My mother is driving me crazy
Dear Stephen,
I have just about had it with my mother. I love her, I really do, but she keeps calling and can’t stop making what she calls “suggestions” about my life, my career, my relationship, my apartment, everything. And now that my fiancee and I are planning our wedding, Mom is turning into the Mother-Of-The-Groom-From-Hell. Don’t get me wrong, she has some good ideas, but I’m almost scared that she’s going to start giving us sex advice! It’s been like this all my life, but it’s getting to a point now where I just can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be estranged from my mother. I really don’t think I would even be capable of that. But this is intolerable. What should I do?
–Overmothered
Dear Overmothered,
I usually encourage people in your situation to take a two-pronged approach of intervention and acceptance. First, intervention: if you’re at a point where you’re frightened that your mother is about to muscle into your bedroom with sex tips, then the time is now to take action. Take the wedding planning, for example. I don’t know your mother, and you may think you’ve already tried this, but it often works to tell the person who’s meddling in your life that you understand–you really do–why she’s so involved in the wedding plans, but you need to take over most of the planning. It could sound like, “Mom, I’m so glad you’re excited about our wedding, and you’ve had some great ideas. But we’re going to take over the day-to-day planning because we have a vision for our wedding, and part of that vision includes us doing most of the work. We want to keep consulting you about some things, but we’re going to take the lead.”
I probably don’t have to tell you that the hardest part of this ‘intervention’ is following through with it, standing your ground when your mom resists, and even redoubles her efforts to command and control you. You might want to think of it this way: intervening with your mother is a major task of your life, a big part of your own emotional maturation. When you feel tempted to cave in to her, remind yourself how important it is for you to stand your ground.
Having said that, you can also be somewhat accepting of some of your mother’s behaviors. If she’s being intrusive but not obnoxiously so, you could try to get some perspective about it. Comedian Amy Borkowsky has a great attitude about her intrusive, eccentric mother. And if you’re intervening when the situation is truly serious, it’s a lot easier to laugh about the small stuff.
Remember, this is probably one of the biggest tasks in your life!
