medical professionals in your community who use the disease model of addiction to describe a person’s out-of-control sexual behaviors and habits, but you’ll also find therapists like me who won’t go that far. (For what it’s worth, the primary diagnostic manual in the field of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy–the DSM–is not considering “sex addiction” as an additional disorder in its next edition. There is simply not enough consensus about this in the field to warrant its inclusion in the official listing of ‘disorders.’)

There are problems with using a disease/addiction model when talking about a person’s sexuality. Unlike external substances like alcohol and drugs, sex is something that is fully integrated into our physical being. It’s a fundamental dimension of human sensation, human relationships, and human experience. It’s how we propogate the species, and it’s simply a major part of a natural human life on earth. If your boyfriend were thinking about joining a celibate religious order, he might want to discern with his superiors whether he truly wants to live a life in which his sexual behavior is highly constrained. But–and I think it’s safe to guess that he’s not interested in that!–outside of a context like that, his use of the addiction model to change his sexual behavior will have its limits. Unlike an alcoholic, your boyfriend would be striving for a sex life in which sex happens–perhaps on a daily basis–but happens in a context that is, in his own opinion, life-giving and healthy.

Having said that, the addiction model offers wisdom up to a point … wisdom that a person who believes s/he has sexual-behavior problems might like to know. For example, it might be helpful for that person to identify triggers of problematic behavior, or social contexts where it’s more likely to happen; and it may be a good idea to identify friends or companions who can help that person make healthier choices. These are tactics that lots of addicts use to maintain sobriety. But one doesn’t have to say, “I am a sexual addict,” to build a new sex life that is more in keeping with what they want.

You may have noticed that I’ve shifted the focus off your boyfriend and onto a general, non-specific person. That’s because, as interesting as your question is, I’m guessing it’s not the best question for you to ask right now. Your boyfriend is behaving in ways that upset you. Your boyfriend has done things that have harmed you emotionally. And–this is important!–your boyfriend has potentially put you at physical risk if the two of you have had sex while he was having sex with other people. Are you sure that both of you have been tested for sexually-transmitted infections? These questions are more worthy of your attention right now than your boyfriend’s need for a sexual treatment plan.

Take good care of yourself, ask your own questions first, and I think that whatever your boyfriend chooses to do, you’ll be in a better position.

–Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I am having a difficulty with my partner; it appears to be a very minor and silly complaint on the surface but I think it has a lot more meaning for us. The basic issue is that my partner travels a lot and has a thing about taking cabs. Not really a phobia, more of a discomfort about hygiene and the potential for offensive or uncomfortable conversation (which really does seem to happen quite often). His company pays for the service but he would prefer me to take him. I do not like driving him to the airport. It is just not pleasant. He asks me, “What is the big deal?” I find this difficult to answer; but I guess the big deal is that I just don’t want to and that I do not care enough about his discomfort with cabs to overcome that. In the past I have taken him out of guilt because I feel like it should not be an issue for me. But now I am trying to be honest with myself and him so as to avoid being upset and causing fights. Sometimes I will take him to the airport and be really rude and unpleasant. At other times I have taken him out of sincerity and it has been pleasant for both of us, but this is quite rare. I am confused as to whether I need to overcome my distaste for driving him to the airport or if I need to not care about his dislike for taking cabs. If you have any suggestions as to how to deal with this I would greatly appreciate it!

Taxi Dog

Dear Taxi,

So the thing is, I don’t like cheese.

(Bear with me. This really is about you!)

But as I said, I don’t like cheese. Or at least I don’t like it in most of its forms, particularly when you can see the rot–sorry, the “flavorful color” such as you’d find in blue cheese. But my partner is a marvelous cook, and my partner loves cheese, and is often puzzled (and sometimes frustrated) when I express my distaste for curdled milk nast–sorry, cheese. It’s a similar situation to yours, which is why I bring it up. Be assured: this is happening to you not because you’re petty, but because in any relationship–all relationships–it is inevitable that the couple will bump into each other like this.

