Dear Stephen,

I am writing to ask your advice on being a partner to a transgendered person. My partner is a biowoman, and most of the time, dresses in “women’s” clothing, she has a “woman’s” haircut, uses female pronouns to refer to herself, and identifies sexually as a woman. However, she considers herself transgendered because she likes to wear pants and polo shirts, and do “manly” things that women don’t do. Therefore, she does not see herself fitting into the category of “woman.” I disagree with her on this count because I think that women can do all of the things she does and still be very much women. I myself do everything she does, sometimes in a skirt, sometimes in pants, and it has always been important to me that I do those things as a woman. It seems to me that she is buying into a highly limited view of what it means to be a woman that mostly involves being dainty, pretty, and not doing anything too strenuous. I am not sure that we will never agree on this one.

Aside from that, however, it is important to me to be supportive and accepting of her identity. I love her very much and this is an important part of who she is. I’ve read Judith Butler and Riki Wilchins, I’ve seen presentations, and talked with leaders in the transgendered community. But none of that makes it any easier to feel like I’m walking beside my partner when she puts on her binder and tells me that today she feels “manly.” To be honest, I am scared that she will wake up one morning and decide that she is not transgendered, but transsexual and I don’t know what I would do. I’d like to say that I would still love her and we would make our relationship work but I don’t think that is true. I do not want to be with a man, I want to be with a woman and I don’t know if I could have the same relationship with a man, even if he were a transman. I spent enough time dating men I wanted nothing to do with, and I don’t want to be pulled back into that place. She assures me that she is not transsexual, and I believe her, but I know that part of the journey is that people change and there’s no guarantee that she will not discover later than she is transsexual.

When she says that she feels “dykey” I want to be able to see her in that as much as she sees herself. When she wears a binder and men’s clothes, I want to feel like it’s her walking in the door and not a stranger. I have tried, but I’m out of ideas. I am sure that this is hard for me because I’m limiting myself in some way, but I can’t figure out how to get around it. So, I’m asking you: how do I let go of what I want my partner to be, and learn to see her in all of her forms?

Sincerely,

Blinded by Appearances

P.S. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for using female pronouns in your writing. It is not very common and I very much appreciate the inclusiveness.

Dear Blinded,

Thanks for your question, and you’re certainly welcome re: the female pronouns! One question I have for your partner is whether she also has consulted with anyone who identifies as a person in the transgender community. It sounds like you have done some research and discernment, whereas she has not. (And I might be mistaken about that, of course!) It might be a good idea for you both to speak to someone who can contextualize your partner’s experience and offer both of you advice from her/his transgender background. It’s possible that your partner is so earnest about breaking gender stereotypes that s/he truly does not identify fully with one gender orientation. If so, then it’s not a foregone conclusion that s/he will soon seek a full biological and socio-psychological transition. Either way, it’s only ethical for her to acknowledge your concerns and seek further advice and support for both of you. Since this issue is so deeply personal for her, and also has such a huge potential impact on you, it’s best if s/he takes your concerns seriously, and solicits the support you both need to discern what’s next for your relationship.

I hope this helps, and look forward to further communication from you if you have more questions. Take good care,

Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

I just found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, even though we’ve had what I thought was a non-open (that means closed!) relationship. I’m pretty upset about it…just the fact that he stepped out once was hard to hear, and then I found out that he’s also very into porn, and has been with lots of different guys over the course of our relationship. I don’t know if we’re going to make it, but I’m also really concerned about him and wonder if he needs an intervention or something. Is he a sex addict?

–Concerned and Upset

Dear Concerned,

I can’t tell you what’s going on with your boyfriend himself, since I haven’t met him, much less assessed what’s going on with him, but I can tell you my thoughts on sex addiction. First, you should know that the jury is still out on the question of whether “sex addiction” is a useful and ethical way to describe a person’s sexual problem. You are likely to find therapists and other medical professionals in your community who use the disease model of addiction to describe a person’s out-of-control sexual behaviors and habits, but you’ll also find therapists like me who won’t go that far. (For what it’s worth, the primary diagnostic manual in the field of psychiatry, psychology, and psychotherapy–the DSM–is not considering “sex addiction” as an additional disorder in its next edition. There is simply not enough consensus about this in the field to warrant its inclusion in the official listing of ‘disorders.’)

