My advice column has been a little slow lately. (Maybe it’s the weather…most people are too hot to think about interpersonal problems!) As I wait for my own mail, I’ll recommend an online advice columnist I like. I’ve linked to her before, but she’s worth another look: Emily Yoffe, a.k.a. Prudence (or “Prudie”), the advice columnist for slate.com. Here’s her latest column.

Prudie sometimes rubs me the wrong way. She can be a little rough on people. But for the most part her thoughts are insightful, and I resonate with her moderate but firm take on things. For example, she corresponded recently with a group of office workers who pitched in for an expensive baby-shower gift for a co-worker, and felt miffed when they didn’t receive thank-you notes from her. I agree with Prudie: someone should tell the co-worker how her colleagues feel, and encourage her to acknowledge their generosity. Later in the column, another reader writes Prudie to say that if the co-workers were really giving a gift, they wouldn’t expect to be thanked. That sounds good: I often think that what people call “gifts” are really economic transactions, social behaviors that are performed precisely because they are reciprocal. Even so, a thank-you card is always, always, always a good idea. Whether you’re late or not, and whether you think you need to or not, you can’t go wrong when you drop someone a note that says “thank you.” And if you’re a co-worker who just wants a little gratitude, that’s not out of line.

Anyway, Prudie’s pretty good. Check her out!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

I’ve been with my partner for almost four years. Last year, he lost his job, and since then he’s really been letting himself go. He had a good severence package, so he spent almost six months not working…and eating. I think he’s probably gained at least 20 pounds. He has a job now, but if anything he’s just gained more weight since going back to work. Our sex life has dwindled to nothing, though it hasn’t been all that terrific for the last two or three years anyway. Sometimes he talks about his weight and asks me unanswerable questions like, “Do you think I’m fat?” and I’m sure he would be horribly offended if I said yes. Thoughts?

–Not a Chubby Chaser

Dear Chaser,

Your signature is colorful, but is it also a little snarky? I ask because it sounds quite a bit less concerned and compassionate than your letter. I’m not saying this is a bad thing–you get to think and feel however you like–but if you’re like a lot of people in this situation, there are a few things you should know.

First, your partner probably knows you’re not attracted to him, and even knows about your impatience. He may be aware (consciously or not) that you find his body unattractive, and that you’re blaming him for your poor sex life, even though it was not going well when he was in good shape. It’s likely you’re both pretending that his weight hasn’t changed, pretending that it’s not a problem, and mutually agreeing that it would be wrong or shallow of you to make your feelings known. Finally, you both probably share the opinion that his body is unattractive right now.

Consider saying yes the next time he asks you if you think he’s fat. After all, it’s true. You do think that. And follow it up with an honest discussion about it. You could say something like, “Yes, I did notice that you gained weight, and I am concerned about it. I’m concerned because of your health, but also because I don’t think either of us feel comfortable with it. If you’re concerned about it and want to work on it, is there anything I can do to help you and support you?”

Your partner might take great offense at this. He may say, “Well if you don’t love me as I am, then maybe we shouldn’t be together!” or some other retort. But this is a red herring. When a person goes on the defense, most of the time he’s defensive because on some level he knows you’ve touched on a truth, on something he himself knows is a problem. So hang in there when he gets defensive. Respond with comments such as, “I know this is hard for you, but I would be disrespecting you if I lied to you just to protect your feelings.” And try to stay present with him emotionally. Don’t be snarky or dismissive, and try not to get sucked into a fight.

Finally, about the sex issue: this could be an opportunity for you to take some ownership of the problem so that your partner can confront himself about his weight without thinking that his weight alone is the reason you’re not having sex. You could say, “You know, our sex life was lousy long before you put on weight, so obviously both of us could learn a few things about sex, and how to be better at it. I know I’ve got some issues to work on…” If you’re honest with him about your own hang-ups, you’ll make it easier for him to relax and address the weight issue nondefensively.

