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Does my pre-schooler have a transgender friend?
Dear Stephen,
My daughter has a friend, let’s call her/him Kelly, and Kelly keeps telling my daughter that s/he is a boy. Kelly wears clothes that look like boy’s clothes, and has a haircut that makes her look boyish. My daughter accepts without question that Kelly is a boy. I like to think of myself as liberal and progressive, so I don’t want to overreact to this, and I actually smile when I think about my daughter being so accepting. But what should I do? When we talk about Kelly, should I refer to Kelly as “he” like my daughter does? Should I talk to the teacher, or Kelly’s parents, to see what I should do?
–Open-Minded Mom Who Worries About Stuff
Dear Open,
I smiled too when you told me about your daughter’s easy acceptance of Kelly’s gender-bending behaviors. And it’s nice of you to be concerned, to wonder what you should do about this problem…if it’s a problem. Here’s what I would do. First and foremost, or if all else fails, simply do nothing. It could be that Kelly is just experimenting with gender for one reason or another. Maybe her parents have liberated themselves from rigid gender roles and are deliberately trying to encourage their child to freely shape her own identity. They might be even more progressive than you! 
Whatever the case, it’s really not your affair.
But your own daughter is a different story. If you’re uncomfortable referring to Kelly as “he,” you could practice avoiding pronouns while allowing your daughter to say “he” and “him” all she wants. Or you could just go along with it. Kids try on lots of roles; as I’m sure you know, their identities are in flux. Trust your instinct that tells you not to pathologize Kelly and give your daughter lots of freedom to accept Kelly exactly as Kelly is. And, if you’re really interested or concerned about all of this, you could take this opportunity to talk with your daughter about gender. What’s a ‘girl’? What’s a ‘boy’? Your daughter will learn (whether you want her to or not!) that some people define gender only on the basis of sexual plumbing, but many others see gender as the complex, mysterious, and never-totally-understood phenomenon that it truly is.
Finally, you could learn more about the topic if you like. The link below might be a good book for you to learn more about sexuality and childhood.
Kelly is lucky that he has such a great friend in your daughter, and in you!
March 27th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Great advice! Thanks!
April 28th, 2009 at 12:30 am
You are joking, right? I mean, as a therapist you must know that sexuality and gender are two very different aspects of a persons identity, and that except in very few sad cases, pre-adolescent children are for the most part non-sexual. To promote a book that continues and furthers confusion about the difference between gender and sexuality only does a disservice to these kids. There are, however, some truly helpful books such as, “The Transgender Child”, by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper, Cleis Press, 2008.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Dear crash2,
You are joking, right? I mean, before you accused me of conflating the terms ‘sexuality’ and ‘gender,’ surely you took a look at the book I recommended and noticed that the author does nothing of the kind. On the contrary, she discusses how the terms are related, and she also takes the reader far beyond the simplistic (and decades-old) notion of childhood sexual ‘latency’ and offers an intelligent discussion of the many complexities of human sexuality, gender, and child development. But–thanks for your book recommendation. It looks interesting.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Hi Stephen,
I thought you had a great response to that mother’s concerns. I wonder, however, it is a simpler matter than a transgender child. Although much more popular as a girl’s name, Kelly can also be a boy’s name (like Ashley, Lindsay, Sherrill, or Marion). I have a good friend, a man, whose name is Kelly who loves to remind people of that. Having never met a boy Kelly before, it would be easy for someone to question his gender, but perhaps it is more assumption on the part of the mother than gender-bending on the part of the child.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
hi there, I didn’t know where to contact you but your layout looked messed up on firefox and IE. Anyways, i just suscribd to your rss.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Thanks so much! I will tell my webmaster. Thanks for your interest in my blog, and have a great weekend!