There are problems with using a disease/addiction model when talking about a person’s sexuality. Unlike external substances like alcohol and drugs, sex is something that is fully integrated into our physical being. It’s a fundamental dimension of human sensation, human relationships, and human experience. It’s how we propogate the species, and it’s simply a major part of a natural human life on earth. If your boyfriend were thinking about joining a celibate religious order, he might want to discern with his superiors whether he truly wants to live a life in which his sexual behavior is highly constrained. But–and I think it’s safe to guess that he’s not interested in that!–outside of a context like that, his use of the addiction model to change his sexual behavior will have its limits. Unlike an alcoholic, your boyfriend would be striving for a sex life in which sex happens–perhaps on a daily basis–but happens in a context that is, in his own opinion, life-giving and healthy.

Having said that, the addiction model offers wisdom up to a point … wisdom that a person who believes s/he has sexual-behavior problems might like to know. For example, it might be helpful for that person to identify triggers of problematic behavior, or social contexts where it’s more likely to happen; and it may be a good idea to identify friends or companions who can help that person make healthier choices. These are tactics that lots of addicts use to maintain sobriety. But one doesn’t have to say, “I am a sexual addict,” to build a new sex life that is more in keeping with what they want.

You may have noticed that I’ve shifted the focus off your boyfriend and onto a general, non-specific person. That’s because, as interesting as your question is, I’m guessing it’s not the best question for you to ask right now. Your boyfriend is behaving in ways that upset you. Your boyfriend has done things that have harmed you emotionally. And–this is important!–your boyfriend has potentially put you at physical risk if the two of you have had sex while he was having sex with other people. Are you sure that both of you have been tested for sexually-transmitted infections? These questions are more worthy of your attention right now than your boyfriend’s need for a sexual treatment plan.

Take good care of yourself, ask your own questions first, and I think that whatever your boyfriend chooses to do, you’ll be in a better position.

–Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

My daughter has a friend, let’s call her/him Kelly, and Kelly keeps telling my daughter that s/he is a boy. Kelly wears clothes that look like boy’s clothes, and has a haircut that makes her look boyish. My daughter accepts without question that Kelly is a boy. I like to think of myself as liberal and progressive, so I don’t want to overreact to this, and I actually smile when I think about my daughter being so accepting. But what should I do? When we talk about Kelly, should I refer to Kelly as “he” like my daughter does? Should I talk to the teacher, or Kelly’s parents, to see what I should do?

–Open-Minded Mom Who Worries About Stuff

Dear Open,

I smiled too when you told me about your daughter’s easy acceptance of Kelly’s gender-bending behaviors. And it’s nice of you to be concerned, to wonder what you should do about this problem…if it’s a problem. Here’s what I would do. First and foremost, or if all else fails, simply do nothing. It could be that Kelly is just experimenting with gender for one reason or another. Maybe her parents have liberated themselves from rigid gender roles and are deliberately trying to encourage their child to freely shape her own identity. They might be even more progressive than you! Whatever the case, it’s really not your affair.

But your own daughter is a different story. If you’re uncomfortable referring to Kelly as “he,” you could practice avoiding pronouns while allowing your daughter to say “he” and “him” all she wants. Or you could just go along with it. Kids try on lots of roles; as I’m sure you know, their identities are in flux. Trust your instinct that tells you not to pathologize Kelly and give your daughter lots of freedom to accept Kelly exactly as Kelly is. And, if you’re really interested or concerned about all of this, you could take this opportunity to talk with your daughter about gender. What’s a ‘girl’? What’s a ‘boy’? Your daughter will learn (whether you want her to or not!) that some people define gender only on the basis of sexual plumbing, but many others see gender as the complex, mysterious, and never-totally-understood phenomenon that it truly is.

Finally, you could learn more about the topic if you like. The link below might be a good book for you to learn more about sexuality and childhood.

Kelly is lucky that he has such a great friend in your daughter, and in you!

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