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My wife won’t go to counseling. What should I do?
Dear Stephen,
My wife is depressed. Honest. I mean it. And she will not go to counseling. I’m no expert, but I think it’s post-partum depression. (Our daughter is about six months old.) My wife has become someone completely different…angry, resentful, tearful, hostile. When I tell her she should talk to someone, she just blows up. She says I don’t understand, no one would understand, and what good would a counselor do anyway? And she insists that it’s my problem, that she doesn’t even need counseling. “Maybe you’re the crazy one,” she says. “Have you ever thought of that?!” And maybe I am crazy. But if I am, it’s because the person I love is in a lot of pain, she won’t get help, and I’m running out of answers. What should I do?
Troubled in Tacoma
Dear Troubled,
Let me be clear about this: your wife would benefit from counseling. And so would you. And so would I. And so would anyone driving up and down I-5 right now. And so would Barack Obama. And so would… Well, you get the idea. One way to get past the “Do I need counseling??” question is to simply say that everyone could use it, everyone could benefit from it. None of us has arrived at nirvana. (Or at least no one I know.) So I suggest thinking of it this way: your wife doesn’t need a straight jacket and an inpatient hospital stay. She just needs to talk to another human being, get it out, get heard, express her deepest questions, and maybe even get an answer or two.
She worries that the counselor wouldn’t understand, and you know, she’s right to worry about things like that. Counselors often don’t understand. That doesn’t mean they can’t help her, however. If she can get past her initial irritation that the other person is a step behind, she can then express herself more clearly–more deeply–and her counselor will then be able to understand, and communicate that understanding to her. Sometimes, in fact, it helps when the other person–a trained professional, no less!–doesn’t understand right away. It would let your wife know that she is really packing a punch these days. It might even get her to look with compassion not only on you, but also upon herself.
But having said all that, I’m mindful that it is you, not she, who is reading these words. So here’s something you can consider doing: you could decide to talk to a counselor yourself, and tell your wife about it. You could say, “Honey, I want you to know that I am going to meet with a counselor for a few sessions. I want to talk about what’s going on for me right now, but also what’s going on with us, and to be honest, with you. I’m really worried about you, and even a little scared. And I know it makes you mad when I say things like that, but there it is. I just don’t think I can handle all of this by myself. If you like, I won’t tell you what my counselor says and does, but I’m happy to answer any questions you have about it, now or in the future…” Your wife may get angry with you about this. (Might?! you’re probably saying to me right now.) But remember what I said above–that everyone, including me, benefits from counseling. You really could find a way to cope better with your wife’s problems, and you never know: if she sees you seeing someone–you, a person she knows and loves–she might relax enough to set something up for herself.
Hang in there, and don’t go it alone!
–Stephen
