Dear Stephen,

I am having a difficulty with my partner; it appears to be a very minor and silly complaint on the surface but I think it has a lot more meaning for us. The basic issue is that my partner travels a lot and has a thing about taking cabs. Not really a phobia, more of a discomfort about hygiene and the potential for offensive or uncomfortable conversation (which really does seem to happen quite often). His company pays for the service but he would prefer me to take him. I do not like driving him to the airport. It is just not pleasant. He asks me, “What is the big deal?” I find this difficult to answer; but I guess the big deal is that I just don’t want to and that I do not care enough about his discomfort with cabs to overcome that. In the past I have taken him out of guilt because I feel like it should not be an issue for me. But now I am trying to be honest with myself and him so as to avoid being upset and causing fights. Sometimes I will take him to the airport and be really rude and unpleasant. At other times I have taken him out of sincerity and it has been pleasant for both of us, but this is quite rare. I am confused as to whether I need to overcome my distaste for driving him to the airport or if I need to not care about his dislike for taking cabs. If you have any suggestions as to how to deal with this I would greatly appreciate it!

Taxi Dog

Dear Taxi,

So the thing is, I don’t like cheese.

(Bear with me. This really is about you!)

But as I said, I don’t like cheese. Or at least I don’t like it in most of its forms, particularly when you can see the rot–sorry, the “flavorful color” such as you’d find in blue cheese. But my partner is a marvelous cook, and my partner loves cheese, and is often puzzled (and sometimes frustrated) when I express my distaste for curdled milk nast–sorry, cheese. It’s a similar situation to yours, which is why I bring it up. Be assured: this is happening to you not because you’re petty, but because in any relationship–all relationships–it is inevitable that the couple will bump into each other like this.

Here’s the breakdown: 1) partner A has a preference; 2) that preference bumps up against partner B’s preferences and/or lifestyle; 3) partner B isn’t sure how seriously to take partner A’s preference, or how seriously to take his own way of doing things. What’s partner B to do? I think there are at least two healthy options:

First, think about healthy pushback. Specifically, you could communicate to your partner that while you understand his dilemma, you are not willing to do this particular relationship behavior (picking him up at the airport). If you take this tack, you’ll notice immediately a lot of cultural pressure–most of it inside yourself–that says, “You’re being petty. Come on! It’s just picking him up at the airport. Everybody does it! Don’t be selfish!” But it can be a healthy choice to resist that pressure. It can actually be a gift to your partner, because you are making your choice–a choice that does not relieve him of his problem, and flies in the face of conventional wisdom about relationships–under the assumption that he’s a big kid who can solve his problems in other ways, and you’re both big kids who can enjoy intimacy, trust, and happiness together without slavishly adhering to cultural expectations. Basically, if you’re doing healthy pushback, you’re deciding that you will not pick him up at the airport unless you want to give the favor to him freely as a gift. You are resisting the dull pressure of duty and guilt, and you are expecting that both you and your partner can adjust to this unconventional but self-assured behavior.

Second, you could go in the other direction completely–but in a healthy way. You could notice your resistance, and creatively choose to disregard it, telling yourself that you want to open up to your partner and accommodate him more than you want to stand your ground on this issue. You could make meaning of your resistance as just that–resistance–and say to yourself, “I am choosing purposely to disregard my impulse to push back. I am opening myself up to my partner, as a gift to him but also to myself.” The gift to him is fairly obvious: he gets a ride home, and he gets the even more valuable gift of a partner who is creatively (not anxiously or guiltily) saying Yes to his vision for the relationship–or at least his vision for airport transportation. But the gift to yourself is also significant: you are opening yourself up to the reality and worldview of another person, in this small way (but most of the specific things we do to change and grow in relationships are fairly small). Opening up like this is–like healthy pushback–an opportunity for growth.

Either way, try to look at it–and carry it out–as a positive, intentional decision on your part, not a decision born of guilt, fear, or resentment.

Meanwhile, I’ll think about opening up to eating more cheese!

–Stephen

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 at 3:29 pm and is filed under couples. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.