Dear Stephen,

Seven years ago my wife and I decided to get married and keep it a secret until we could have a proper wedding. However, I have a big mouth and it slipped out a few weeks later that we had gotten married. About six months later, I moved far away to be with my bride, and we see family about once a year. We haven’t been able to pull the money together to have that wedding, and our financial situation doesn’t allow us to plan one just yet. But I digress. My family is aware of our wedding date, but it seems that every year I have to remind them. It’s important to me that I’m married, and it hurts me that they cannot remember. This year I reminded my father subtly over the phone about a week before our anniversary, and then I sent my mother an email the day before to remind her, and asked her to call my wife on the day. She thanked me for reminding her and sent us an (ugh) e-card. My sister, who is in the process of planning her own wedding in November, completely forgot it. I can’t help but be upset, and I’m wondering if we have a right to be upset, given that we eloped. Thanks for your help.

—Quebec

Dear Quebec,

It might be a good idea to assume that your family is not intentionally ignoring your anniversary, but are simply not remembering it because they weren’t a part of the original event. Alternatively, as they move through the calendar of birthdays and anniversaries, they may simply not see it as one that you want commemorated, given that you eloped, which is a very private way to celebrate a marriage. Even if they are consciously expressing anger about your decision to elope, you may want to see this as understandable, even if it’s painful for you. You left them out of your special day: isn’t it reasonable that they might have some negative feelings about that?

I think the solution is to call them together—or meet with them one-on-one, which is also fine—and simply tell them that, though you decided to elope, you now want your family to be more involved in the annual celebration of your marriage. Tell them that you understand if they felt (or still feel) hurt by your decision to elope, and you’d be happy to listen if they’d like to share their feelings with you. And then tell them that you’re hoping to plan a modest, affordable celebration soon that officially welcomes everyone into your married life without busting your budget. In my opinion, it’s better to blow a bundle on a major anniversary, rather than the initial wedding: if you make it through 10, 20, or 25 years and still feel happy together, now that’s a cause for expensive celebration!

—Stephen

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Sometimes, when my own little advice column isn’t busy, I check out “Prudie” on slate.com. Here’s her latest post. I particularly liked how she responded to the reader who got into hot water with his wife and her sister. It’s a great example of dual relationships, triangles, and the general mess of trouble we all get into from time to time. I particularly like how Prudie handled the idea of spouses sharing confidences. There are times when it is—ahem—ABSOLUTELY WRONG to share certain things with your spouse (for example, someone else’s deeply private information that’s been entrusted to you for professional reasons, which is to say, the content of my daily work life!), but in family situations like the one described, Prudie’s right: the sister was being unreasonable and not respecting the jam she was putting her brother-in-law and sister into. (Oh, and Prudie’s right to agree with the reader that he behaved idiotically too!) It’s worth a read.

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Dear Stephen,

I have just about had it with my mother. I love her, I really do, but she keeps calling and can’t stop making what she calls “suggestions” about my life, my career, my relationship, my apartment, everything. And now that my fiancee and I are planning our wedding, Mom is turning into the Mother-Of-The-Groom-From-Hell. Don’t get me wrong, she has some good ideas, but I’m almost scared that she’s going to start giving us sex advice! It’s been like this all my life, but it’s getting to a point now where I just can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be estranged from my mother. I really don’t think I would even be capable of that. But this is intolerable. What should I do?

–Overmothered

Dear Overmothered,

I usually encourage people in your situation to take a two-pronged approach of intervention and acceptance. First, intervention: if you’re at a point where you’re frightened that your mother is about to muscle into your bedroom with sex tips, then the time is now to take action. Take the wedding planning, for example. I don’t know your mother, and you may think you’ve already tried this, but it often works to tell the person who’s meddling in your life that you understand–you really do–why she’s so involved in the wedding plans, but you need to take over most of the planning. It could sound like, “Mom, I’m so glad you’re excited about our wedding, and you’ve had some great ideas. But we’re going to take over the day-to-day planning because we have a vision for our wedding, and part of that vision includes us doing most of the work. We want to keep consulting you about some things, but we’re going to take the lead.”

I probably don’t have to tell you that the hardest part of this ‘intervention’ is following through with it, standing your ground when your mom resists, and even redoubles her efforts to command and control you. You might want to think of it this way: intervening with your mother is a major task of your life, a big part of your own emotional maturation. When you feel tempted to cave in to her, remind yourself how important it is for you to stand your ground.

Having said that, you can also be somewhat accepting of some of your mother’s behaviors. If she’s being intrusive but not obnoxiously so, you could try to get some perspective about it. Comedian Amy Borkowsky has a great attitude about her intrusive, eccentric mother. And if you’re intervening when the situation is truly serious, it’s a lot easier to laugh about the small stuff.

Remember, this is probably one of the biggest tasks in your life!

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