Dear Stephen,

I am having a difficulty with my partner; it appears to be a very minor and silly complaint on the surface but I think it has a lot more meaning for us. The basic issue is that my partner travels a lot and has a thing about taking cabs. Not really a phobia, more of a discomfort about hygiene and the potential for offensive or uncomfortable conversation (which really does seem to happen quite often). His company pays for the service but he would prefer me to take him. I do not like driving him to the airport. It is just not pleasant. He asks me, “What is the big deal?” I find this difficult to answer; but I guess the big deal is that I just don’t want to and that I do not care enough about his discomfort with cabs to overcome that. In the past I have taken him out of guilt because I feel like it should not be an issue for me. But now I am trying to be honest with myself and him so as to avoid being upset and causing fights. Sometimes I will take him to the airport and be really rude and unpleasant. At other times I have taken him out of sincerity and it has been pleasant for both of us, but this is quite rare. I am confused as to whether I need to overcome my distaste for driving him to the airport or if I need to not care about his dislike for taking cabs. If you have any suggestions as to how to deal with this I would greatly appreciate it!

Taxi Dog

Dear Taxi,

So the thing is, I don’t like cheese.

(Bear with me. This really is about you!)

But as I said, I don’t like cheese. Or at least I don’t like it in most of its forms, particularly when you can see the rot–sorry, the “flavorful color” such as you’d find in blue cheese. But my partner is a marvelous cook, and my partner loves cheese, and is often puzzled (and sometimes frustrated) when I express my distaste for curdled milk nast–sorry, cheese. It’s a similar situation to yours, which is why I bring it up. Be assured: this is happening to you not because you’re petty, but because in any relationship–all relationships–it is inevitable that the couple will bump into each other like this.

Here’s the breakdown: 1) partner A has a preference; 2) that preference bumps up against partner B’s preferences and/or lifestyle; 3) partner B isn’t sure how seriously to take partner A’s preference, or how seriously to take his own way of doing things. What’s partner B to do? I think there are at least two healthy options:

First, think about healthy pushback. Specifically, you could communicate to your partner that while you understand his dilemma, you are not willing to do this particular relationship behavior (picking him up at the airport). If you take this tack, you’ll notice immediately a lot of cultural pressure–most of it inside yourself–that says, “You’re being petty. Come on! It’s just picking him up at the airport. Everybody does it! Don’t be selfish!” But it can be a healthy choice to resist that pressure. It can actually be a gift to your partner, because you are making your choice–a choice that does not relieve him of his problem, and flies in the face of conventional wisdom about relationships–under the assumption that he’s a big kid who can solve his problems in other ways, and you’re both big kids who can enjoy intimacy, trust, and happiness together without slavishly adhering to cultural expectations. Basically, if you’re doing healthy pushback, you’re deciding that you will not pick him up at the airport unless you want to give the favor to him freely as a gift. You are resisting the dull pressure of duty and guilt, and you are expecting that both you and your partner can adjust to this unconventional but self-assured behavior.

Second, you could go in the other direction completely–but in a healthy way. You could notice your resistance, and creatively choose to disregard it, telling yourself that you want to open up to your partner and accommodate him more than you want to stand your ground on this issue. You could make meaning of your resistance as just that–resistance–and say to yourself, “I am choosing purposely to disregard my impulse to push back. I am opening myself up to my partner, as a gift to him but also to myself.” The gift to him is fairly obvious: he gets a ride home, and he gets the even more valuable gift of a partner who is creatively (not anxiously or guiltily) saying Yes to his vision for the relationship–or at least his vision for airport transportation. But the gift to yourself is also significant: you are opening yourself up to the reality and worldview of another person, in this small way (but most of the specific things we do to change and grow in relationships are fairly small). Opening up like this is–like healthy pushback–an opportunity for growth.

Either way, try to look at it–and carry it out–as a positive, intentional decision on your part, not a decision born of guilt, fear, or resentment.

Meanwhile, I’ll think about opening up to eating more cheese!

–Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

You’ll probably think I’m the shallowest person ever to ask you for advice, but I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve been with my partner for four years now, which I think is a long time. I’m happy with him, and he’s happy with me (or so he tells me), and he’s a really great guy. He’s sexy too. We have a great life together. But… he has this little mannerism. He closes his eyes a lot when he’s talking, which I know is just something he does for no real reason, but it’s hard not to think that he’s being haughty when he does it. I feel dumb writing this out. I should be grateful to have such a great person in my life, right? But lately I’ve been focusing on it more. It’s starting to really eat at me. Since it’s been a few years, we’ve been talking about taking the next step, which for us can’t be marriage but domestic partnership (thanks for nothing, state of Washington). How can I get past this pet peeve?

–Shamefully Shallow

Dear Shamefully,

I’m glad you screwed up the courage to ask me about this, even though at first glance it does seem like one of those Seinfeld kinds of problems. Take it easy on yourself: this kind of thing is normal in even the healthiest relationships. I’d say you have a couple of options. First, depending on the level of comfort and everyday honesty in your relationship, you could actually bring it up to him, and in a way that is relaxed and self-deprecating. Something like, “Honey, you know I love you more than my luggage, but what *is* it with you closing your eyes when you talk?” He may not even know he does it. If you bring it up to him, what’s the worst that can happen? He might blush, or be irritated with you, or take offense. He might get self-conscious about it. It could even lead to a disagreement, or a fight. But it could also be an opportunity for your relationship to go to the next level. It’s one of those smaller, everyday risks that can improve your intimacy and openness together. And the upside is that he could find it amusing, understand your little concern, and be a big boy about it.

Another option: do nothing, and when he closes his eyes, take it as an opportunity to focus on something else, or listen more carefully to what he’s saying. Breathe deeply, take a long drink of water, and try to direct your attention to other things. Tell yourself that it’s not a big deal, and that it’s distracting you from the heart and soul of your relationship.

Either way, it’s better to do something like these options rather than struggling with it under the assumption that you’re being shallow. And either way, you’ll probably grow and change as you wrestle with this small but significant concern in your relationship.

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Dear Stephen,

I know, I know, this is a cliche, but my husband forgot our anniversary and I’m pissed. The thing is, I’m not 100% sure he forgot, but on the day of the anniversary he showed up after work, went into his home office, and came out with a card. He’s got tons of stuff in the office, and I wouldn’t put it past him to have a stash of cards for those “Oh crap I forgot” moments he likes to have. Sorry if I sound crabby, but it’s really upsetting to me when he forgets. It means he doesn’t love me, and doesn’t care about us. But I feel like I can’t nag him about it because that’s all it will sound like–nagging. Plus, this all happened like three months ago, so it feels like I’d be petty if I brought it up now. What should I do?

Ignored in Illinois

Dear Ignored,

I like the alliteration in your advice-column name, but I suggest “Pissed in Peoria.” I’m not joking around–seriously, I think you’re mad, and I certainly understand why. But I encourage you to stay with that rather than focusing on the conclusions you’re jumping to (such as the belief that your husband is ignoring you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you). You’re mad because of these conclusions and beliefs, so at some point you’ll need to address them, but it helps to stay with yourself first, and focus on what you yourself can do about the problem.

Here’s what I would do: I would sit down with him and tell him what I really want to happen on anniversaries. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, and you’re probably right that he might feel defensive–and might even think you’re a nag! But you’re not. You just know what you want, and you’re getting that across to him. And be really detailed about it. Instead of saying, “I want you to be caring and respectful of me, and remember our anniversary,” say, “I want our anniversary to be really special, and for me that means dinner out, gifts, and time together, just the two of us.” You could then let him know that when this hasn’t happened in the past, you’ve felt angry and hurt. You know that those are your feelings, and that they’re based on the conclusions and beliefs you created in response to his behavior, but you understand that they are not facts.

If he gets defensive, hang in there. Your job is not to try and convict him in a kangaroo court where you’re the judge and he’s the hapless defendant. Even if he feels that way, it doesn’t have to be what’s really happening. Your job is simply to connect with your husband about your desires, and for that, you need to take your own desires seriously, own them, and extravert them to him. It may not sound romantic, and it may not sound fair. But all it really is is you taking the lead, from a mature stance, so that the anniversaries to come are joyous celebrations of your life together.

