NOTE: This blog is no longer being updated. Go to http://www.stephencrippen.com/blog for the latest posts from Stephen Crippen.
“My husband forgot our anniversary”
Dear Stephen,
I know, I know, this is a cliche, but my husband forgot our anniversary and I’m pissed. The thing is, I’m not 100% sure he forgot, but on the day of the anniversary he showed up after work, went into his home office, and came out with a card. He’s got tons of stuff in the office, and I wouldn’t put it past him to have a stash of cards for those “Oh crap I forgot” moments he likes to have. Sorry if I sound crabby, but it’s really upsetting to me when he forgets. It means he doesn’t love me, and doesn’t care about us. But I feel like I can’t nag him about it because that’s all it will sound like–nagging. Plus, this all happened like three months ago, so it feels like I’d be petty if I brought it up now. What should I do?
Ignored in Illinois
Dear Ignored,
I like the alliteration in your advice-column name, but I suggest “Pissed in Peoria.” I’m not joking around–seriously, I think you’re mad, and I certainly understand why. But I encourage you to stay with that rather than focusing on the conclusions you’re jumping to (such as the belief that your husband is ignoring you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you). You’re mad because of these conclusions and beliefs, so at some point you’ll need to address them, but it helps to stay with yourself first, and focus on what you yourself can do about the problem.
Here’s what I would do: I would sit down with him and tell him what I really want to happen on anniversaries. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, and you’re probably right that he might feel defensive–and might even think you’re a nag! But you’re not. You just know what you want, and you’re getting that across to him. And be really detailed about it. Instead of saying, “I want you to be caring and respectful of me, and remember our anniversary,” say, “I want our anniversary to be really special, and for me that means dinner out, gifts, and time together, just the two of us.” You could then let him know that when this hasn’t happened in the past, you’ve felt angry and hurt. You know that those are your feelings, and that they’re based on the conclusions and beliefs you created in response to his behavior, but you understand that they are not facts.
If he gets defensive, hang in there. Your job is not to try and convict him in a kangaroo court where you’re the judge and he’s the hapless defendant. Even if he feels that way, it doesn’t have to be what’s really happening. Your job is simply to connect with your husband about your desires, and for that, you need to take your own desires seriously, own them, and extravert them to him. It may not sound romantic, and it may not sound fair. But all it really is is you taking the lead, from a mature stance, so that the anniversaries to come are joyous celebrations of your life together.
February 12th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
What if you did all the above for years, and he still ignores you?
February 12th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Amy, then if it were me, I would challenge you to look at the reasons why you are accepting a relationship dynamic that is so upsetting for you. I would share with you the belief that his behaviors are a problem, but I would ask you think about the possibility that they’re not your biggest problem… Another way to say it: when your partner is upsetting you, that might mean your partner is (unwittingly) giving you an opportunity to grow and develop in your own life. Does that make sense?
June 22nd, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Today June 22nd 2011 is our 10th Anniversary. My husband can barely remember it. It’s not the first time he forgot a special date. Last Mother’s day he forgot too, and he remembered to call his Mother but he just ignored me the whole day, not even a flower from the backyard. I am a stupid romantic, and I really suffer when he ignored o forgot this very important dates, but I don’t feel that I have to remind him, because then it has no value at all. I am not specting jewerly or an expensive dinner, but at least a kiss, a huge. I am more convienced every day that he is not for me. We are so different in many aspects that scared me.
Anyway I am not a cold woman, I am warm, romantic, faithful, too stupid taking care of a cold husband, cooking for him, iroining his clothes, cleaning the house, and having sex by his request because he doesn’t even look for me to please me, he only look for him having sex… I am 50 years old, but I feel like my life is over. Unhappy Anniversary to me
November 24th, 2011 at 4:26 am
Wow. It’s my ten year anniversary and my hubby also forgot. I’m only 26 (together ten years) I’m pregnant with our third child and if I was feeling depressed before I read the above comment it’s nothing to how I feel now. That’s gonna be me when I’m 50. It’s not a deal-breaker, so I’ll stay with my husband, but it’ll be something I’ll always miss… Romance, affection, appreciation. *sigh*
December 9th, 2011 at 12:28 am
Today is our 10th Anniversary. I gave him hints this afternoon and he wished me Happy Anniversary. That’s about it.. I planned a romantic dinner and treated him to a wonderful dinner. But he never got me a flower or a card. When I mentioned it he says – it is another day.. just like any day.. I am so upset and have been crying for hours.. He does this every year. Last year, I shared my concern with him and told him what I expect.. to be more caring and remember just this day (forget birthday and mothers and any other day) but Anniversary is the day god brought us together.. He forgets again.. I know he loves me.. but why doesn’t he give importance to this special day?
January 10th, 2012 at 1:12 pm
Last weekend was our 15th anniversary. Last summer I suggested we skip summer vacation and plan a 15th anniversary January trip to someplace warm. He wasn’t too thrilled with the idea and kept putting it off until it was too late. I was disappointed but not upset until our anniverary came and he didn’t even bother to get me a card, something he had never done on prior anniversaries. He ended up having to work late that day, uderstandable but knowing how I wanted to make our 15th so special, I had hoped for a little something out of him and got NOTHING. He felt bad when I handed him a card about 9:00 that night and he had nothing for me. He knew I was upset and he tried to hug me but I turned away asked him if he forgot (which I would have preferred to hear) and he said no, he thought about it earlier but never got around to it. He got me a card and candy the next day and said we could go out to dinner sometime this week but for me the moment has passed and I have no intentions of having an “afterthought” anniversary night out with him this week …is it wrong to feel this way?
January 10th, 2012 at 2:53 pm
It’s certainly not wrong to feel this way! I suggest you tell him that this is really important to you, and that unless you two can make a good repair, it’s going to be very hard to go forward with a happy marriage. It’s things like this that can really poison the waters downstream… What you want here is quite reasonable!