One last note: try not to feel hopeless about the situation. Lots of people successfully lose weight (and keep it off) when they get serious about it, and particularly when their partner is supportive. And–believe me or not, but this is true!–if your partner is actually fully comfortable with his heavier weight and has no intention of losing pounds, he could actually become sexually attractive to you again. There are lots of heavier people who carry their weight well, and because they are comfortable with themselves, they’re sexually attractive. (And it works the other way: slender people who anxiously obsess about their weight can be pretty unattractive…) I don’t know which path your partner will choose, but your own courage and honesty will really help.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

I have just about had it with my mother. I love her, I really do, but she keeps calling and can’t stop making what she calls “suggestions” about my life, my career, my relationship, my apartment, everything. And now that my fiancee and I are planning our wedding, Mom is turning into the Mother-Of-The-Groom-From-Hell. Don’t get me wrong, she has some good ideas, but I’m almost scared that she’s going to start giving us sex advice! It’s been like this all my life, but it’s getting to a point now where I just can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be estranged from my mother. I really don’t think I would even be capable of that. But this is intolerable. What should I do?

–Overmothered

Dear Overmothered,

I usually encourage people in your situation to take a two-pronged approach of intervention and acceptance. First, intervention: if you’re at a point where you’re frightened that your mother is about to muscle into your bedroom with sex tips, then the time is now to take action. Take the wedding planning, for example. I don’t know your mother, and you may think you’ve already tried this, but it often works to tell the person who’s meddling in your life that you understand–you really do–why she’s so involved in the wedding plans, but you need to take over most of the planning. It could sound like, “Mom, I’m so glad you’re excited about our wedding, and you’ve had some great ideas. But we’re going to take over the day-to-day planning because we have a vision for our wedding, and part of that vision includes us doing most of the work. We want to keep consulting you about some things, but we’re going to take the lead.”

I probably don’t have to tell you that the hardest part of this ‘intervention’ is following through with it, standing your ground when your mom resists, and even redoubles her efforts to command and control you. You might want to think of it this way: intervening with your mother is a major task of your life, a big part of your own emotional maturation. When you feel tempted to cave in to her, remind yourself how important it is for you to stand your ground.

Having said that, you can also be somewhat accepting of some of your mother’s behaviors. If she’s being intrusive but not obnoxiously so, you could try to get some perspective about it. Comedian Amy Borkowsky has a great attitude about her intrusive, eccentric mother. And if you’re intervening when the situation is truly serious, it’s a lot easier to laugh about the small stuff.

Remember, this is probably one of the biggest tasks in your life!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

I was upset when I read your post about Elizabeth Edwards. I don’t understand how you can say that her husband shouldn’t be selfless when she’s going through stage-four breast cancer. I wonder if you know what it’s like to be diagnosed with something like that, and then to find out that your husband has been lying to you. It was outrageous what he did to her. I don’t think it’s too much to expect that when you are diagnosed with a terminal illness, your husband should be there for you, one hundred percent. I wonder too if your take on this is influenced by the fact that you are a man. What do you think?

–Concerned about Elizabeth

Dear Concerned,

Thanks for your honesty, and for taking the time to bring this up with me. I can see how my take on the Edwards situation can be seen as insensitive. Maybe it would be better (and still accurate) to say it this way: if you’re in a relationship in which you’ve both promised to be monogamous, then having sex with someone else is a violation, and a painful one. You’re now forcing your spouse to deal with what you’ve done, and whether or not she decides to work with you on a long, painful process of reconciliation, she has to cope with this one way or another. You have behaved unethically. You have harmed your spouse. Even if Elizabeth Edwards had been cancer-free and fully healthy, this would have been a serious harm. Her life-threatening illness only deepens the sadness and anger she feels right now.

Having said all that, I must say this: no matter what your spouse has done, and no matter how ill you are, you yourself are an adult in a relationship (at least for now), and your own ethical codes are still operating. Elizabeth Edwards made promises to her husband on the same day he made promises to her. I wasn’t there of course, and I don’t know what their vows were, but I’ll hazard a guess that she promised something in the neighborhood of “respect, trust, help, and care for” him (I borrowed that from a vow I’ve taken myself). Now, imagine that he hadn’t had an affair and they were just dealing with her illness. She said that because she was ill, it was she who “needed a selfless partner.” To my ears, that sounded like her illness relieved her of the obligation to (using my example) respect, trust, help, and care for him. I may be wrong–she may not have been saying that at all. But if this is what she meant when she said that seriously ill people need a “selfless” partner, it strikes me as going a step too far.

Finally, I’ll just say it this way: when I’m on my deathbed, as far as I am able, I intend to continue honoring the vows I’ve taken and commitments I’ve made to the people I love. Elizabeth Edwards may also feel this way. It’s just that her words led me to think otherwise.