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Dear Stephen,

My partner recently asked me to move in with her. We’ve been dating for a couple of years now, so we get lots of jokes from our friends because we aren’t the stereotypical “U-Haul on the second date” lesbian couple. I think one of the reasons we’ve waited so long is that my partner has a cat and knows I’m highly allergic to cats. (And she simply adores her cat.) I’ve spent some time in her apartment and had allergic reactions, though they haven’t been really bad, probably because I don’t usually spend very much time there and she’s willing to stay over at my place most of the time. I really want to move in with her, but my allergy is a serious problem. My partner is trying to be cool about it, but I can see it annoys her that I’m letting my allergy stand in the way of our next step as a couple. I don’t want to ask her to get rid of the cat, but I’m really feeling that if the cat doesn’t go, I can’t move in. Help!

–Allergy Girl

Dear Allergy Girl,

It sounds like the two of you just need to have a good talk, and also do some research about the problem. First, the talk: tell your girlfriend that you’re worried that she is frustrated with you about this problem, and that if she is, you understand her frustration. Tell her you’re willing to work with her on the situation, but you also need her to meet you halfway. I found a book that addresses the issue in a balanced way (see the link below). In her book “The Natural Cat,” author Anitra Frazier discusses natural methods that truly help reduce allergic reactions. She encourages cat owners to feed their cats well and brush them often. I think it also helps to vacuum or sweep regularly, keep the air moving in the apartment, and generally be sensitive to the presence of the cat’s fur in the living space. In Frazier’s experience, healthy, well-brushed cats are far less allergenic. In addition, she encourages the person with the allergy to consider a shot or other treatments to minimize their symptoms. (This could be a true sign of love on your part!) If your reactions so far haven’t been severe, that might mean that your partner is already raising a healthy and happy cat, and that all she needs to do is increase the brushing. Cats (and dogs) also benefit from Omega-3 fish-oil supplements that improve the health of their skin and coat. Bottom line: if you’re both willing to make some changes and understand the concerns of the other, you should be okay. Again, see below for the link to a good book.

–Stephen

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My advice column has been a little slow lately. (Maybe it’s the weather…most people are too hot to think about interpersonal problems!) As I wait for my own mail, I’ll recommend an online advice columnist I like. I’ve linked to her before, but she’s worth another look: Emily Yoffe, a.k.a. Prudence (or “Prudie”), the advice columnist for slate.com. Here’s her latest column.

Prudie sometimes rubs me the wrong way. She can be a little rough on people. But for the most part her thoughts are insightful, and I resonate with her moderate but firm take on things. For example, she corresponded recently with a group of office workers who pitched in for an expensive baby-shower gift for a co-worker, and felt miffed when they didn’t receive thank-you notes from her. I agree with Prudie: someone should tell the co-worker how her colleagues feel, and encourage her to acknowledge their generosity. Later in the column, another reader writes Prudie to say that if the co-workers were really giving a gift, they wouldn’t expect to be thanked. That sounds good: I often think that what people call “gifts” are really economic transactions, social behaviors that are performed precisely because they are reciprocal. Even so, a thank-you card is always, always, always a good idea. Whether you’re late or not, and whether you think you need to or not, you can’t go wrong when you drop someone a note that says “thank you.” And if you’re a co-worker who just wants a little gratitude, that’s not out of line.

Anyway, Prudie’s pretty good. Check her out!

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Dear Stephen,

I’ve been with my partner for almost four years. Last year, he lost his job, and since then he’s really been letting himself go. He had a good severence package, so he spent almost six months not working…and eating. I think he’s probably gained at least 20 pounds. He has a job now, but if anything he’s just gained more weight since going back to work. Our sex life has dwindled to nothing, though it hasn’t been all that terrific for the last two or three years anyway. Sometimes he talks about his weight and asks me unanswerable questions like, “Do you think I’m fat?” and I’m sure he would be horribly offended if I said yes. Thoughts?

