Dear Stephen,

My partner and I have been together for three years, and I’m worried that I’ve just about had enough. About a year ago, I got to know a new co-worker who became a good, close friend. Like me, he’s a gay man in a committed relationship. We have lunch together most days, and for a while we’d talk on the phone in the evening. I’ve stopped the phone calls, though, because my partner goes crazy when he finds out I’m communicating with my friend. I’ve never cheated on him, but he was hurt by someone in a previous relationship, and he says it’s “not natural” for two gay guys to be such close friends, and even if it is, it’s “inevitable” that we’ll end up together. My friend is interesting and attractive, but I can’t convince my partner that he has nothing to worry about. I don’t feel a romantic connection with my friend. And I’m not that guy. I’m not the guy who betrays someone he loves.

My partner has now started checking up on me. He got on my laptop and checked my emails, and when I confronted him with it he was defensive and angry, saying that he has to protect himself, so he’s justified in invading my privacy. He calls me and texts me dozens of times a day, asking where I am. I always tell him, but I’ve asked him to stop this and told him that if he doesn’t trust me, then I don’t know how we can make this work. That just makes him freak out even more. I don’t want to break up with him—I really do love him. But I can’t think of anything else to do at this point.

—Trustworthy, and Frustrated

Dear Trustworthy,

Your situation is a perfect example of a relationship that looks unbalanced: one person looks sane, the other looks neurotic. It sounds like your partner doesn’t know that his behavior is the surest way to drive you out of his life. But this isn’t the whole story. There are things you’re doing, and, more importantly, not doing that are supporting your partner’s unhealthy behavior. Here are some questions you’d do well to ask yourself:

First, if you’re actually trustworthy, then why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you? If you’re a good guy, why be with someone who thinks you’re a villain? People stay in unhappy relationships for lots of reasons—a sense of duty, to meet practical needs (like a shared mortgage), beliefs about love and commitment, inertia—but I’ll guess one of your big reasons for staying with your partner is that you’re afraid to step away from him. You’re afraid to say, “Bill, I love you, but I can’t be your partner if you don’t trust me to be faithful to you. We either need to work on this together, or we need to end the relationship.” You know that he’d freak out if you said this, but my bigger concern is that you also would freak out: you’d lose your nerve, or get pulled into a big fight, and then you’d both return to the status quo.

Second, if you’re actually trustworthy, why do you go along with your partner’s vigilant monitoring of you every day? This is really the same question as the one above, but on a smaller level. The Big Choice you could make is to tell your partner truthfully that either his behavior changes, or the relationship ends. Smaller choices—choices that put you on the path toward health and happiness, whether or not the relationship survives—are choices like not responding to his anxious texts, setting clear limits in your daily routine, and calmly letting him know that you’re tired of reporting to a probation officer for a crime you didn’t commit. Would your partner then break up with you? Maybe, but if so, that would probably be a good development in your life. If your partner responds in a healthy way, and the two of you finally begin to rebuild trust in your relationship, that would be great, but even then, your partner’s initial response to your limit-setting will probably be negative.

Third—and I know this is a very different way to look at this!—does your partner have a point? Lunch and phone calls every day with an attractive man who spends every workday with you? I can take you at your word that you’re not betraying your partner, and I have many close friends with whom I spend a lot of time each week, but is it possible that you’re giving this co-worker the time and attention you used to give to your partner? Are you straying from your partner, and, to use a strong word, abandoning your partner in a way that isn’t full-blown betrayal but nonetheless is quite significant? Maybe your partner needs to work on jealousy and hypervigilant behavior, but maybe you need to work on what you really want in your relationship, and whether you’re really being honest with yourself and your partner about that.

Through all of this, I hope you can see how your own fears are as much a barrier to your health and happiness as your partner’s behavior. Think of it this way: your partner, by behaving badly, is unconsciously (and unintentionally) challenging you to face your own fears and hang-ups. See it as your problem, and your own opportunity for self-development. You might lose the relationship, you might not. Either way, it’s a step forward in your own growth.

—Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I just found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, even though we’ve had what I thought was a non-open (that means closed!) relationship. I’m pretty upset about it…just the fact that he stepped out once was hard to hear, and then I found out that he’s also very into porn, and has been with lots of different guys over the course of our relationship. I don’t know if we’re going to make it, but I’m also really concerned about him and wonder if he needs an intervention or something. Is he a sex addict?

–Concerned and Upset

Dear Concerned,

I can’t tell you what’s going on with your boyfriend himself, since I haven’t met him, much less assessed what’s going on with him, but I can tell you my thoughts on sex addiction. First, you should know that the jury is still out on the question of whether “sex addiction” is a useful and ethical way to describe a person’s sexual problem. You are likely to find therapists and other medical professionals in your community who use the disease model of addiction to describe a person’s out-of-control sexual behaviors and habits, but you’ll also find therapists like me who won’t go that far. (For what it’s worth, the primary diagnostic manual in the field of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy–the DSM–is not considering “sex addiction” as an additional disorder in its next edition. There is simply not enough consensus about this in the field to warrant its inclusion in the official listing of ‘disorders.’)

There are problems with using a disease/addiction model when talking about a person’s sexuality. Unlike external substances like alcohol and drugs, sex is something that is fully integrated into our physical being. It’s a fundamental dimension of human sensation, human relationships, and human experience. It’s how we propogate the species, and it’s simply a major part of a natural human life on earth. If your boyfriend were thinking about joining a celibate religious order, he might want to discern with his superiors whether he truly wants to live a life in which his sexual behavior is highly constrained. But–and I think it’s safe to guess that he’s not interested in that!–outside of a context like that, his use of the addiction model to change his sexual behavior will have its limits. Unlike an alcoholic, your boyfriend would be striving for a sex life in which sex happens–perhaps on a daily basis–but happens in a context that is, in his own opinion, life-giving and healthy.