Update: A quick note about vows and ethics. After what happened, Elizabeth Edwards could have chosen to leave her husband and get a divorce. Many people (myself included) would understand this choice and think that it was reasonable. If she left him, this would not be (in my view) unethical. Sometimes marriages end this way, despite the promises that were made. One person honestly decides that the marriage cannot continue. It’s not for me to say that they’re wrong about that. The ethics come into play in the “how” of deciding to divorce, and the “how” of separating and divorcing. If it’s done in a flip way, or a vengeful way, then we’ve got some ethical problems. But honest discernment that leads to an end of a relationship is not, in and of itself, unethical. Quite the opposite!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

My wife is depressed. Honest. I mean it. And she will not go to counseling. I’m no expert, but I think it’s post-partum depression. (Our daughter is about six months old.) My wife has become someone completely different…angry, resentful, tearful, hostile. When I tell her she should talk to someone, she just blows up. She says I don’t understand, no one would understand, and what good would a counselor do anyway? And she insists that it’s my problem, that she doesn’t even need counseling. “Maybe you’re the crazy one,” she says. “Have you ever thought of that?!” And maybe I am crazy. But if I am, it’s because the person I love is in a lot of pain, she won’t get help, and I’m running out of answers. What should I do?

Troubled in Tacoma

Dear Troubled,

Let me be clear about this: your wife would benefit from counseling. And so would you. And so would I. And so would anyone driving up and down I-5 right now. And so would Barack Obama. And so would… Well, you get the idea. One way to get past the “Do I need counseling??” question is to simply say that everyone could use it, everyone could benefit from it. None of us has arrived at nirvana. (Or at least no one I know.) So I suggest thinking of it this way: your wife doesn’t need a straight jacket and an inpatient hospital stay. She just needs to talk to another human being, get it out, get heard, express her deepest questions, and maybe even get an answer or two.

She worries that the counselor wouldn’t understand, and you know, she’s right to worry about things like that. Counselors often don’t understand. That doesn’t mean they can’t help her, however. If she can get past her initial irritation that the other person is a step behind, she can then express herself more clearly–more deeply–and her counselor will then be able to understand, and communicate that understanding to her. Sometimes, in fact, it helps when the other person–a trained professional, no less!–doesn’t understand right away. It would let your wife know that she is really packing a punch these days. It might even get her to look with compassion not only on you, but also upon herself.

But having said all that, I’m mindful that it is you, not she, who is reading these words. So here’s something you can consider doing: you could decide to talk to a counselor yourself, and tell your wife about it. You could say, “Honey, I want you to know that I am going to meet with a counselor for a few sessions. I want to talk about what’s going on for me right now, but also what’s going on with us, and to be honest, with you. I’m really worried about you, and even a little scared. And I know it makes you mad when I say things like that, but there it is. I just don’t think I can handle all of this by myself. If you like, I won’t tell you what my counselor says and does, but I’m happy to answer any questions you have about it, now or in the future…” Your wife may get angry with you about this. (Might?! you’re probably saying to me right now.) But remember what I said above–that everyone, including me, benefits from counseling. You really could find a way to cope better with your wife’s problems, and you never know: if she sees you seeing someone–you, a person she knows and loves–she might relax enough to set something up for herself.

Hang in there, and don’t go it alone!

–Stephen

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

My daughter has a friend, let’s call her/him Kelly, and Kelly keeps telling my daughter that s/he is a boy. Kelly wears clothes that look like boy’s clothes, and has a haircut that makes her look boyish. My daughter accepts without question that Kelly is a boy. I like to think of myself as liberal and progressive, so I don’t want to overreact to this, and I actually smile when I think about my daughter being so accepting. But what should I do? When we talk about Kelly, should I refer to Kelly as “he” like my daughter does? Should I talk to the teacher, or Kelly’s parents, to see what I should do?

–Open-Minded Mom Who Worries About Stuff

Dear Open,

I smiled too when you told me about your daughter’s easy acceptance of Kelly’s gender-bending behaviors. And it’s nice of you to be concerned, to wonder what you should do about this problem…if it’s a problem. Here’s what I would do. First and foremost, or if all else fails, simply do nothing. It could be that Kelly is just experimenting with gender for one reason or another. Maybe her parents have liberated themselves from rigid gender roles and are deliberately trying to encourage their child to freely shape her own identity. They might be even more progressive than you! Whatever the case, it’s really not your affair.