Here’s the breakdown: 1) partner A has a preference; 2) that preference bumps up against partner B’s preferences and/or lifestyle; 3) partner B isn’t sure how seriously to take partner A’s preference, or how seriously to take his own way of doing things. What’s partner B to do? I think there are at least two healthy options:

First, think about healthy pushback. Specifically, you could communicate to your partner that while you understand his dilemma, you are not willing to do this particular relationship behavior (picking him up at the airport). If you take this tack, you’ll notice immediately a lot of cultural pressure–most of it inside yourself–that says, “You’re being petty. Come on! It’s just picking him up at the airport. Everybody does it! Don’t be selfish!” But it can be a healthy choice to resist that pressure. It can actually be a gift to your partner, because you are making your choice–a choice that does not relieve him of his problem, and flies in the face of conventional wisdom about relationships–under the assumption that he’s a big kid who can solve his problems in other ways, and you’re both big kids who can enjoy intimacy, trust, and happiness together without slavishly adhering to cultural expectations. Basically, if you’re doing healthy pushback, you’re deciding that you will not pick him up at the airport unless you want to give the favor to him freely as a gift. You are resisting the dull pressure of duty and guilt, and you are expecting that both you and your partner can adjust to this unconventional but self-assured behavior.

Second, you could go in the other direction completely–but in a healthy way. You could notice your resistance, and creatively choose to disregard it, telling yourself that you want to open up to your partner and accommodate him more than you want to stand your ground on this issue. You could make meaning of your resistance as just that–resistance–and say to yourself, “I am choosing purposely to disregard my impulse to push back. I am opening myself up to my partner, as a gift to him but also to myself.” The gift to him is fairly obvious: he gets a ride home, and he gets the even more valuable gift of a partner who is creatively (not anxiously or guiltily) saying Yes to his vision for the relationship–or at least his vision for airport transportation. But the gift to yourself is also significant: you are opening yourself up to the reality and worldview of another person, in this small way (but most of the specific things we do to change and grow in relationships are fairly small). Opening up like this is–like healthy pushback–an opportunity for growth.

Either way, try to look at it–and carry it out–as a positive, intentional decision on your part, not a decision born of guilt, fear, or resentment.

Meanwhile, I’ll think about opening up to eating more cheese!

–Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

You’ll probably think I’m the shallowest person ever to ask you for advice, but I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve been with my partner for four years now, which I think is a long time. I’m happy with him, and he’s happy with me (or so he tells me), and he’s a really great guy. He’s sexy too. We have a great life together. But… he has this little mannerism. He closes his eyes a lot when he’s talking, which I know is just something he does for no real reason, but it’s hard not to think that he’s being haughty when he does it. I feel dumb writing this out. I should be grateful to have such a great person in my life, right? But lately I’ve been focusing on it more. It’s starting to really eat at me. Since it’s been a few years, we’ve been talking about taking the next step, which for us can’t be marriage but domestic partnership (thanks for nothing, state of Washington). How can I get past this pet peeve?

–Shamefully Shallow

Dear Shamefully,

I’m glad you screwed up the courage to ask me about this, even though at first glance it does seem like one of those Seinfeld kinds of problems. Take it easy on yourself: this kind of thing is normal in even the healthiest relationships. I’d say you have a couple of options. First, depending on the level of comfort and everyday honesty in your relationship, you could actually bring it up to him, and in a way that is relaxed and self-deprecating. Something like, “Honey, you know I love you more than my luggage, but what *is* it with you closing your eyes when you talk?” He may not even know he does it. If you bring it up to him, what’s the worst that can happen? He might blush, or be irritated with you, or take offense. He might get self-conscious about it. It could even lead to a disagreement, or a fight. But it could also be an opportunity for your relationship to go to the next level. It’s one of those smaller, everyday risks that can improve your intimacy and openness together. And the upside is that he could find it amusing, understand your little concern, and be a big boy about it.

Another option: do nothing, and when he closes his eyes, take it as an opportunity to focus on something else, or listen more carefully to what he’s saying. Breathe deeply, take a long drink of water, and try to direct your attention to other things. Tell yourself that it’s not a big deal, and that it’s distracting you from the heart and soul of your relationship.

Either way, it’s better to do something like these options rather than struggling with it under the assumption that you’re being shallow. And either way, you’ll probably grow and change as you wrestle with this small but significant concern in your relationship.