–Not a Chubby Chaser

Dear Chaser,

Your signature is colorful, but is it also a little snarky? I ask because it sounds quite a bit less concerned and compassionate than your letter. I’m not saying this is a bad thing–you get to think and feel however you like–but if you’re like a lot of people in this situation, there are a few things you should know.

First, your partner probably knows you’re not attracted to him, and even knows about your impatience. He may be aware (consciously or not) that you find his body unattractive, and that you’re blaming him for your poor sex life, even though it was not going well when he was in good shape. It’s likely you’re both pretending that his weight hasn’t changed, pretending that it’s not a problem, and mutually agreeing that it would be wrong or shallow of you to make your feelings known. Finally, you both probably share the opinion that his body is unattractive right now.

Consider saying yes the next time he asks you if you think he’s fat. After all, it’s true. You do think that. And follow it up with an honest discussion about it. You could say something like, “Yes, I did notice that you gained weight, and I am concerned about it. I’m concerned because of your health, but also because I don’t think either of us feel comfortable with it. If you’re concerned about it and want to work on it, is there anything I can do to help you and support you?”

Your partner might take great offense at this. He may say, “Well if you don’t love me as I am, then maybe we shouldn’t be together!” or some other retort. But this is a red herring. When a person goes on the defense, most of the time he’s defensive because on some level he knows you’ve touched on a truth, on something he himself knows is a problem. So hang in there when he gets defensive. Respond with comments such as, “I know this is hard for you, but I would be disrespecting you if I lied to you just to protect your feelings.” And try to stay present with him emotionally. Don’t be snarky or dismissive, and try not to get sucked into a fight.

Finally, about the sex issue: this could be an opportunity for you to take some ownership of the problem so that your partner can confront himself about his weight without thinking that his weight alone is the reason you’re not having sex. You could say, “You know, our sex life was lousy long before you put on weight, so obviously both of us could learn a few things about sex, and how to be better at it. I know I’ve got some issues to work on…” If you’re honest with him about your own hang-ups, you’ll make it easier for him to relax and address the weight issue nondefensively.

One last note: try not to feel hopeless about the situation. Lots of people successfully lose weight (and keep it off) when they get serious about it, and particularly when their partner is supportive. And–believe me or not, but this is true!–if your partner is actually fully comfortable with his heavier weight and has no intention of losing pounds, he could actually become sexually attractive to you again. There are lots of heavier people who carry their weight well, and because they are comfortable with themselves, they’re sexually attractive. (And it works the other way: slender people who anxiously obsess about their weight can be pretty unattractive…) I don’t know which path your partner will choose, but your own courage and honesty will really help.

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Dear Stephen,

I have just about had it with my mother. I love her, I really do, but she keeps calling and can’t stop making what she calls “suggestions” about my life, my career, my relationship, my apartment, everything. And now that my fiancee and I are planning our wedding, Mom is turning into the Mother-Of-The-Groom-From-Hell. Don’t get me wrong, she has some good ideas, but I’m almost scared that she’s going to start giving us sex advice! It’s been like this all my life, but it’s getting to a point now where I just can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be estranged from my mother. I really don’t think I would even be capable of that. But this is intolerable. What should I do?

–Overmothered

Dear Overmothered,

I usually encourage people in your situation to take a two-pronged approach of intervention and acceptance. First, intervention: if you’re at a point where you’re frightened that your mother is about to muscle into your bedroom with sex tips, then the time is now to take action. Take the wedding planning, for example. I don’t know your mother, and you may think you’ve already tried this, but it often works to tell the person who’s meddling in your life that you understand–you really do–why she’s so involved in the wedding plans, but you need to take over most of the planning. It could sound like, “Mom, I’m so glad you’re excited about our wedding, and you’ve had some great ideas. But we’re going to take over the day-to-day planning because we have a vision for our wedding, and part of that vision includes us doing most of the work. We want to keep consulting you about some things, but we’re going to take the lead.”

