I know I’m shallow, but my partner bugs me
Dear Stephen,
You’ll probably think I’m the shallowest person ever to ask you for advice, but I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve been with my partner for four years now, which I think is a long time. I’m happy with him, and he’s happy with me (or so he tells me), and he’s a really great guy. He’s sexy too. We have a great life together. But… he has this little mannerism. He closes his eyes a lot when he’s talking, which I know is just something he does for no real reason, but it’s hard not to think that he’s being haughty when he does it. I feel dumb writing this out. I should be grateful to have such a great person in my life, right? But lately I’ve been focusing on it more. It’s starting to really eat at me. Since it’s been a few years, we’ve been talking about taking the next step, which for us can’t be marriage but domestic partnership (thanks for nothing, state of Washington). How can I get past this pet peeve?
–Shamefully Shallow
Dear Shamefully,
I’m glad you screwed up the courage to ask me about this, even though at first glance it does seem like one of those Seinfeld kinds of problems. Take it easy on yourself: this kind of thing is normal in even the healthiest relationships. I’d say you have a couple of options. First, depending on the level of comfort and everyday honesty in your relationship, you could actually bring it up to him, and in a way that is relaxed and self-deprecating. Something like, “Honey, you know I love you more than my luggage, but what *is* it with you closing your eyes when you talk?” He may not even know he does it. If you bring it up to him, what’s the worst that can happen? He might blush, or be irritated with you, or take offense. He might get self-conscious about it. It could even lead to a disagreement, or a fight. But it could also be an opportunity for your relationship to go to the next level. It’s one of those smaller, everyday risks that can improve your intimacy and openness together. And the upside is that he could find it amusing, understand your little concern, and be a big boy about it.
Another option: do nothing, and when he closes his eyes, take it as an opportunity to focus on something else, or listen more carefully to what he’s saying. Breathe deeply, take a long drink of water, and try to direct your attention to other things. Tell yourself that it’s not a big deal, and that it’s distracting you from the heart and soul of your relationship.
Either way, it’s better to do something like these options rather than struggling with it under the assumption that you’re being shallow. And either way, you’ll probably grow and change as you wrestle with this small but significant concern in your relationship.