Having said that, the addiction model offers wisdom up to a point … wisdom that a person who believes s/he has sexual-behavior problems might like to know. For example, it might be helpful for that person to identify triggers of problematic behavior, or social contexts where it’s more likely to happen; and it may be a good idea to identify friends or companions who can help that person make healthier choices. These are tactics that lots of addicts use to maintain sobriety. But one doesn’t have to say, “I am a sexual addict,” to build a new sex life that is more in keeping with what they want.

You may have noticed that I’ve shifted the focus off your boyfriend and onto a general, non-specific person. That’s because, as interesting as your question is, I’m guessing it’s not the best question for you to ask right now. Your boyfriend is behaving in ways that upset you. Your boyfriend has done things that have harmed you emotionally. And–this is important!–your boyfriend has potentially put you at physical risk if the two of you have had sex while he was having sex with other people. Are you sure that both of you have been tested for sexually-transmitted infections? These questions are more worthy of your attention right now than your boyfriend’s need for a sexual treatment plan.

Take good care of yourself, ask your own questions first, and I think that whatever your boyfriend chooses to do, you’ll be in a better position.

–Stephen

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Sometimes, when my own little advice column isn’t busy, I check out “Prudie” on slate.com. Here’s her latest post. I particularly liked how she responded to the reader who got into hot water with his wife and her sister. It’s a great example of dual relationships, triangles, and the general mess of trouble we all get into from time to time. I particularly like how Prudie handled the idea of spouses sharing confidences. There are times when it is—ahem—ABSOLUTELY WRONG to share certain things with your spouse (for example, someone else’s deeply private information that’s been entrusted to you for professional reasons, which is to say, the content of my daily work life!), but in family situations like the one described, Prudie’s right: the sister was being unreasonable and not respecting the jam she was putting her brother-in-law and sister into. (Oh, and Prudie’s right to agree with the reader that he behaved idiotically too!) It’s worth a read.

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Dear Stephen,

I stumbled upon your website while searching the internet for advice and found your replies to others’ questions very interesting and helpful. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year. She’s been dealing with a death in the family recently, and I have tried to be supportive, wanting to have a relationship and get to know this woman while respecting the ups and downs of her family situation. I know the past few months have been a blur for her and she feels emotionally scattered. When I had a birthday recently, she gave me a sweet card and apologized for not getting me anything because she couldn’t think or plan anything during this tough time for her family. So I planned my own day and had a lovely time. Then, a few weeks later she told me she was looking for something for me for my birthday. This weekend we celebrated our anniversary and she drove us to a friend’s house and we had a lovely time. I planned meals and food for us because she felt she couldn’t plan anything yet since she was still coping with family problems. But then, during the weekend, we missed a mutual friend’s birthday and my partner wanted to make it up to her by planning a fancy birthday dinner with lots of courses. I started feeling angry and annoyed and jealous (and even more petty) that my partner wanted to do something special for a friend without having planned something special for us. Yes, for our anniversary she did drive us to a friend’s house, but I felt that I planned the whole thing and have been planning things for her for months. And the first time she is capable of planning something, I feel hurt because it’s not for me. Am I being crazy or selfish? Really petty? I’m trying to be understanding of my partner’s grief, but I am struggling to communicate (and to weigh) my own needs in the relationship. I would appreciate any advice.

–Trying to Be Supportive

Dear Trying,

If your partner is dealing with a death in the family, then you’re right to give her some latitude. A friend of mine has a good rule of thumb: depending on how significant the death is, the grieving person can reasonably expect to be out of sorts for up to a year. Though I am not Jewish, I appreciate the Jewish wisdom of a one-year grieving process (discussed here). We’re too quick in our culture to paper over our feelings and move forward, as if bereavement can really be wrapped up in a matter of days or weeks.

Having said that, your partner does not get a free pass out of behaving ethically in her relationships, and you do not need to suspend your own thoughts and feelings for a year. You get to feel resentful. I say this first of all because if you do feel resentful, there’s not much you can do about that. Feelings are like the weather: they come over you. You can control how you handle your feelings, but the feelings themselves just happen. It sounds like you feel resentful because your partner took a pass on your birthday (for the most part) and then decided to order up a full birthday special for your friend. This is not something you need to swallow.

You might want to have a sit-down with your partner. Tell her, first of all, that you understand that the grieving process is a serious thing, and that her grief honors the family member who died. Tell her you want to be supportive, and you understand that she’s been unable to do the usual “relationshippy” things, like planning a special birthday experience for you. You could even ask her if there’s anything further you could do (or not do) to help her during this time. And then tell her that for the sake of your relationship, you need to let her know that you were taken aback when she said she wanted to plan an event for your friend. Tell her you really struggled with this because you don’t want to sound petty, but you couldn’t help feeling stung by it.

It’s normal for couples to avoid these kinds of conversations. You don’t want to sound petty, or you don’t want to overburden the relationship with discussions about your expectations. But if you’re approaching your partner from a mature, sensitive, yet self-confident stance, she’ll most likely notice that. If you really don’t think you’re being petty, then you will effectively communicate to her that you love her, support her, and also expect your propers as her partner.

Someone I know said it this way to her partner: “If I’m your partner, then when the plane is going down, it’s my hand you’re holding.” It sounds like you want this kind of relationship—a relationship where each of you is #1 in the eyes of the other. Even if your partner is grieving, it’s not petty or crazy or selfish to ask for this.

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