I probably don’t have to tell you that the hardest part of this ‘intervention’ is following through with it, standing your ground when your mom resists, and even redoubles her efforts to command and control you. You might want to think of it this way: intervening with your mother is a major task of your life, a big part of your own emotional maturation. When you feel tempted to cave in to her, remind yourself how important it is for you to stand your ground.

Having said that, you can also be somewhat accepting of some of your mother’s behaviors. If she’s being intrusive but not obnoxiously so, you could try to get some perspective about it. Comedian Amy Borkowsky has a great attitude about her intrusive, eccentric mother. And if you’re intervening when the situation is truly serious, it’s a lot easier to laugh about the small stuff.

Remember, this is probably one of the biggest tasks in your life!

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Dear Stephen,

I was upset when I read your post about Elizabeth Edwards. I don’t understand how you can say that her husband shouldn’t be selfless when she’s going through stage-four breast cancer. I wonder if you know what it’s like to be diagnosed with something like that, and then to find out that your husband has been lying to you. It was outrageous what he did to her. I don’t think it’s too much to expect that when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness, your husband should be there for you, one hundred percent. I wonder too if your take on this is influenced by the fact that you are a man. What do you think?

–Concerned about Elizabeth

Dear Concerned,

Thanks for your honesty, and for taking the time to bring this up with me. I can see how my take on the Edwards situation can be seen as insensitive. Maybe it would be better (and still accurate) to say it this way: if you’re in a relationship in which you’ve both promised to be monogamous, then having sex with someone else is a violation, and a painful one. You’re now forcing your spouse to deal with what you’ve done, and whether or not she decides to work with you on a long, painful process of reconciliation, she has to cope with this one way or another. You have behaved unethically. You have harmed your spouse. Even if Elizabeth Edwards had been cancer-free and fully healthy, this would have been a serious harm. Her life-threatening illness only deepens the sadness and anger she feels right now.

Having said all that, I must say this: no matter what your spouse has done, and no matter how ill you are, you yourself are an adult in a relationship (at least for now), and your own ethical codes are still operating. Elizabeth Edwards made promises to her husband on the same day he made promises to her. I wasn’t there of course, and I don’t know what their vows were, but I’ll hazard a guess that she promised something in the neighborhood of “respect, trust, help, and care for” him (I borrowed that from a vow I’ve taken myself). Now, imagine that he hadn’t had an affair and they were just dealing with her illness. She said that because she was ill, it was she who “needed a selfless partner.” To my ears, that sounded like her illness relieved her of the obligation to (using my example) respect, trust, help, and care for him. I may be wrong–she may not have been saying that at all. But if this is what she meant when she said that seriously ill people need a “selfless” partner, it strikes me as going a step too far.

Finally, I’ll just say it this way: when I’m on my deathbed, as far as I am able, I intend to continue honoring the vows I’ve taken and commitments I’ve made to the people I love. Elizabeth Edwards may also feel this way. It’s just that her words led me to think otherwise.

Update: A quick note about vows and ethics. After what happened, Elizabeth Edwards could have chosen to leave her husband and get a divorce. Many people (myself included) would understand this choice and think that it was reasonable. If she left him, this would not be (in my view) unethical. Sometimes marriages end this way, despite the promises that were made. One person honestly decides that the marriage cannot continue. It’s not for me to say that they’re wrong about that. The ethics come into play in the “how” of deciding to divorce, and the “how” of separating and divorcing. If it’s done in a flip way, or a vengeful way, then we’ve got some ethical problems. But honest discernment that leads to an end of a relationship is not, in and of itself, unethical. Quite the opposite!

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Dear Stephen,

My wife is depressed. Honest. I mean it. And she will not go to counseling. I’m no expert, but I think it’s post-partum depression. (Our daughter is about six months old.) My wife has become someone completely different…angry, resentful, tearful, hostile. When I tell her she should talk to someone, she just blows up. She says I don’t understand, no one would understand, and what good would a counselor do anyway? And she insists that it’s my problem, that she doesn’t even need counseling. “Maybe you’re the crazy one,” she says. “Have you ever thought of that?!” And maybe I am crazy. But if I am, it’s because the person I love is in a lot of pain, she won’t get help, and I’m running out of answers. What should I do?