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Dear Stephen,

I know, I know, this is a cliche, but my husband forgot our anniversary and I’m pissed. The thing is, I’m not 100% sure he forgot, but on the day of the anniversary he showed up after work, went into his home office, and came out with a card. He’s got tons of stuff in the office, and I wouldn’t put it past him to have a stash of cards for those “Oh crap I forgot” moments he likes to have. Sorry if I sound crabby, but it’s really upsetting to me when he forgets. It means he doesn’t love me, and doesn’t care about us. But I feel like I can’t nag him about it because that’s all it will sound like–nagging. Plus, this all happened like three months ago, so it feels like I’d be petty if I brought it up now. What should I do?

Ignored in Illinois

Dear Ignored,

I like the alliteration in your advice-column name, but I suggest “Pissed in Peoria.” I’m not joking around–seriously, I think you’re mad, and I certainly understand why. But I encourage you to stay with that rather than focusing on the conclusions you’re jumping to (such as the belief that your husband is ignoring you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you). You’re mad because of these conclusions and beliefs, so at some point you’ll need to address them, but it helps to stay with yourself first, and focus on what you yourself can do about the problem.

Here’s what I would do: I would sit down with him and tell him what I really want to happen on anniversaries. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, and you’re probably right that he might feel defensive–and might even think you’re a nag! But you’re not. You just know what you want, and you’re getting that across to him. And be really detailed about it. Instead of saying, “I want you to be caring and respectful of me, and remember our anniversary,” say, “I want our anniversary to be really special, and for me that means dinner out, gifts, and time together, just the two of us.” You could then let him know that when this hasn’t happened in the past, you’ve felt angry and hurt. You know that those are your feelings, and that they’re based on the conclusions and beliefs you created in response to his behavior, but you understand that they are not facts.

If he gets defensive, hang in there. Your job is not to try and convict him in a kangaroo court where you’re the judge and he’s the hapless defendant. Even if he feels that way, it doesn’t have to be what’s really happening. Your job is simply to connect with your husband about your desires, and for that, you need to take your own desires seriously, own them, and extravert them to him. It may not sound romantic, and it may not sound fair. But all it really is is you taking the lead, from a mature stance, so that the anniversaries to come are joyous celebrations of your life together.

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Dear Stephen,

My partner recently asked me to move in with her. We’ve been dating for a couple of years now, so we get lots of jokes from our friends because we aren’t the stereotypical “U-Haul on the second date” lesbian couple. I think one of the reasons we’ve waited so long is that my partner has a cat and knows I’m highly allergic to cats. (And she simply adores her cat.) I’ve spent some time in her apartment and had allergic reactions, though they haven’t been really bad, probably because I don’t usually spend very much time there and she’s willing to stay over at my place most of the time. I really want to move in with her, but my allergy is a serious problem. My partner is trying to be cool about it, but I can see it annoys her that I’m letting my allergy stand in the way of our next step as a couple. I don’t want to ask her to get rid of the cat, but I’m really feeling that if the cat doesn’t go, I can’t move in. Help!

–Allergy Girl

Dear Allergy Girl,

It sounds like the two of you just need to have a good talk, and also do some research about the problem. First, the talk: tell your girlfriend that you’re worried that she is frustrated with you about this problem, and that if she is, you understand her frustration. Tell her you’re willing to work with her on the situation, but you also need her to meet you halfway. I found a book that addresses the issue in a balanced way (see the link below). In her book “The Natural Cat,” author Anitra Frazier discusses natural methods that truly help reduce allergic reactions. She encourages cat owners to feed their cats well and brush them often. I think it also helps to vacuum or sweep regularly, keep the air moving in the apartment, and generally be sensitive to the presence of the cat’s fur in the living space. In Frazier’s experience, healthy, well-brushed cats are far less allergenic. In addition, she encourages the person with the allergy to consider a shot or other treatments to minimize their symptoms. (This could be a true sign of love on your part!) If your reactions so far haven’t been severe, that might mean that your partner is already raising a healthy and happy cat, and that all she needs to do is increase the brushing. Cats (and dogs) also benefit from Omega-3 fish-oil supplements that improve the health of their skin and coat. Bottom line: if you’re both willing to make some changes and understand the concerns of the other, you should be okay. Again, see below for the link to a good book.

–Stephen

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