But your own daughter is a different story. If you’re uncomfortable referring to Kelly as “he,” you could practice avoiding pronouns while allowing your daughter to say “he” and “him” all she wants. Or you could just go along with it. Kids try on lots of roles; as I’m sure you know, their identities are in flux. Trust your instinct that tells you not to pathologize Kelly and give your daughter lots of freedom to accept Kelly exactly as Kelly is. And, if you’re really interested or concerned about all of this, you could take this opportunity to talk with your daughter about gender. What’s a ‘girl’? What’s a ‘boy’? Your daughter will learn (whether you want her to or not!) that some people define gender only on the basis of sexual plumbing, but many others see gender as the complex, mysterious, and never-totally-understood phenomenon that it truly is.

Finally, you could learn more about the topic if you like. The link below might be a good book for you to learn more about sexuality and childhood.

Kelly is lucky that he has such a great friend in your daughter, and in you!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Dear Stephen,

My six-year-old daughter refuses to eat anything except a few staples like noodles, waffles, PB&J and milk. We’ve tried offering her better food but she’d rather starve herself than touch it. She’s very set in her ways. What can we do?!?!

–Despairing Dad

Dear Despairing,

I once knew a kid who had followed your daughter’s path to the limit: he reduced his diet to chicken nuggets. That’s it. He avoided even the basics your daughter will eat. I suggested to his parents that they follow a regimen that I myself used to expand my own palette. It comes from an old article (1996) by Jeffrey Steingarten in Slate magazine. It works because you don’t have to get into a major power struggle with your daughter, and she doesn’t have to like the new food. She gets to take lots of time to learn to like it. Here’s how it works:

1. Have some fun with your daughter. Choose a time when she’s not really hungry and you’re not serving food, so there’s no immediate pressure for her to eat anything. Make a list with her of foods she thinks are really disgusting. Be creative and funny about it…squid, tripe (tell her what “tripe” is), haggis (intestinal lining! gross!!), a few other horrible foods, and then three or four fairly decent foods you’d like her to eat, such as broccoli, green beans, or chicken breast.

2. In that same meeting, make a list of your own. She’ll like to know that there are foods that you also think are disgusting. (If you have a gourmet palette and love all foods, then just fake it.) Make the same kind of list: things you would rather die than eat, and some things that are just outside your comfort zone. To make this step even more powerful, you could have everyone in the family make their own list, particularly a sibling she admires.

3. Let her know that you’re all going to do a little experiment. For ten days in a row, each of you is going to eat just one bite of one of the foods on your list. The other nine are off the menu for now. All of you will choose one of the foods on your list, and each day for ten days you will chew and swallow one bite of that food. She should know that it is perfectly okay for her to hate and despise this one bite. Depending on your ability to ham it up, you could make hating the bite fun, showing her how much you hate your bite with lots of theatrics. Then, for everyone who eats their one bite, there is a powerful reward (chocolate sundae, for instance). It’s okay if she doesn’t eat her one bite, but she’ll learn fast that whoever plays the game gets the sundae.

The point of all this, as noted in the article linked above, is that the human brain learns not to like certain foods. Most of our taste for foods is learned behavior. Sometimes we decide we hate lamb, for example, because we got food poisoning one time, and our brains remember that we ate lamb right around that time. It might have been the chicken sandwich we had for lunch that made us sick, but our brains can’t be convinced of that! They think, “oh, it was that lamb I had later on,” and they strike lamb off the list. Kids learn like this in smaller, more everyday ways. They’re naturally more sensitive to the little details of food–color, texture, temperature, taste–and far less experienced eaters, so they get snagged on lots of these little details. Then their brains lock in the learning: “green things are gross” is learned, and they become picky eaters.

The 10-day project is a re-training project. It gives your daughter’s brain a non-conflictual, fairly low-pressure chance to learn something new about, say, chicken breast. As she gets closer to Day 10, her brain will have adjusted to the chicken. It will have had a once-a-day shot at learning some new things about chicken: that it can be tender, and even tasty.

The kid I knew who hated everything but chicken nuggets was successful on this plan: he re-introduced a number of foods into his diet. The key is to be playful about it, be consistent, and keep it to a very narrow scope. One food item, one bite, once a day, followed by a reward, repeat nine more times. I suggest the Steingarten article if you’re still skeptical! And please write me back to let me know how it goes.

Happy eating,

Stephen

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It

Advice columns can be a great way to get insights and ideas about all kinds of problems. If you are worried about something that no one has asked about, please feel free to email me at stephen@stephencrippen.com with your own dilemma or question. I’ll keep it confidential, and do my best to help you out!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It