Troubled in Tacoma

Dear Troubled,

Let me be clear about this: your wife would benefit from counseling. And so would you. And so would I. And so would anyone driving up and down I-5 right now. And so would Barack Obama. And so would… Well, you get the idea. One way to get past the “Do I need counseling??” question is to simply say that everyone could use it, everyone could benefit from it. None of us has arrived at nirvana. (Or at least no one I know.) So I suggest thinking of it this way: your wife doesn’t need a straight jacket and an inpatient hospital stay. She just needs to talk to another human being, get it out, get heard, express her deepest questions, and maybe even get an answer or two.

She worries that the counselor wouldn’t understand, and you know, she’s right to worry about things like that. Counselors often don’t understand. That doesn’t mean they can’t help her, however. If she can get past her initial irritation that the other person is a step behind, she can then express herself more clearly–more deeply–and her counselor will then be able to understand, and communicate that understanding to her. Sometimes, in fact, it helps when the other person–a trained professional, no less!–doesn’t understand right away. It would let your wife know that she is really packing a punch these days. It might even get her to look with compassion not only on you, but also upon herself.

But having said all that, I’m mindful that it is you, not she, who is reading these words. So here’s something you can consider doing: you could decide to talk to a counselor yourself, and tell your wife about it. You could say, “Honey, I want you to know that I am going to meet with a counselor for a few sessions. I want to talk about what’s going on for me right now, but also what’s going on with us, and to be honest, with you. I’m really worried about you, and even a little scared. And I know it makes you mad when I say things like that, but there it is. I just don’t think I can handle all of this by myself. If you like, I won’t tell you what my counselor says and does, but I’m happy to answer any questions you have about it, now or in the future…” Your wife may get angry with you about this. (Might?! you’re probably saying to me right now.) But remember what I said above–that everyone, including me, benefits from counseling. You really could find a way to cope better with your wife’s problems, and you never know: if she sees you seeing someone–you, a person she knows and loves–she might relax enough to set something up for herself.

Hang in there, and don’t go it alone!

–Stephen

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Dear Stephen,

My daughter has a friend, let’s call her/him Kelly, and Kelly keeps telling my daughter that s/he is a boy. Kelly wears clothes that look like boy’s clothes, and has a haircut that makes her look boyish. My daughter accepts without question that Kelly is a boy. I like to think of myself as liberal and progressive, so I don’t want to overreact to this, and I actually smile when I think about my daughter being so accepting. But what should I do? When we talk about Kelly, should I refer to Kelly as “he” like my daughter does? Should I talk to the teacher, or Kelly’s parents, to see what I should do?

–Open-Minded Mom Who Worries About Stuff

Dear Open,

I smiled too when you told me about your daughter’s easy acceptance of Kelly’s gender-bending behaviors. And it’s nice of you to be concerned, to wonder what you should do about this problem…if it’s a problem. Here’s what I would do. First and foremost, or if all else fails, simply do nothing. It could be that Kelly is just experimenting with gender for one reason or another. Maybe her parents have liberated themselves from rigid gender roles and are deliberately trying to encourage their child to freely shape her own identity. They might be even more progressive than you! Whatever the case, it’s really not your affair.

But your own daughter is a different story. If you’re uncomfortable referring to Kelly as “he,” you could practice avoiding pronouns while allowing your daughter to say “he” and “him” all she wants. Or you could just go along with it. Kids try on lots of roles; as I’m sure you know, their identities are in flux. Trust your instinct that tells you not to pathologize Kelly and give your daughter lots of freedom to accept Kelly exactly as Kelly is. And, if you’re really interested or concerned about all of this, you could take this opportunity to talk with your daughter about gender. What’s a ‘girl’? What’s a ‘boy’? Your daughter will learn (whether you want her to or not!) that some people define gender only on the basis of sexual plumbing, but many others see gender as the complex, mysterious, and never-totally-understood phenomenon that it truly is.

Finally, you could learn more about the topic if you like. The link below might be a good book for you to learn more about sexuality and childhood.

Kelly is lucky that he has such a great friend in your daughter, and in you!

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